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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to muck around with my hormones anymore?

87 replies

ILoveEurovision · 14/06/2019 10:07

I've been on the pill on and off since I was a teenager. It's worked but I don't think it's been brilliant for my body (weight gain etc). DH and I have one child now and don't want any more. I was very ill with DS. I could go through it again if I really wanted another child but feel satisfied. DH feels very strongly that he doesn't want any more children as he is too old and tired to go through the baby stage ever again.

I think DH assumed I'd go back on the pill after the birth but I haven't and really don't want to. I don't think it's a good long term solution. I don't really fancy the coil or anything similar either having read so much negative stuff about them on here (I know loads of people love their Mirena coil and don't have periods anymore, but I think I'm done messing around with my body).

DH says he doesn't understand why I am worried about continuing to mess around with my hormones as, after all, contraception is not natural anyway. I have tried to explain to him about the risks of DVT, cancer etc. which I appreciate are small risks but ones I'd rather avoid. I also realise that with the pill having a typical 91% effectiveness rate, there's a fair chance I'd get pregnant again in the next 10 or so years.

Moreover, I think I just feel like I've done my bit taking care of the contraception for a number of years and I don't see why it's always on the woman to sort it (unless using condoms)-? DH is the one who feels strongest about not having any more children and if we broke up I am certain he wouldn't have any with a new partner, so it would make a lot of sense for him to get a vasectomy but he's squeamish.

AIBU to not get contraception? I'm not actively trying to force DH to get a vasectomy, but right now we're at a stand-off and I don't know how we'll resolve it.

OP posts:

user87382294757 · 14/06/2019 13:38

Mine thinks it is painful to orgasm after the snip. Unsure how realistic that is

With the Caya not sure about that as after DC cervic seems much lower. imagine it getting free or feeling it. Interesting though.

Birdie6 · 14/06/2019 13:49

I had my tubes tied. Easy.

Pinkmouse6 · 14/06/2019 14:01

Similar situation here. I already had three DC to my ex husband when I met my DP five years ago and we now have a baby together too. I’m quite satisfied with that but DP would love to have another one so won’t have a vasectomy.

I don’t want hormonal contraception whatsoever, I’ve used it for years and I’m tired of my body being pissed about. Considered the copper coil but read it can cause heavy bleeding. I had the implant once and it was fucking awful, I bled the entire time it was in and ended up begging for it to be removed. I just don’t want any of it tbh, I really can’t be bothered bleeding for weeks on end.

DP and I both have a mutual hatred of condoms but that’s what we’re stuck with atm. Unsure what to do, getting the coil feels like the right thing to do but I really don’t want it.

user87382294757 · 14/06/2019 14:02

Would have tubes tied but not more keyhole for me due to previous surgery unfortunately.

Lellikelly26 · 14/06/2019 14:05

I don’t like taking hormones as most of them make me feel awful. Fortunately my DH was brave and agreed to have a vasectomy. He’s had no trouble with that at all, it was around 9 years ago now. Sex life perfectly fine etc (I expect men worry about that mostly!) it’s great not to have to worry about contraception.
I think it’s your DH turn to do his bit in terms of birth control

bigKiteFlying · 14/06/2019 14:15

We use condoms - basicly GP just offer Mirena coil - current one did pill for six months but I suffered anxiety and loss of libido which apparently was nothing to do with the hormones and if I had the miram coil I’d be fine – copper one wasn’t recommended as history of heavy periods.

Could do condoms and tracking cycle?

bigKiteFlying · 14/06/2019 14:17

I had my tubes tied. Easy.

May be it depends on area but I understood that was increasingly hard to get done as they tend to prefer you have a coil - I think unwanted pg rates with coils were actually lower or something.

Original poster

ILoveEurovision · 14/06/2019 16:49

Do you not trust condoms?

Not really. We used them when first dating but the effectiveness doesn't seem that great given how strongly DH feels about not having more DC and I wouldn't even want to take MAP if one broke.

Do you think he's trying to wait you out until you "just go back on the pill"?

Probably. Or he knows that a vasectomy is the sensible option but doesn't want to admit it because "I don't want anyone going near my willy!"

I'd consider getting sterilised myself but I had to have an EMCS, which DH freaked out about, and I just think I'd either of us is going to have surgery then it makes sense for him to do it because it's a simpler process and I've done my bit for years and done the birth and everything...

OP posts:

user87382294757 · 15/06/2019 03:22

Yes and after surgery they might find it tricky due to adhesions (from previous surgery) they told me.

carla1983 · 15/06/2019 03:56

YANBU. I feel the pill is like chemical castration for women. It switches off our hormones sometimes for years on end. Those hormones give us strong bones, and reduce our risk of cancer, stokes and heart disease.

The pill gave me terrible acne and made me depressed.

Scientists did try to develop a pill for men but the men they tested it on said they wouldn't take it as they would not put up with the side effects.

Says it all, doesn't it?

user87382294757 · 15/06/2019 04:33

Does anyone else feel this situation makes them resentful and even avoid sex? It does me recently. Have finished our family. It would be dangerous for me to get pregnant the doctors told me due to extent of previous surgery and adhesions. So guess I should go back on hormonal but that worries me also in 40s. I feel totally stuck with it. No coils either due to retroverted womb (I mean they would try but don;t wan to risk it)

it is like sex is now linked to fear and worry which is a total turn off

justilou1 · 15/06/2019 05:19

Funny how he turns his ears off when you mention a quick trip to this guy....

To not want to muck around with my hormones anymore?

ittakes2 · 15/06/2019 05:30

I think it’s very common amongst my friends for the husband to refuse to have a vasectomy. My sister and my friend fell pregnant after such refusals, now both husbands have had the snip.

Jocasta2018 · 15/06/2019 05:40

I honestly think men are quite pathetic about vasectomies. They're perfectly happy for women to take massive amounts of hormones and if the women is giving birth they get to see it in all its brutal glory with all the life-changing problems that can come with it. Yet they're scared of vasectomies!

It would honestly make me lose respect for a man if he refused to have one as basically he believes the woman should put up & shut up with the joys of contraception and all the side effects rather than he actually do anything.

Luckily the majority of my male friends have had the snip - they either don't want children so have proactively taken control of their fertility or have completed their families so they're giving the women in their lives a break.

user87382294757 · 15/06/2019 05:46

What is the problem with the snip- seems fairly simple, does it really cause long lasting pain on orgasm as mine seems to think?

Yes it seems a bit 'wussy' I feel not to have it which in itself is not very attractive.

If I was pregnant would need to have an early termination so it is a big deal. Although either that or pregnancy is a huge deal.

PregnantSea · 15/06/2019 05:50

You need to sit down and have a proper talk about this to run through the options. Absolutely insist that he sits down and talks, don't be fobbed off with excuses. If he flatly refuses then I would stop having sex until he's ready to talk. You don't want to risk an unwanted pregnancy with a man who refuses to talk about contraception and has already said he wants no more kids. It would be quite miserable for you.

Whattodofgs · 15/06/2019 06:03

The implant is a low dose hormone solution that works for a lot of people. It lasts for three years and is suitable even if you have migraines etc

QueenBeee · 15/06/2019 06:06

Isn't the cap around now? I used that for a few years. Fiddly but if you don't want to get pregnant you make sure you put it in correctly. I think it's as safe as condoms.

DianaT1969 · 15/06/2019 06:42

Is the barrier method - diagram - not recommended anymore? That isn't hormonal.
You pop it in before sex. Perhaps it has fallen out of favour?

Oneweekleft · 15/06/2019 07:08

I am currently breastfeeding and we had the caya diaphram as well. I've been really impressed with its ease of use. It's not really noticeable during sex at all and easy to put in and remove. However something about it is not giving me full confidence that it will prevent pregnancy. I think it's meant to be about 92% effective? I'm considering switching to something else once my periods have returned but I dont really want to. May combine the caya with the pulling out method or "fertile days"... sometimes wish I'd gone for tubal litigation at last c section..

user87382294757 · 15/06/2019 07:18

If you wanted to combine i would a very simple app called Cyclebeads for the phone. Shows where you are on your cycle and safe days on a simple circle of 'beads' use for planning your period also.

Mine is still very regular at 28 days but unsure whether to trust that in my 40s due to perimenopause.

it is all stressful.

user87382294757 · 15/06/2019 07:18

Also if your periods stop while breastfeeding don't trust that- I got pregnant doing that!

user87382294757 · 15/06/2019 07:19

Can you get the Caya from NHS? It is around £40. Does it feel like the Mooncup or softer I wonder.

OnlineAlienator · 15/06/2019 07:24

Yanbu - its not about whats natural , its about life being shitty with hormones being cocked up! I went off it within a couple of years and i refuse to go on hormonal contraception. Sometimes men get shitty because oh dearie me they have to use a condom if they want to have sex with me...so? I see it as a good filtration mechanism

Pearlfish · 15/06/2019 07:24

I feel the same as you about hormonal contraception, OP. You need to be very firm with DH that this is simply no longer an option, and that the long term solution is condoms, vasectomy or abstinence.

We use condoms and find that works well for us.

Incidentally, while you are going down the abstinence route, do make sure you continue to be intimate in non-PIV ways.

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