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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me BU or MIL?

86 replies

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 16:59

Relationship with MIL been somewhat strained since arrival of baby, but not particularly awful.
She hasn’t had much involvement, she calls round occasionally but that’s about it.
Recently she’s asked to start watching her on her own which I was fine with- so I initiated this on her day off just for an hour or so while little one got more familiar- been glued to me since birth to be honest!
So upto now its only happened the once, I’ve suggested other times but MIL cannot do these due to things like having to go to the supermarket and general things like that. Which is fine it’s her life.
I sensed she seemed abit fed up when I last saw her so I text asking if she wanted baby on Saturday morning for a few hours- we have plans on Saturday afternoon and father’s day is Sunday so to be honest Saturday morning only time that suits!
She asked what time and I replied
‘ any time that suits you as we will probably collect her about 12pm as we’re out in the afternoon’
Her response was-

This really isn't what I want, or expected, I don't think your being very considerate, you knew when you have stayed at mine, I don't get up on till around 10am, it may sound lazy to you but that's how I am now

I havnt replied .. I’m not sure what to say?
That’s completely fine if she doesn’t want to get up.. but does she still get to moan?
I obviously don’t want this to escalate but unsure what to say or do.
Obviously we’ve never been offered any help with baby which again completely her call. But I’d like to think she’d see her because it would benefit our baby and also help us- rather than just suiting her ?
am I being unreasonable just saying the morning ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 19:17

Okay I havnt replied yet- mainly because I’ve had a manic day and wasn’t overly sure what to say.
But she’s text me again

Anything to say about it ?

HmmConfused

OP posts:
Whocansay · 12/06/2019 19:27

Get your DH to call her. It's his mother, he can sort it. She's being odd.

But, if she's drinking everyday until 1am, I'm not convinced I'd want her looking after my baby anyway.

Bluetrews25 · 12/06/2019 19:33

'OK, we'll leave it this weekend, then. See you soon!'
Projecting my MIL here, but I'd be very worried about leaving a young child with someone who 'likes a drink' after work and cannot manage to get herself out of bed until 10am the following day.
MIL babysat once for us, and she was off her face when we returned. For some reason we never left her in charge again.
Do you think she does not want to babysit in the morning because she'd have to miss her evening drinking session in order to get up in time?
Nasty, suspicious mind, here.

NoSauce · 12/06/2019 19:37

You do sound lovely and accommodating to MIL. I guess though if you know she doesn’t get up till after 10 it seems a bit daft to ask her to have baby in the morning. Although the text she sent was very rude. Just take a step back would be my advice.

MediaMum1224 · 12/06/2019 19:38

What did her second text say? Is DH home to discuss it with?

I think either reply soon and nip it in the bud, or get him to call her - it’s good to show a united front at times like this!

Gustavo1 · 12/06/2019 19:40

life is too short for drama like this.
Don’t acknowledge delay in reply or apologise at all. I would reply a breezy “not to worry that Saturday am doesn’t suit. We will arrange something else soon”
I would dial down your involvement then to be honest. I started out trying to be “visit facilitator” but it all came back to bite me. Just ask her son to text her next time. I bet she’s not as rude with him!

paddington34 · 12/06/2019 19:41

I would text back, 'No problem, sorry this weekend doesn't work. I will get DH to ring you to arrange another time.' Then leave them to it. I would step away and let DH take over ad you will end up looking like the bad guy.

KM99 · 12/06/2019 19:42

It sounds to me like she's spoiling for a fight. I agree with PP, nice calm text back and then get DH to talk to her.

poglets · 12/06/2019 19:42

If this was me then my child wouldn't be going at all. No time for this nonsense - let your DH deal with his mother. Withdraw all attention - her sending the second text message is just goady and looking for an argument. Show her what she gets for it.

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2019 19:46

What has she said now?

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 19:50

What did she say?

To be honest I would take the first text as her not wanting to have some charge of your child, and would say, “No problem, MIL. No need for you to have DC if you don’t want to - we’re fine as we are and the suggestion was for you, not us. See you.”

supersop60 · 12/06/2019 19:51

What's the latest text?
I can't tell from your first post if your MIL doesn't want the baby on Saturday at all, or if she would like to have longer.

SunniDay · 12/06/2019 19:52

I think despite saying that she wants to look after your little one she actually doesn't want to.

I agree with other posters just say something like "no problem. We can't do other times this weekend but let me know when is good for you going forward". And then just leave it. She probably won't offer a specific time going forward just airy fairy "I would like to have darling child" and again just respond "yes sure - let me know when". I don't think she'll actually bother and that might be no bad thing. She can still have a relationship with your child when you all get together.

fedup21 · 12/06/2019 19:53

She’s text you again? What did she say?

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 19:58

I think the OP means that the text said "anything to say about it"? As in why haven't you responded to my text?

TabbyMumz · 12/06/2019 19:59

She said "Anything say about it"?

Spiderhands · 12/06/2019 20:00

I think OP means that the second text actually said "Anything to say about it ?"

How rude!

QueenofallIsee · 12/06/2019 20:03

Get your husband to deal with it- she is after a row I’d say

BlueJava · 12/06/2019 20:05

I'd reply "No worries! Enjoy your lie in" and not ask her again.

Ellybellyboo · 12/06/2019 20:05

We had similar issues with MiL when our daughters were born

I came to the conclusion that she wasn’t actually that interested in having a relationship with the girls, but felt that she should

So, she’d piss and moan about never being allowed to see them or not being allowed to babysit to anyone who would listen, but whenever we tried to suggest something she’d be too busy going to the garden centre, or doing the supermarket shop

In the end we just gave up. If she asked and it was convenient then cool, if we were busy or couldn’t accommodate it then no.

She’s still like it now, my girls are 17 and 14 and don’t really know her and she wonders why she doesn’t have a close chummy relationship with them like they have with my mum and dad

Atalune · 12/06/2019 20:06

She’s spiking for a fight! Disengage, get DH to deal with it.

TabbyMumz · 12/06/2019 20:06

I think I either wouldn't respond to that or I would say "sorry, I must have misunderstood, I thought you were keen to have her own your own occasionally". I will get dh to give you a ring, speak soon.."

TabbyMumz · 12/06/2019 20:06

I think I either wouldn't respond to that or I would say "sorry, I must have misunderstood, I thought you were keen to have her own your own occasionally". I will get dh to give you a ring, speak soon.."

Ellybellyboo · 12/06/2019 20:08

Sorry, posted too soon

I’d just reply with something like ‘no worries, maybe another time’ and then step back from offering

Ellybellyboo · 12/06/2019 20:08

Sorry, posted too soon

I’d just reply with something like ‘no worries, maybe another time’ and then step back from offering

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