To be upset my dad is having another child?

[helpamummaout]

Just has a call from my dad who drops the bombshell his partner is pregnant, and I haven't stopped crying.
A bit of back story, he is 53, I am 29, him and my mum split when I was a child he's never really been there for me, he has 3 other children where he lives now (and 2 step children), supports them all emotionally/financially ect. I've always been treated different, sometimes I don't even get a birthday card. I have 18 month old twins who he has met twice. I just feel so down, like the only bit of grandad/dad we have is now going to be taken away.
Please tell me I'm not in the wrong

That's great that you are detatching yourself from him, and can focus on taking care of yourself, and your partner and children.

When you do speak to or see your Dad, so long as you expect absultely nothing, and remain friendly yet detached, you will be perfectly fine, as you no longer make yourself vulnerable. He will no longer have any power to hurt you when he inevitably acts insensitively and selfishly again. He has major flaws that make him a crap parent and due to his poor insight he may never learn from his mistakes.

It's strange because before all this happened yesterday I felt like I had just accepted it for what it was and it would never change, I suppose deep down now I have the girls here I must of just had some glimmer of hope! He always says all the right things, but actions speak louder than words don't they. I never want my girls to feel unloved and unwanted like I have throughout my childhood. I once remember him saying he would come and take me swimming when I was a child, I sat and waited by the window all day, I was heartbroken he never came. I mentioned it a few years ago. He couldn't remember and said he wouldn't of done that.

OP it is his loss, I am very sorry he ket you down so badly, it is a heartbreaking to hear any child waiting at the window for an absent parent.
He was feckless then, he is still feckless now at 53.
I am sorry you lost your DM too.
Personally I would cut him off, he.will always be irresponsible.
Good luck with your own lovely family.

He is the man that supplied the sperm to make you but in all honesty I think you are giving him the credit of calling him your dad when he hasn't really been that to you. I'm sorry he wasn't there for you when you needed that. Hopefully with these ones he is a dad. You owe him nothing, not even your emotions

I suppose deep down now I have the girls here I must of just had some glimmer of hope! He always says all the right things, but actions speak louder than words don't they.

I relate to this so much OP. We hold out hope (against all evidence to the contrary) that our parent will suddenly change - especially once we have children ourselves, we think surely he'll want to be involved in our lives now. And we love our children so much that we can't understand parents who don't show love. But fundamentally, as you say, actions are what matter, not words. You're not alone OP, many people (unfortunately) are going through this, it is sad to realise that a parent is never going to be there for us, but we come out the other side and focus on creating love and happiness with our own children. Hope you're ok x

He is the man that supplied the sperm to make you but in all honesty I think you are giving him the credit of calling him your dad when he hasn't really been that to you.

Would it help if you stopped thinking of/referring to him as Dad?

So introduce him as "Clive, my father"

"We're visiting Clive and Annie to spend time with my siblings."

To Clive, Happy Birthday, Have a lovely day from Helpa, DH and DTs

If he's labelled as Dad in on your phone, then change it to Clive.

Answer your phone "Hi Clive, how are you, Annie and the kids?"

You can a knowledge him as your father but not as your Dad

Make it a point that he has not behaved as a Dad and probably not even a father.

I second MumW , to refer to him as father, and address him as his first name

He was never a Dad to you.

As EmeraldShamrock says, he was, and is, just a feckless man

The strong memory you have of deep sadness waiting and hoping looking out at a window still leaves you feeling desolate and unwanted

With self love and kindness, and the support of counselling, you can slowly let go of this memory and others. There are many techniques to help you and you can choose what helps you.

You need to do ensure you are something kind to yourself every day Bless you and go forward knowing that you are not alone, although we all have different life experiences, many of us have stumbled as parents, needing to stop. ackowledge and heal significant emotional pain from our own childhood , so that we can choose to parent our own amazing children with joy.

Oh crap, I meant 'do something kind for yourself, every day'

Your advice and words mean so much everyone, thank you! Certainly a lot to think about and take on board. I've got his "father's" day card sat here

Why am I feeling guilty for not wishing him happy Father's Day! Suppose it doesn't help that he's shared a Father's Day wish on his fb which his step daughter has written about him.

God, what a total waste of space.

I could punch the lights out of men like this.

So sorry you've been lumbered with this waste of space bones with skin on op. BUT you've gone on to have a functional relationship and lovely family - many many who had a start like yours - and waste of space 'father' like yours - often struggle to form good attachments. You're the winner here.

I agree you need to do some work on this. don't let this man hurt you any more. He is the loser

Look at FOG op xx

My father was similar - I think you need the mind set of ‘his loss’

I am married to a man whose parents both had a first family each who they abandoned, before starting a family together, my DH is the oldest child of their second family. DH has much older half siblings on both sides who for a long time resented DH and his sister for “getting” their parents whilst they were passed on to other family members. But as DH points out, although they were there, they were still pretty awful. A shit parent is a shit parent, whether they abandon you, or whether you have to grow up in their home. As adults, all the siblings have different perspectives, but are united now in knowing it wasn’t their fault.

I suppose what I am saying is don’t envy this new baby. They will have a lifetime of being parented by someone emotionally inadequate. You however have made a life and a family for yourself, and someday, could have adult siblings who you can share a family with, and who may well understand your feelings towards him.

I've just read about FOG, interesting read thank you.
@AltogetherAndrews Yeah very good point I will probably start feeling better if I start thinking like that!

It's difficult and only you know what is best for you op I'm sorry you have been through so much 💐

You need some help in moving on without him. Waiting around for him to throw you a fish is a waste of your energy. As a mother you need to look after yourself and your own family.

Seriously, get yourself some counselling and work out how much of your day/ week you spend on him in terms of headspace and contacting him and then mark that time as "you" time to do nice things for you. Please, start loving yourself. This man is not a father, he is an emotional parasite.

Just thought I'd post an update for anyone interested.
I've spoke to someone regarding counselling and they are calling me back tomorrow.
I still haven't spoken to him, he hasn't tried contacting me or messaging me since. Unbelievable really just goes to show he doesn't give a shit.

Good for you going to speak to someone.
Forget about his call he a selfish man, he will call eventually, stay strong when he does, I often find people like him get a sense when your finally over them, then bang he'll be back in your life for another round of misery.
In the future when you're stronger it would be good to make a final decision to go NC, try forget him.

Good for you helpamummaout
It totally was never your fault
It is hard, yet you have come through so much
I so agree with AltogetherAndrews , in some cases, a shit parent is a shit parent ...and unless he can stop and reflect to learn from mistakes, sadly for your half siblings, he will always be a shit parent...

My Dad is a lot like this too. Distant, unreliable, self-centred. Has a second family and is a bit better with them (but only as it suits him to be)
I've wasted too much time already on that relationship and far too much optimism that it would be somehow ok. I've been LC for about 18 months now and can thoroughly recommend it.

I was in a similar position to you except my Father never had any more biological children. After he died I had some counselling and 1 thing that she said to me was that it's not that parents that walk away do not love you, it is just the longer they spend away from you the easier it becomes for them. Life moves on for them and they learn to live without the child they left.

When he says "I would never do that" try and say "but you did". Then explain that he may not do that to his other children but it is what he did and does to you.

I also discovered that it is not my parents ( I am no contact with my mother) that I want. It is the idea of a parent, I want what everyone else has. That made it easier in my mind. Sometimes it is better to walk away and stop trying to make them be who you want them to be. So that you can heal and move forward.

Such great replies thank you, all so true. I'm just going to leave it up to him now and go very low contact. The only thing stopping me going NC is the fact I don't want to look like the bad guy for him not seeing his granddaughters, but if the balls always in his court he can carry on looking/being as shit as he always has. My gorgeous girls will get all the love and attention from the people who care about them.
I don't quite know what to expect from counselling really.

www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/compassion-matters/201603/why-we-need-teach-kids-emotional-intelligence
Your father lacks emotional intelligence, and had poor or little insight into your emotional needs as a child. He may have come into the world with less capacity for emotional intelligence or/and had parent figures who taught him to shut off from his feelings
You either have come into this world blessed with a higher capacity for emotional intelligence. or have had caring, emotionallly intelligent carers act as role models in your childhood
You are right that your children will be handed down these qualities through your parenting to your children.