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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me BU or MIL?

86 replies

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 16:59

Relationship with MIL been somewhat strained since arrival of baby, but not particularly awful.
She hasn’t had much involvement, she calls round occasionally but that’s about it.
Recently she’s asked to start watching her on her own which I was fine with- so I initiated this on her day off just for an hour or so while little one got more familiar- been glued to me since birth to be honest!
So upto now its only happened the once, I’ve suggested other times but MIL cannot do these due to things like having to go to the supermarket and general things like that. Which is fine it’s her life.
I sensed she seemed abit fed up when I last saw her so I text asking if she wanted baby on Saturday morning for a few hours- we have plans on Saturday afternoon and father’s day is Sunday so to be honest Saturday morning only time that suits!
She asked what time and I replied
‘ any time that suits you as we will probably collect her about 12pm as we’re out in the afternoon’
Her response was-

This really isn't what I want, or expected, I don't think your being very considerate, you knew when you have stayed at mine, I don't get up on till around 10am, it may sound lazy to you but that's how I am now

I havnt replied .. I’m not sure what to say?
That’s completely fine if she doesn’t want to get up.. but does she still get to moan?
I obviously don’t want this to escalate but unsure what to say or do.
Obviously we’ve never been offered any help with baby which again completely her call. But I’d like to think she’d see her because it would benefit our baby and also help us- rather than just suiting her ?
am I being unreasonable just saying the morning ?

OP posts:

Nofilter101 · 12/06/2019 17:01

YABU

Original poster

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 17:04

@Nofilter101 do you mind if I ask why? I do really want another insight so I can try and understand. Obviously it doesn’t bother me if she wants to chill on a Saturday - her response just seemed upset and not sure how to rectify

OP posts:

Iloveacurry · 12/06/2019 17:04

Ok we’ll can arrange another day then. Then leave it. She’s being unreasonable.

mimibunz · 12/06/2019 17:04

Just ignore and don’t respond.

TreeSunset · 12/06/2019 17:04

Seriously? YANBU. Ignore previous poster.
Getting her at 10am for 2 hours is a start. Your baby will wonder who the stranger is if you start giving her to her all day. Shopping can be done online or rearranged for any time.

CripsSandwiches · 12/06/2019 17:07

I guess she probably thinks she's being used as a babysitter rather than you just wanting to see her and have her spend time with Grandma. She does sound quite touchy OP! Do you all spend nice time together as a family? Meals out etc?

TinselTimes · 12/06/2019 17:07

You could reply saying “ok, I’m not sure what you did expect. I’m happy for you to spend time with DD, but obviously we need to give DD a chance to get used to you with short visits first. Maybe just let me know when you’d like to have her. This weekend we’re busy on Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday.”

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2019 17:08

She sounds like a proper twat. That response to you was totally unnecessary. I'd be keeping her well at arm's reach and I certainly wouldn't waste my time trying to foster a relationship with her and her grandchild.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 17:09

Why don't you just speak to her though and ask her what times suit her and see if they suit you aswell? Her response was a bit sharp but things can get lost in translation over texts and maybe she feels like you're choosing times you know won't suit her on purpose or something? Talk to eachother or better still get your DH to speak to her about it, he is her son after all

Original poster

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 17:09

@CripsSandwiches I did worry about this! But we’ve never asked her to have her- which to me seemed like was the issue it was as though we had offended her. So when she asked to start having her alone that’s why we instantly agreed and I tried to facilitate but I just can’t work out if she’s being abit awkward! We don’t really do anythinf as a family to be honest but I don’t think their that kind of family I’ve never known us to go out for a meal unless a special occasion !

OP posts:

Original poster

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 17:12

@AryaStarkWolf I was going to do this but I didn’t want to seem awkward saying we can’t do this time this time and this time as we do have a pretty hectic weekend! That’s why I thought I’d ask her when I was free instead but I guess she could have taken it this way. Maybe having a baby has made me immune to morning times. I only consider times earlier than 6 early

OP posts:

teddyhatesapples · 12/06/2019 17:14

She sounds really angry about something...I would try and work out what it could be.

But YANBU, she's being a bit of a twat. If she doesn't get up till 10am that still leaves 2 hours.

Does she feel judged about her waking up so late? Is she unwell and that's causing the late wake up and therefore directing her frustration and anger in the wrong direction?

Could your DH try and talk to her about it?

Original poster

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 17:17

@teddyhatesapples I agree I just worry it’s at me !
She likes a drink after work etc so goes to bed I’d say about 1am. So perhaps this.
DH doesn’t want to- he’s a lot more pissed off than I am, from his view she’s been asking to see her more but then refuses unless it’s compleletly on her terms and he can’t understand why she wouldn’t just get up as she has 3/4 days off a week.
But I’ve tried to tell him it’s her choice. I’m trying to be the middle ground before it escalates

OP posts:

baubled · 12/06/2019 17:20

I agree with @AryaStarkWolf too, she could be thinking that you're doing it on purpose to limit her time/not letting her have time with your baby.

Are you on good enough terms normally to give her a ring and clear it up? Saves anymore miscommunication from texts.

sillysmiles · 12/06/2019 17:24

Why are you having this conversation over text message. So much can be lost in text and can be read completely differently that was intended. She may be reading something off in your text that you don't intend and you could be in hers. Pick up the phone and speak to each other.

teddyhatesapples · 12/06/2019 17:28

Ahh ok, maybe she is just being a bit of a dick then. How old is your DD?

I had similar with my own parents. They insisted on weekly visits with us and due to DH's hectic work schedule and fitting in family time (just us and baby) sometimes the only time free we would be the same time my Dad partakes in his hobby, every week without fail. It could very easily have been done at another time during the weekend but he wouldn't break his routine.

He stupidly called me up after I'd been up with DS all night asking "why I was doing this to him" and in my sleep deprived state I told him to fuck off, shove his hobby up his arse and I wasn't going to forever rearrange our weekend around his hobby if there wasn't going to ever be any flexibility on their end.

It improved with time, they just really struggled with not being the decision makers. And genuinely couldn't understand why it was acceptable for me to rearrange my weekend every week and then not do the same for us!

dottiedodah · 12/06/2019 17:33

Maybe she doesnt feel up to babysitting at the moment.If she has only done it the once ,I think its a fair bet she feels uneasy with total responsibility for a young baby .Maybe she would want to wait until babe is a little bigger ?.Leave it for now and unless she asks again dont say any more about it .Many grandparents"forget " what its like with a baby and may not feel up to it to it

BogglesGoggles · 12/06/2019 17:33

Quite frankly I wouldn’t bother trying to organise anything if she can’t be civil. Leave your DH to sort out his mother himself. If she asks you then just tell her to arrange it with DH.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/06/2019 17:36

Stop overthinking it. If her own child thinks she is BU then you can accept that she probably is.

I too would suggest a breezy "OK. Another time then." You have been nice and accommodating as it is.

DishingOutDone · 12/06/2019 17:38

Given half a chance I stay in bed till 10 then it takes me hours to get my head together, but that is because I am lazy and have bad habits.

Young kids, babies, get up and about early surely any parent will remember that?! So if I wanted to have a lovely relationship with my grandkids I'd be up and about at 8 or whatever to fit in. She sounds entitled.

RomanyQueen · 12/06/2019 17:41

YANBU, but you should remember she only gets up at 10am.
Maybe reassure her that you don't think she's lazy, I get up at this time too, and I'm not lazy.
Perhaps just talk to her about expectations and how babies need to get to know grandparents, maybe a couple of hours visiting with you there, this is what we do as gp's, a couple of times a week, when they aren't busy.

foreverhanging · 12/06/2019 17:45

I'd leave her to it and say 'ok not to worry!'

Gustavo1 · 12/06/2019 17:53

I wouldn’t try too hard to force anything OP. It’s nice that she wants to spend time with your dd and good that you are happy for it to happen. There is no point in putting yourself out for it though. To be fair, most people only ask for a babysitter when they need one. That’s the whole point

Michellebops · 12/06/2019 18:04

Yanbu

I have a mil who's 77 and not the fittest. She "offers" to watch wee one for an hour here or there but usually when she knows we have already made other arrangements or when wee one has her classes on.

Then she moans she doesn't see enough of her.

My oh takes our girl up to see his mum every Sunday afternoon for an hour and he has to ask her permission beforehand.

🙄
That's just the mil. The fil and bil &sil are a totally different kettle of fish. Absolutely zero interest in our daughter and in turn she doesn't know who they are.

They all live 10 minutes away

MediaMum1224 · 12/06/2019 18:33

It sounds like you’re being pretty accommodating and reasonable here - you’re offering to do things on her terms, when actually you’d be completely within your rights to set all the terms, this being YOUR baby!

It sounds like she’s overreacting and perhaps has something else bothering her - this may not be anything you’ve done, she might have other things going on.

I would go for a light and friendly “of course I don’t think you’re lazy, and it’s lovely that you’re keen to have DD, just let me know when would be good for you and we’ll try and arrange something another time.” No confrontation, and keeps things open and friendly. Leave it to her to make the next move, you’re doing enough.

If it escalates to anything more I’d recruit your DH to call or go round and deal with her - he’s probably better placed to understand her moods or motivations (and already thinks she’s BU). From experience, mothers often respond more to their sons than their DILs

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