All ex-wives are nutters...

[Theresahandbook]

Do Ex-husbands/partners have a handbook that they refer to after a break up?

Having read so many threads that sound so similar to the things my ex has done or the exes of my friends, I'm beginning to think there's a secret handbook.

These are the chapters I can think of-can anyone add any?

1. All ex-wives are mental/nutters/phsychos-tell them this at all times to ensure you continue to undermine them even though you've spilt

2. Be a complete twat but lie about it all the time and make out to everyone that you are perfect, charming and beyond reproach

3. Lie to the children about why you split up. Make sure it sounds like you were the victim. If you want to move to advanced level, take the worse things you did an tell the DCs all about it but switch roles so you were the victim not the perpetrator.

4. Don't wash the DCs when they stay, let them stay up as long as they want and make sure there is no nutritious food in the house

5. If you hear that your ex-wife is going out while you are having the DCs for your weekend of access call in sick-preferably at the last minute

6. If your ex-wife has a new car or goes on holiday, convince yourself that she's bought it out of the pitiful CM you pay and the DCs are therefore neglected.

Any more?

The reason that's such a big deal is that it's so very rare. And people actually give a shit about men getting hurt.

Bookworm your comprehension skills are poor. I said the vast majority were relatively minor. One exceptional example does not a rule make.

Not all...I'm an ex wife friends with my ex & partner, & my oh, his ex wife would be a proper friend if it wasnt for my oh.

This is the issue with DV against men. Attitudes like that "all well it doesnt matter cos its not many"

I bet there's a shit load more men being abused than we will ever know because whats the point when nobody gives a shit anyway?

Mavis you've got the wrong end of the stick there. It's NEWS because it's RARE. People CARE enough to post about on here and publicise it for months on end because he's a MAN. Meanwhile 2-3 women a week are still being killed by their partners in the UK alone. And how many men have been killed by women since then? Your 'bet' is pure groundless conjecture.

I havent got the wrong end of the stick at all. You dont care about DV against men because it doesnt happen enough (even though you dont actually know that)

Not giving a shit against male victims doesnt help female victims btw.

There are charities for women there are helplines there is support. Its awful of course its awful and i dont think its any less awful just because i believe it happens to men too (because it does).

Youre really naive if you think its rare

I am now in the fortunate position that i really don't care anymore, but then I have been the crazy ex for decades.

My ex was (now I look back) planning the "crazy woman" speel for a year before he left. My house was stalked by his friend, I had death threats put through my door, all obviously in my head.....All my neighbours had been told I was a raging alcoholic .. apparently I hid it well 😱😱

When he left, I was expected to crumble and hand over the house and children... um no that didn't happen, so the ramping up of trying to make me crazy, more weird stalking, his friend used to stand and stare into my window making gun signs. Now I knew this was happening, but all the people who I thought were my friends, took his side as apparently this was all in my head as they had been told I was mentally unwell.

I still didn't crumble (fuck knows how), I reported the stalking to the police, I got a solicitor and some bloody good legal advice, I stayed in a lot, didn't socialise locally, I also worked a lot, and stayed away at my DSISs a hella of a lot.

It did calm down, and I started to be a little more sociable and weirdly enough I got a few apologies from my neighbours about a year later. I also had far too many nosey parks who took sympathetic glee telling me all the things they had been told about me.

When I could afford to move out of the area, I did and not surprisingly I don't see any of those "friends" anymore.

Am I crazy, no, does he still tell anyone who will listen that I'm the crazy ex, who stopped him seeing his children. - yes! Um no he didn't bother for 2 years, once he realised he wasn't getting my house. And when he did surface he turned up drunk/high to my house unannounced. So no I didn't let the DCs go that day.

I did stupidly try via my ex MIL to facilitate access. And then I learnt the pattern of the next 10 years.

Single
No contact
No maintenance

New girlfriend
Moves into new girlfriends house
Demanding contact but cancels 70% of the time.
No maintenance
Tells girlfriend he is poor due to all the maintenance, so they end up financially supporting him.
Tells them I'm crazy
Gets them pregnant
New girlfriend starts calling or sending letters to ask me for more access, as apparently I keep cancelling and it's affecting his mental health.....123 normally followed by "don't use your DCs as pawns"....
The funniest ones have been the begging letters asking me to reduce the non existent child support, as they have a baby and need the money. I did one time reply to inform them I didn't get a single penny of child support...they didn't believe me.
He cheats
Leaves another family, tells everyone the new ex is crazy....

Be very wary of anyone who claims their partner is crazy or that their ex is crazy....as they are more likely to be the unhinged one

Sorry that was a long post 😱😂

If I am honest I dont think people 'care' for women as much as men in these situations. I dont think single Mums get alot of support and are looked at the same way single dads are, there are so many single Mums that literally work there arse off looking after their kids trying to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads, the Dads not contributing money wise or emotionally yet they arent looked down on like the women are.
In regards to my ex in all the years of him not seeing his kids or paying for them only one person in his life told him he was wrong, Being an absent father should be looked down on more, there should be the same stigma attached to it that there is for absent mothers.
If theres a single Dad hes 'amazing' its really not looked at the same.
Same with step parents. Step Mums are vilified where as step Dads are fantastic for taking on someone elses child.
Its wrong and it should change.

This works both ways.

My husband seriously has a crazy ex wife.

Amongst other things she grabbed him in the street, pulled him into her house and locked him in because he told her he had no need to come in and have tea with her when he dropped off his daughter.

I was in the car watching all of this. So it isn't that my hubby is the crazy one lol

Years ago I used to work at the CSA. Basically if the children weren’t in brand new clothes or shoes every week then obviously the mum was spending all the maintenance on herself 🤷‍♀️ FFS, not sure about all posters on here but I don’t spend £50 every single week on stuff like that for DS. It goes in the general pot to pay the mortgage, utilities etc. All of which DS benefits from.

I think it’s important to remember that both men and women can behave like arseholes. Probably similar numbers of men attempt some kind of parental alienation as women. Those men may usually be less successful than the women who try because it’s harder to influence your children EOW than when you have them more often.

There are far fewer women than men out there who’ve swanned off into the distance leaving behind children they neither see not support. That means that men are much more likely than women that they’re pretending to all and sundry that their evil/crazy ex is stealing all their money and denying them contact with their children. It’s hard to do that when you’re the one left holding the baby.

I think people generally do think poorly of ‘deadbeat dads’. That is why the ones who don’t see the children or pay maintenance choose to lie about it and make their ex the villain. It is certainly true that an ‘evil woman’ narrative Is far too often an easy sell, even to other women.

@wetweather -Jesus, he makes my ex look like an amateur!! Thanatos goodness you're through that awful experience...it never leaves you completely though does it!?

My initial post was linked more to the fact lots of women seem to have the same issues with their exes.

That's not to say that all ex-wives are innocent and all ex-husbands "have the handbook!"

There was certainly no intent to suggest any form of DV was ok ...no matter who does it.

I wonder if the exes think us crazy ex-wives have got a handbook too!!

Us first wives are the practise wife.

I was just about to come on and urge people to stick to the original subject but I see the OP has done an excellent job of doing this herself so I am not saying anything...

@EstherMumsnet Thank you, hopefully back on track ...

My ex-has has a few wives so it's entirely possible

A “few” wives? 😳 yeah I’m sure he isn’t the problem..

@Theresahandbook thankfully I was more resilient that he thought, but yep it was fucked up. It was a long long time ago though, but reading this thread did make me remember. I wasn't sure about sharing, but I do think it's important to remind people that this is often a pattern of behaviour....and that often there are a string of crazy ex's in those cases...and yep I reckon those types have a handbook 😬

@Hithere12 Oh it's definitely NOT him!!! He just keeps choosing mental, controlling, alcoholic, negligent, lazy, lying wives who all lie about him. He's just unlucky

@wetweather -our resilience surprises them because they thought they'd done a thorough job but a little bit of us clung on!!

Mine thought I'd crumble-and when I have to discuss anything with him now, no matter how calm I am, he starts again!!

There was an issue about the DCs a couple of weeks ago -nothing major in my eyes but one DC wanted me to tell him that they don't want a particular food when they are there and said she daren't tell him. So I brought it up very calmly, explained that when she visited at the weekend she wanted me to ask him not to get **. Went completely off the dial-said he doesn't give them it, his wife doesn't either, (the DCs weren't fed it 3 meals running (yes 3!!) because the SMum was ranting about waste so kept putting it back out! Finished off with hissing "and you believe everything YOUR children tell you do you?"

After he'd gone the DCs were gutted at how much he'd lied (they heard him-I'd never have said!)

...some leopard hide their spots but they don't change them....

I'd have to disagree with you Esther. Men cover up all kinds of vile behaviour including DA with 'my ex was crazy' thereby discrediting her testimony. I think it's perfectly relevant. Perhaps you have to have experience of it to get the link.

ruffle

Youre clearly massively projecting here.

@Rufflecrow I have to agree with you there mine did.

My fella’s not perfect, but one of the things I liked about him, when we met, is that he told all about his previous relationships.
Why they broke up, the problem with her, the problem with him, the problem with her mother/son/cat.
But he never slagged off any of his exes. And would chat to them if he met them on the street. But I know men who do have the Handbook!

Wouldn't it be a shame if we let our own, similar (or different) experiences get marred and end up with us sniping at each other?

10. get the ladies to hate each other, then they'll always believe the man!!

I don't think Ester was misunderstanding the link at all-she was just going to refocus it on the OP about how there are similar patterns of behaviour however it was getting lost in a world of "women can he abusers too"-we know that. "Some women are mental/poisonous"-we know that too. "Some women can't let go"-yep! "Some men are the victims"-no one said they weren't, I've seen first hand, some horrific DV situations where the woman was the perpetrator (I've had an interesting career path!!)

I just thought it might be helpful for the ex-wives of the dickheads who have "the handbook" to know they're not alone...that's all really