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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to muck around with my hormones anymore?

87 replies

ILoveEurovision · 14/06/2019 10:07

I've been on the pill on and off since I was a teenager. It's worked but I don't think it's been brilliant for my body (weight gain etc). DH and I have one child now and don't want any more. I was very ill with DS. I could go through it again if I really wanted another child but feel satisfied. DH feels very strongly that he doesn't want any more children as he is too old and tired to go through the baby stage ever again.

I think DH assumed I'd go back on the pill after the birth but I haven't and really don't want to. I don't think it's a good long term solution. I don't really fancy the coil or anything similar either having read so much negative stuff about them on here (I know loads of people love their Mirena coil and don't have periods anymore, but I think I'm done messing around with my body).

DH says he doesn't understand why I am worried about continuing to mess around with my hormones as, after all, contraception is not natural anyway. I have tried to explain to him about the risks of DVT, cancer etc. which I appreciate are small risks but ones I'd rather avoid. I also realise that with the pill having a typical 91% effectiveness rate, there's a fair chance I'd get pregnant again in the next 10 or so years.

Moreover, I think I just feel like I've done my bit taking care of the contraception for a number of years and I don't see why it's always on the woman to sort it (unless using condoms)-? DH is the one who feels strongest about not having any more children and if we broke up I am certain he wouldn't have any with a new partner, so it would make a lot of sense for him to get a vasectomy but he's squeamish.

AIBU to not get contraception? I'm not actively trying to force DH to get a vasectomy, but right now we're at a stand-off and I don't know how we'll resolve it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 14/06/2019 11:21

Bump

OP posts:
GlossyTaco · 14/06/2019 11:26

I think it's really tricky op. We're similar in that our family is complete but neither of us wish to have any kind of operation or procedure. Unfortunately the easiest option has been for me to choose the least bothersome form of hormonal contraception , which for me is the mini pill. It's not perfect , but we both hate condoms and wish to continue having sex.

I hope you both find something that works for you.

scaryteacher · 14/06/2019 11:28

I was the same as you, so I told dh it was condoms or abstinence. He doesn't like condoms, so did the decent thing and got snipped.

Malyshek · 14/06/2019 11:29

I think if your partner feels strongly about this the onus is on him to do something about it. You don't have to take the pill to make him happy.

I think what you need to do is sit down with your DH and review the options open to you. Talk about all contraception options open to each of you and tell him what you're willing to do or not do. Be it :

  • sex with condoms
  • no sex
  • sex with a vasectomie
  • sex with other means of contraception

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to mess with your hormones and also up to him to offer alternative solutions if he doesn't want to get a vasectomie.

user87382294757 · 14/06/2019 11:30

We're in a similar place. I am in 40s and feel concerned about hormones as getting older. I want him to get one also but he is not keen. So we use condoms for now, neither of us are that keen on them though. Not simple.

What about a copper coil? I had one in the past and was OK. It can make your periods heavy though

Blondebakingmumma · 14/06/2019 11:31

It’s quite common among dh’s Peer group for the husband to have the snip

Scarydinosaurs · 14/06/2019 11:32

What is his suggestion? Is he happy using condoms?

PeoplesFrontOfJudith · 14/06/2019 11:35

Be firm and tell him you’re done putting your body through all of that, and after putting your health and life on the line with birthing your child it’s time for him to step up and do his part for the family.

I’m fed up of having to coddle men who won’t consider vasectomies but equally say they don’t want any more kids. Take bloody responsibility then!

orangeshoebox · 14/06/2019 11:37

yanbu
and I agree with above posters regarding options.

APurpleSquirrel · 14/06/2019 11:37

I was the same - after having DC I didn't want to go back on the pill, or try any other form for me. Thankfully DH has always said he'd get the snip, which he did late last year. It helped that his dad had it too, plus several friends, so it's been normalised for him.
Of course its his choice not to get it done, his body after all - but don't get pressured into taking/doing anything you don't want either. Its very hypocritical of him to say its fine for you to take artificial hormones etc but not for him to have a very simple, quick and easy outpatient operation.
If he doesn't want the snip, your choices are condoms or no sex.

AllTheProsecco · 14/06/2019 11:39

In a similar place here too except we are both under 30 and have heard that DH won't be offered the snip at this age. DS is only 8 weeks so not very much going on in that department at the moment anyway!

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 14/06/2019 11:46

I agree with all the above posters. You've done your bit, now it's his turn to take responsibility:
Condoms, vasectomy or no sex are the choices it boils down to.

Fortunately after two kids, my dh was (fairly) happy to get the snip because we were both quite young and had many years left to worry about the risk of pregnancy. Was definitely the best decision and sex is worry and hassle free.

Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 14/06/2019 12:11

Every time I try to discuss it with DH he acts like we don't need to discuss it yet. We both know that if I got pregnant before returning to work it would massively screw up our lives as I wouldn't get the generous contractual maternity leave and I'm the breadwinner. I wouldn't be willing to have an abortion though so we've agreed abstinence for the time being, but I've only got a few months of Mat Leave left and want us to decide what we'll do long term.

OP posts:
PestoCaffeinisto · 14/06/2019 12:15

Just use condoms then. Neither of you has to mess around with your bodies.

Scarydinosaurs · 14/06/2019 12:16

Do you not trust condoms?

nothingtowearever · 14/06/2019 12:24

I can't have any type of contraception. I spoke to DH about it and said it was making me miserable and feel unhealthy etc and he was more than happy to just use condoms. We haven't got kids yet so vasectomy isn't an option but I think it would be one he'd consider when the time came.

StormTreader · 14/06/2019 12:28

Do you think he's trying to wait you out until you "just go back on the pill"?

user87382294757 · 14/06/2019 12:29

Condoms can be a worry. They can come off, break. I find this situation is impacting our sex life.

Beautiful3 · 14/06/2019 12:34

I was in a similar situation. I ended up opting for the copper coil, as there are no side effects. I didn't want to end up pregnant again.

Onescaredmuma · 14/06/2019 12:43

I actually agree and so does my DH he was the one who said no more children and went and got the snip right after DS was born. He said the Dr tried to convince him to send me in for the pill or the coil. The pill does not agree with me at all and I have health anxiety so upping my chances of cancer or DVT isn't going to do my mental health any good. I also have anxiety with examinations I had to have gas and air just to let midwives go near me in labour I have to have diazapam for my smears so the coil is not going any wear near me!

DH actually came home really wound up and said in the end he had to tell the Dr we are not here to discuss my wife as the Dr kept bringing up everything I could go on.

LordNibbler · 14/06/2019 12:45

I can never understand some men. They don't want kids but won't take any responsibility for preventing pregnancy. I think if it was them getting pregnant then they might be a lot more motivated. But they just seem to have this attitude that it's the woman's responsibility and won't talk about it further. They wont have a simple op and have a bit of discomfort for a week or so, but seem to expect their partners to fill their bodies with hormones until menopause, regardless of any health implications.
OP I'd be telling him have the snip or don't, but there won't be any sex until he does. Fairs fair, it's his turn to make sure there are no more babies.

user87382294757 · 14/06/2019 12:48

I guess the other non hormonal options apart from the copper coil, for women would be natural planning (not very reliable especially in older women) and sterilisation, which is a keyhole operation. and I think, not as reliable. It seems unfair they won't consider the snip. Especially when you consider the pain women go through in childbirth etc. In fact I think it is a bit pathetic!

Laska2Meryls · 14/06/2019 12:56

I went for sterilisation, after my one and only child , have never regretted it, Job done.

Fairylea · 14/06/2019 13:02

We are in the same situation, although ours is complicated by my endocrinologist telling me he doesn’t want me taking any more hormonal contraception (I have Addison’s disease and it can affect the levels of cortisol which complicates things).

We have gone for a caya diaphragm. You can get them either through amazon or through an NHS family planning clinic. They’re not quite as reliable as condoms and are not for everyone but we hate condoms and both have quite low fertility anyway so it suits us. Might be worth looking into.

CountFosco · 14/06/2019 13:02

We had always used condoms and were in the process of discussing DH having the snip after DC3 was born when we had a broken condom so I ended up having the MAP and having a copper coil fitted. I was actually surprised how resistant to having the snip he was, he was really concerned about the potential side effects and wanted me to try everything before he would do it even though he said he wouldn't want any more kids if I was to die. Thankfully the coil works well for me and so it's not been an issue.

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