All ex-wives are nutters...

[Theresahandbook]

Do Ex-husbands/partners have a handbook that they refer to after a break up?

Having read so many threads that sound so similar to the things my ex has done or the exes of my friends, I'm beginning to think there's a secret handbook.

These are the chapters I can think of-can anyone add any?

1. All ex-wives are mental/nutters/phsychos-tell them this at all times to ensure you continue to undermine them even though you've spilt

2. Be a complete twat but lie about it all the time and make out to everyone that you are perfect, charming and beyond reproach

3. Lie to the children about why you split up. Make sure it sounds like you were the victim. If you want to move to advanced level, take the worse things you did an tell the DCs all about it but switch roles so you were the victim not the perpetrator.

4. Don't wash the DCs when they stay, let them stay up as long as they want and make sure there is no nutritious food in the house

5. If you hear that your ex-wife is going out while you are having the DCs for your weekend of access call in sick-preferably at the last minute

6. If your ex-wife has a new car or goes on holiday, convince yourself that she's bought it out of the pitiful CM you pay and the DCs are therefore neglected.

Any more?

I do think some are like this. My dhs ex gf has done many things to cause trouble. She is very clever with it too. She makes up stories that never happen to make herself appear a victim. Its all very strange.
I liked her when I first met her I was always friendly to her and we would chat at the doorstep.
My friend had warned me about her before hand that she makes up lies. But she appeared normal and friendly to me so I didnt take too much notice as I like to judge people on my own perception...
It took a couple of years till I found out she had made up all sorts of situations that had never happened and told all of my exs family. Really really weird.

That being said my own ex told everyone how mental I was, him and his new wife sent me some awful messages. Until a couple of years later she contacted me after she started to realise what HE was like. She actually really ended up liking me as I was very kind to her in the really shit situation she was in.

I always think if you are told someone is a nutter see for yourself.
It may have taken me a while to realise but at least I did in the end.

A friend of mine has an ex dh who has done all of the above and more e.g. petitioning to have child support reduced by the amount he pays in bus fare to visit the children. Makes me kind of glad not to be a retired police sargeant coz the pension sounds dire.

I have a well thumbed copy of this handbook. Although mine has:
6a) never pay child maintenance, ever, when you leave your partner the financial responsibility is totally hers even (when you earn £180K a year)
7) never be able to reply to a simple yes/ no question without a considerable paragraph of ranting.
8) keep all the good clothes and send the children back in rags.

Holy shit, do we have the same ex?!

Just this weekend he brought DS back early because he got it into his head I had been out the night before and must have a hangover - I'd stayed in and had a takeaway! And every time we see each other for drop offs it's 'oh is that a new *insert any item of clothing/haircut/plant' and how I must have soooo much money and have spent the CM on it.

@whothedaddy again - do we have the same ex?! If I have to hear about what a hard time he's having and how the past 6 years have been hell for him....how I'll never have a relationship or connection like I did with him... good, I don't want another bloody relationship like that! Never mind the fact I've since married and had another child!

I've had a particularly heinous week with the ex, this anger is all quite fresh

Insists that the HUGE amount of child support she has extorted from him is always spent on luxurious treats for herself and the children don't benefit from it at all.

Believes his children don't need food and clothing regularly if he's been denied access.

It really isn't Bookworm. Most incidents of F on M violence are relatively minor vs 2-3 women per week in the UK actually killed by a current or former partner.

I hear your cry of NAMALT. Perhaps you're new to MN and unfamilar with the statistics? Karen Ingala Smith is easily google-able as is Jean Hatchett. They will be of use i'm sure. Good luck with your education

@Ruffle
Regardless of your statistics you seem hellbent on dismissing that men can be victimised, how would you feel if people diminished DV against women?
If your DS was a victim of DV would you dismiss it because he’s a man? I’m sorry but I find your attitude shocking, to dismiss that a man can be abused and victimised, women are not all sweetness, just because it happens to more women doesn’t lessen the fact it happens to men.

But ruffle youre still assuming all male nrps are abusive.....

Fab. Thanks for that.

For the record, as an ex wife, I am a normal person doing the best I can to get by. I did fuck all wrong - he has the affair, not me, not that he would tell you that. He also hasn’t paid maintenance in 10 years but will have lied and told you he bought me a house. Also a lie. A very big one. I work very hard and I support my children.

All step mothers, however, are evil witches.

Domestic violence, whoever the perpetrator is disgusting.

Goodness me-this has been busy!!!

I don't think anyone has actually said women can't be abusive/bitter/mental/irrational/controlling/coercive etc. There are always two sides-it's not simply bad blokes and angelic ladies!

My post was just about the ex-husband handbook but there is most likely one for some ladies who do not put their children first and still want to screw up their ex-husbands instead (even years later!)

Although I do need to add to the PP about clothing.

8. If the DCs pack nice clothes to visit then trash them as soon as possible (particularly new shoes) and then, when your ex-wife gives up sending anything nice, complain they they don't pack decent clothes (even though the clothes sent are actually fine!)

@NameChangeNugget -absolutely right!!

@CanILeavenowplease absolutely!

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl I worry that people assume the sane if I say that my BF’s ex is a nightmare. Thing is, he was always fairly polite (if vague) about her until it became apparent that she is just very difficult and not very nice. Over time her own behaviour has very clearly shown me that she is actually a total nightmare who will put herself before the children and do just about anything to get her own way.

She does, of course, paint herself as a victim to anyone who’ll listen.

My ex is an abusive nightmare. But I’m pretty sure he will tell everyone how it’s me that’s the problem.

On parental alienation: It does happen. My BF’s mother did it to her kids (and still continues with it). To this day his younger siblings won’t have anything to do with his dad, who is far from perfect but isn’t the villain his ex-wife makes him out to be.

Both my parents did their best at parental alienation. It’s not fun having both sides try to turn you against each other. My mum thinks she ‘won’, because she still has contact with my sister and I. But I’m very wary of her to this day.

@RuffleCrow
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/16/controlling-girlfriend-first-woman-convicted-new-domestic-abuse/amp/
Yes, relatively minor.

Is this the book that Mr Johnson will write if he does not become Prime Minister?

This ex wife is normal but my DHs ex wife is a total fruit loop, she demaned more money from us when her new boyfriend got her pregnant ! Needless to say she was told NO !

My exH has that handbook.

There's an extra chapter that just lists possible car fault excuses to give to avoid having the kids i.e. got no petrol money, it's having an MOT (who knew MOTs take a month to do?) waiting for the tax disc in the post (this is admittedly in the old edition of the handbook, when carrier pigeons posted tax discs).

Well "Bookworm4" I read the telegraph attachment and she sounds like a complete pyscho, so yes, I see your point

@Bookworm4 -the documentary is horrific. Such a brave man to come forward.

it does annoy me though, when I state that dps ex is a nightmare, that people assume that is just what he has told me, when actually the opposite is true

I can relate to this. When I met my DP he told me that he and his ex were on good terms, got on well and were friends etc. I thought this was smashing and was glad there would be no hassle. Fast forward 1 month from meeting him and OMG, her behaviour was sooo unreasonable. Maybe it was just the shock of not having him at her beck and call anymore. He still didn't bad mouth her even though she was making his life a misery.

Bookworm - It's an issue but it's not a 'huge issue'. Let's get things in perspective.

Yep. My ex has the handbook, and from what his current/ex girlfriend (I can't keep up with all their break ups) has written to me, she's read it too (if she can read, she certainly can't write/spell.)

Yes to chapter about car trouble, citing 'wear and tear on the car' as one of the reasons why he can't pick his kids up.

And, yes, I am bitter, I'm fed up of all his bullshit and the effect on the kids.