To be upset my dad is having another child?

[helpamummaout]

Just has a call from my dad who drops the bombshell his partner is pregnant, and I haven't stopped crying.
A bit of back story, he is 53, I am 29, him and my mum split when I was a child he's never really been there for me, he has 3 other children where he lives now (and 2 step children), supports them all emotionally/financially ect. I've always been treated different, sometimes I don't even get a birthday card. I have 18 month old twins who he has met twice. I just feel so down, like the only bit of grandad/dad we have is now going to be taken away.
Please tell me I'm not in the wrong

I am so sorry for your hurt and pain.

No, you are not being unreasonable. It is the loss of your hopes and dreams, and it is VERY painful to come to terms with the fact that you are never going to have the father love you yearn for.

HIs behaviour does not define your worth. Chin up, OP, and be the best mother to your twins you can be. You can make your own family of love.

Do you have a good husband/partner?

I know it would be difficult but might help to tell him, quietly, how you feel. It's possible he doesn't realise. You'v.e probably presented him with a calm and pleasant exterior and given the impression you are quite alright, which you are of course but still have unmet needs & feel hurt.

It could be helpful, and cathartic, to express your feelings. like demolishing a wall. He may have things he'd like to say to you too but cannot bring himself too for fear of rocking the boat.

You've nothing to lose.

Good luck .

I get it as my father was rather similar. All focussed on the new woman and the new children and nothing left for his first family. It hurt like hell. I went on to have a happy and fulfilled life and he didn't. But it's his loss, it really is.

YANBU OP, I think how you are feeling is a form of grief, almost grieving for the kind of dad and granddad you hoped he would become, instead you are now left feeling a sense of unfairness that he is creating the kind of parent-child bond you crave with others, it leaves you feeling that you were not enough.

I agree with the advice to step back from him, and know that you are the kind of parent he never was, one that offers love, comfort and stability to their DC.

Sorry to hear about the past. You're not wrong to feel the way you do.

Trying to be positive, if he has a baby with his partner and your DC twins will be young (18 months now so presumably below 3 when the baby is born), is it possible your DC will be younger than his other children and days out/playdates with the baby, your father and your DC might be a new way to engage with your father. Given the distance, I realise this wouldn't be a frequent occasion but could it give a new opportunity to try and build the relationship you want?

Good luck.

You were raised in care whilst you had a dad who was capable of taking you in, but he didn't?

Cut ties. He's not your dad. You've got kids; form your own little family and be happy. Don't get involved in anything else to do with him.

I had this with my mum a few years ago. She left me, DB and Dsis with our grandparents when we were very young and she just sort of popped in and out of our lives whenever she felt like it.

When I was about 15 she turned up with a baby in tow and it turned out, that was my younger brother! I was furious that she could have another child knowing how little she did for us (her other three) and a year later we found out she was pregnant with my youngest sister...

It hurt. A lot. That my mum could play happy families with two new children but still treat my brother, sister and I with such indifference. I cared for my half siblings so I promised myself that I’d rather she make her best efforts for them, than hope she failed out of spite. This was for their sake of course.

Now I’m 30 and have children of my own she and I have a better relationship- but it still took me instigating contact for a long time...

I’m sorry you’re having this situation thrust upon you OP, it opened up so many wounds for me when I experienced it. Especially the feeling of being the ‘unwanted’ child.

Do you and your Dad have a good enough relationship to raise these matters with him?

When I decided to invite my mum back into my life I had a very serious conversation with her about how it was for my DD and DS, that if she didn’t want to make the effort I wouldn’t chase her anymore (this was after a while of my instigating contact) and since then she’s made a fair effort.

I know my situation isn’t yours, but when I told her I wasn’t going to chase her for contact anymore I accepted that I didn’t need her in my life before my DC were born, so if she wasn’t involved afterwards I didn’t stand to lose much (how can you miss something you never had before?)

I have this situation - but I'm the woman having a baby with a man whose 22 year old son is jealous and has actually told his dad he won't speak to him again unless he refuses to have anything to do with our child.

It has made me feel really resentful towards the son, because at the end of the day he's an adult and he expressed a desire to have a go at me about it. I don't want negative thoughts directed towards my pregnancy it's just horrible.

However, with all that said, you cannot help how you feel and if your dad has not bothered with you then he's a shit quite frankly. But this isn't your half sibling's fault is it? I don't fully know what has gone on between my dp and his son but I do know he's always tapping him for money. So maybe he's worried he won't have as much to give him.

Either way I just wanted to express that it's not a nice situation for me to be in.

Accept what he is and live the best life you can. He wont change and will always let you down.

Oh poor you, OP - it must feel like you're of little importance to your father. YANBU.

Speaking from experience, you can make a choice not to let him hurt you - you can step back. He's not got any right to expect that you will care for or about him. THat's OK. REally it is.

Fathers reap what they sow.

OP I get it. Yes hes always been crap. But maybe you ve always hoped he d change. Maybe you thought that your baby would get a better side of him, the one the other siblings got. And now thats even less likely. The truth is, you are better off w out him. In fact... I wont be popular for saying this, but maybe your kid would be better off w no gf than one who treats them markedly different to his 'other' family. I ve been through this. It was heart breaking. Learning that actually he jst felt differently about me and nothing i could do could change that. His. Flipping. Loss. You cant change him. But you can change how you feel about him and how his neglect effects you as an adult. You can also (to some extent) control how much of it effects your kid.

Walk away, OP. He is not a good father.

I can understand why you're upset, I come from a disfunctional family and a part of you always hope that things will get better/ they will suddenly be a better and caring parent. This probably feels like another set back/ obstacle to this happening and will be trotted out as a reason or excuse for him to do even less than he doing now. It's also not fair that he does things for his other kids that he doesn't do for you.
At this stage, I would consider going NC. Close that chapter so that you don't have to deal with the constant disappointment and dashed hopes. It might be painful and there will be a period of "grieving" but in the long run it will be better for you and you won't be using up all that mental and emotional energy on someone that doesn't deserve it.

It sounds like you have been chasing a fantasy relationship with a man who was never going to step up for you. What reaction do you think he expected? Did he think you'd be delighted at his news? He has 3 other kids - do you see them or have any relationship with them? Are they all with the woman he's with now?

It's difficult for you to try and forge a relationship with him when he has never been a true father to you. If he was committed to seeing you and keeping in touch and if he was truly sorry for the way he abandoned you as a child, then maybe it would be worth making an effort with him. But it sounds like he just moved on with his life, left you and your mum and then let you be taken into care as a child. It's heartbreaking to think that you had to go into care when he was around (was it when your mum died?). Even if he couldn't have taken you home at that point, age 10, surely he could have worked to ensure that you moved in with him at some point. I'd be keeping a distance. Be polite if you wish but you need to drastically reduce any expectations you might have regarding a positive close relationship with him. Focus on building a beautiful life with your babies and partner/Dh. Counselling to help you rationalise your feelings might be worth a try. None of this was your fault. It's all on him.

Op you've had some excellent advice above and I want to add something that I know you already know, but it never hurts to hear it repeated.

All of this says absolutely nothing about you.

When I hear of a child of 10 going into care and the father allowing it to happen (for whatever reason), it tells me nothing about the child. It might well tell me something about the father.

When I hear of how he has been lovely to his other children and very distant towards you, that tells me a lot about him but still nothing about you.

You are just as worthy of love and just as valuable and just as good a person as his other children. The fact that he treats you differently says everything about him and nothing about you.

It's not you. It's nothing you did and nothing you're doing now. It's all to do with him.

Wow, he's vile. YANBU but tbh, I'd look at cutting ties with him.

It sounds like your extended family aren't what you wanted them to be. I agree with others, it's awful that he let you go into care and now gets to start over with a new family.

Have you spoken to anyone about your difficult childhood?

@twistedbiscuit beautiful, empathetic post. OP read that post over and over. It really isnt u, its him.

Spend your time and energy on those that care about you. I am sorry you have had a crap human being for a father. But you honestly don't need to be hurt by him in the future.

Do what you need to, for the sake of your wellbeing. I would go low contact and expect nothing from him. I doubt your kids will notice and over time, neither will you.

It sounds as though you've been living in hope that one day he'll step up, and you'll have a real dad.
I'm sorry, but that was never going to happen. And this development had bright this into stark reality.

Your tears are for what you hoped would be, and it's so sad that he won't ever be that person. It's also sad that he probably won't manage to be that person for this new little one either.

I don’t know why men sometimes abandon their children when they split from their partner but it happens all too often. Yanbu to be terribly hurt. His behaviour toward you is about him, not you, for had you been a different person, he still would have abandoned them. There is something missing inside him and it has created a father shaped hole in your heart made all the more painful because there is one, where your mum should have been too. Therapy is a very good tool to help you mend that and see you are worth so much more than the crumbs off his table.

My dd is 10. My heart breaks for you. Honestly. He isn’t worth it.

He isn't worthy of you or your family.
Tell him what you think and walk away. He let you go into care and has been a shit dad, having more and more kids.
let him know what a failure he is, he deserves to know.
He will never be close to you, because he will have rewritten history and won't be able to look at what he's done to you.

Any parent who prioritises one child(ren) over others is toxic. This dynamic can also happen with children who have both of the same parents.

Having read that your dad allowed you to be put in care tells you he is no good and he will never change

YANBU at all. I can understand the bitterness and resentment. You may find more peace walking away entirely. My Dad lives 200 miles away and I didn’t see him for six years until I made the effort to go visit him with my young DC (the youngest of which he’d never even met and the other two didn’t remember him). I shouldn’t have had to do that and I haven’t even seen him since (almost 2 years ago now...) I’ve given up and gained more peace that way instead of trying to claw my way into his life.

Just accept your Dad for the bastard he is and move forward.

I'm sorry for how your feeling, but this man isnt worth your tears, i agree with another poster concentrate on your own family and those who care about YOU, he'll never change, walk away, Good Luck