To be upset my dad is having another child?

[helpamummaout]

Just has a call from my dad who drops the bombshell his partner is pregnant, and I haven't stopped crying.
A bit of back story, he is 53, I am 29, him and my mum split when I was a child he's never really been there for me, he has 3 other children where he lives now (and 2 step children), supports them all emotionally/financially ect. I've always been treated different, sometimes I don't even get a birthday card. I have 18 month old twins who he has met twice. I just feel so down, like the only bit of grandad/dad we have is now going to be taken away.
Please tell me I'm not in the wrong

The thing is, you're not upset that he's having another child exactly. You're upset because that child is yet another reminder of how crappy a father he has been to you. YANBU.

He let you go into care instead of parenting?

I can’t actually type what I want to type because I’ll get banned. Suffice it to say, I have nothing nice to say about him.

I’m sorry he hasn’t been a better parent and I’m sorry the act of him choosing to parent children other than you rubbing salt in your wounds. You deserve better.

You are DNBU but I think that Twisted has hit the nail on the head.

Hard though it is to face, I think you may be better giving up on him. All the time you are in contact with him, you are desperately trying to attract the attention you feel you are entitled to from him. However, he has shown you that, for whatever reason, you are only on the peripheral of his radar. If you can let him go, hopefully, you will be happier and not tormented by how much of his attention is lavished on your half siblings. Do you really want to spend your life hanging around for the meagre scraps he occasionally throws your way? He is only is not a proper Dad/Grandad. He doesn't deserve to be called either or to be part of your family group.

Focus on the family and friends that are there for you and forget about this selfish man whom you are only linked to via genes. Maybe you could use some professional help to enable you to move on.

No not unreasonable at all helpamummaout, you deserved far better parenting than your Bastard Dad dished out. He was an absent father who abandoned you as a child, so that you had to be placed in care. How heartbreaking and confusing for you when you were young.

Mostly you seem to be grieving what could have been, and you have every right to feel sad about not ever having a caring Dad who was there for you as a child, or as an adult.

Trust in yourself to expect nothing from him, the same as ever. Believe in yourself to cope well without him being a decent Dad,

You sound like have come a long way and have built a happy life with your young family.

You aren't unreasonable at all to be sad. It must hurt a lot. I find it very hard to believe he is a good parent to his other children though as considering he let you go into care. What kind of father would do that? I can't believe that his wife is a good parent either assuming she knew what he did before deciding to have children with him.

He sounds a complete waste of space. I agree that you would be better off cutting contact with him completely and stop giving him headspace. A parent who would let their child go into care rather than be inconvenienced is not a Dad.

I know how this feels, my dad remarried and had another child when I was a teenager. I love my younger sister but It did hurt seeing him basically start a new family. I stopped speaking to him eventually because he just kept letting me down. It's tough to accept but I think after so many years but your dad will probably never change his ways

A father who would let his child go into care, assuming he would have been able to take you, is no father. I would cut contact.

I went into care when I was 10 years old

I’m sorry, lovely, your father is not a good man. No decent man would let his child go into care (unless he was genuinely too ill or disabled to look after you).

You’d be far better off going NC and moving on with your life.

It's sometimes hard to see how bad our parents are, even when they treat us badly.
Put it this way, would you emotionally and financially support one of your twins and abandon the other one? No, of course you wouldn't, you love and treat them the same. It's what normal parents do and what they deserve. Why would you deserve any different from your parent?
The way he has and is treating you is wrong and harmful to you, disengage will save you so much heartache in the long run.

I'm so sorry, OP and echo what the others say.

I worry that my daughter may end up going through the same. Her father is estranged from her, his choice, and is planning more children. It breaks my heart.

Poor you. I'd go no or very low contact.

Wow thank you so much everyone for your replies they really mean so much and have helped me put it all Into perspective, especially @twistedbiscuit.

I forgot who said it now but someone said how after having a child a lot of their childhood feelings have come to surface that has happened with me also not just regarding my father but also my life before and after care and I've always just accepted what has happened and it's all done and dusted, but now I don't think that's the case and I probably do need to speak to someone about these feelings.

@MoominMantra with all due respect it's like you're trying to compare me to you partners son, I am not jealous, and I've never taken a penny off my father. I've always got on really well with his partner and other children. My resentment is to him and him only.

I sent my dad a message earlier trying to explain how I felt, he tried ringing me but I don't think I'm ready to speak yet.

@helpamummaout yes, I do completely understand where you're coming from. And the situation is very different from mine. And you have every right to resent him.

Have you ever asked him why he let you be put into care? He should be held accountable for his dead beat dad behaviour.

Walk away.
You will find more peace.
He let you go into care. Don't heap more heartache on yourself looking for something that this failure of a father simply doesn't have it in him to give.

This. Parents who are not there for you, are not worth your time. They are toxic and draining. My life is SO much happier now that I've 'let go' of a parent whose actions over the years have told me that they don't care about me - finally I listened.

No I've never asked him, he has a way of just worming his way out so I know I wouldn't like the answer. I remember once asking why he didn't put effort into the relationship and his answer was I was an adult now and it was as much my responsibility as it was his. I just don't really know where to go from here if I'm honest

Yeah, that's classic toxic behaviour - turning it back on you. It was his responsibility to make sure he had a good relationship with you when you were a child and if he had, he wouldn't have abandoned you and you wouldn't be feeling awful now. It's his fault entirely.

People who put their own DC into care shouldn't be allowed to have more.

You've been treated awfully OP, but this man is definitely not parent material. Please judge him by his actions and not his words.

I'm still in shock that he had other DC but allowed you to be put in care; what kind of monster does that?!?

I'm so sorry OP, you deserve better you really do.

I understand how you feel to a certain extent because my Dad was AWOL most of my life and if it wasn’t for me bridging the gap we wouldn't have a relationship to speak of. It’s really hard to see them parent a younger sibling successfully when you were cast aside. I’m extremely lucky in that my dysfunctional mother was a halfway decent parent most of the time so my situation isn’t anywhere near as sad as yours.

When my Dad goes on about my brother and regularly visits him in uni when I didn’t even get a phone call despite being 30 minutes up the road it really hurts. Same for seeing all their holiday photos with my brother growing up. My Dad only ever took me away twice and that was because it was a free child place or because someone dropped out and money would be lost. It’s hard to go to their house and see the memories of their happy life when I was treated like a burden.

My maternal Aunt once said to me (when my brother was born and I was mid teens) that I couldn’t expect a relationship with my Dad now because he had a new family to think of. It took me a long time to realise how wrong and toxic that statement was and how much it affected me. Especially now I have my own child - I couldn’t imagine ditching her because I got remarried and had a new baby.

If you’re anything like me you will feel like you’re to blame for the relationship but looking back I realised I was a child and it wasn’t my job to run after a grown ass man. Even now I have to stop myself trying too hard because it’s a two way street and I won’t be made to feel guilty for being the only one travelling it.

It’s a hard road but this isn’t your fault and your feelings are completely valid. However you should realise that he’s responsible for that negativity and hurt, not you. My Dad isn’t anywhere near as toxic as yours and I’m strong willed enough to give him shit about his poor efforts as and when it’s needed because I realised I don’t need him in my life, I allow him the privilege of being in it but I’m not going to lose out if he isn’t, if you get what I mean.

All this has got me thinking about everything and it's so sad really, I look at my beautiful little girls and just can't comprehend it. I don't think he ever even visited me in care. I visited him a few years ago and I remember a drunken argument we had because he said "he has always been there for me" I just couldn't believe what I was hearing tbh.
My partner is brilliant and comes from a very loving "normal" family, so I'm just glad the girls will have a close bond with his parents and they are lovely. I couldn't wish for better in laws

💐 what are you gaining from staying in contact with him? It sounds like it causes you heartache as you feel that he doesn’t value you as much as his other children and It shouldn’t be like that. If you choose to back off from him then it’s his loss not yours as he isn’t giving you what you need anyway. If I was you I would focus on the family that you have created, as they are the ones who deserve your time and love. I have had a similar experience with my father and it has taken me until my 40’s to realise that there is no point in trying to create a relationship that isn’t there.

My partner is brilliant and comes from a very loving "normal" family

You really don't need him in your life. If you can make peace with your past and accept that he isn't worthy of your love, then I think you will be a lot happier. He has clearly convinced himself he has done the right thing by you - I've been there for you by letting you go into care.

I really think that you should consider some kind of counselling to help you LTB and move on.
He was the adult, you were a child - none of this was down to you and it is for him, as the parent, who is responsible for fixing things (which doesn't seem able to accept).

All your messages have been amazing, they have made me feel so much better, and helped me understand these feelings I'm having.
He tried to ring me after I sent him a message, I didn't answer, I haven't heard anything since , I think I will just leave it at that. No doubt he will ring me in a few weeks thinking it's all Rosy again!