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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me BU or MIL?

86 replies

Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 16:59

Relationship with MIL been somewhat strained since arrival of baby, but not particularly awful.
She hasn’t had much involvement, she calls round occasionally but that’s about it.
Recently she’s asked to start watching her on her own which I was fine with- so I initiated this on her day off just for an hour or so while little one got more familiar- been glued to me since birth to be honest!
So upto now its only happened the once, I’ve suggested other times but MIL cannot do these due to things like having to go to the supermarket and general things like that. Which is fine it’s her life.
I sensed she seemed abit fed up when I last saw her so I text asking if she wanted baby on Saturday morning for a few hours- we have plans on Saturday afternoon and father’s day is Sunday so to be honest Saturday morning only time that suits!
She asked what time and I replied
‘ any time that suits you as we will probably collect her about 12pm as we’re out in the afternoon’
Her response was-

This really isn't what I want, or expected, I don't think your being very considerate, you knew when you have stayed at mine, I don't get up on till around 10am, it may sound lazy to you but that's how I am now

I havnt replied .. I’m not sure what to say?
That’s completely fine if she doesn’t want to get up.. but does she still get to moan?
I obviously don’t want this to escalate but unsure what to say or do.
Obviously we’ve never been offered any help with baby which again completely her call. But I’d like to think she’d see her because it would benefit our baby and also help us- rather than just suiting her ?
am I being unreasonable just saying the morning ?

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 12/06/2019 20:10

I would just message back 'that's a shame. Unfortunately we have plans the rest of the weekend'. Then ignore and dont bother trying to offer times again. If she wants to arrange a visit she can out the effort in to suggest a time that works for everyone. MIL is obsessed with sleeping in like she gets a medal for waking up past 9am. She actually had the cheek to tell my 9 month old that she 8am would suit better to wake up when she sleeps 6/6:30 - 6:00 ish.

Ellybellyboo · 12/06/2019 20:11

Sorry, posted too soon

I’d just reply with something like ‘no worries, maybe another time’ and then step back from offering

fricken · 12/06/2019 20:18

Ohh she wants you to bite. Don't give her any ammunition op, just reply a breezy "sorry busy day, no worries at all. Have a lovely weekend x" I'd be inclined to add a final fuck you in the form of a 😘

hammeringinmyhead · 12/06/2019 20:19

If you have suggested a few times then I would make this the last one and say "Never mind, we'll arrange another day." Then wait a while.

hammeringinmyhead · 12/06/2019 20:33

If you have suggested a few times then I would make this the last one and say "Never mind, we'll arrange another day." Then wait a while.

Strawberry2017 · 12/06/2019 20:33

How rude, I wouldn't try again, let her come to you.
I'd keep your reply short and don't address her points. She doesn't deserve any sort of engagement in her rude behaviour x

TabbyMumz · 12/06/2019 20:36

I think she got bored with it after the first time and doesnt really want to do it again. I would stop offering.

GabsAlot · 12/06/2019 20:38

Ignore her her own son isnt bothered nor should you be-kids grow up without gps all the time

GabsAlot · 12/06/2019 20:42

Ignore her her own son isnt bothered nor should you be-kids grow up without gps all the time

TulipsTulipsTulips · 12/06/2019 20:48

She doesn’t sound very nice at all. I’d just reply to say something vague along the lines that you hadn’t meant to be inconsiderate and it sounds like Saturday won’t work after all. Then just leave it and don’t offer again

TulipsTulipsTulips · 12/06/2019 20:48

She doesn’t sound very nice at all. I’d just reply to say some vague along the lines that you hadn’t meant to be inconsiderate and it sounds like Saturday won’t work at all. Then just leave it and don’t offer again

Meccacos · 12/06/2019 21:02

Seriously? Not what she expected??

She asked for alone time. You’ve facilitated. Don’t ask her again.

I don’t think I would even respond. Or maybe I would and simply say “not a problem - have a great weekend”.

She’s wanting a fight. Don’t engage.

I like sleeping in - but I get up early for my niece.

She is being massively unreasonable.

Meccacos · 12/06/2019 21:03

And from reading the other comments - don’t placate her and apologise!!! That is terrible terrible advice!!

Meccacos · 12/06/2019 21:04

@fricken

perfect response!! 😝

chuttypicks · 12/06/2019 21:05

I’d just reply with something like ‘no worries, maybe another time’ and then step back from offering.

^
Definitely this

Original poster
Pippin86 · 12/06/2019 21:29

I replied saying -

It’s fine sorry we’re so manic rest of the weekend ! Will see you another time x

She didn’t reply to me but then DH received a text saying -

‘ Has let you know I won’t be seeing * this weekend ‘

He hasn’t replied, I’m pretty sure she does want a bite now but unfortunately for her I hate conflict and refuse to rise Grin

OP posts:
gingerpaleandproud · 12/06/2019 21:36

Your reply is perfect. Just let your husband deal with her from now on.

Looneytune253 · 12/06/2019 21:42

Tell him just to reply back 'yes she did, it's such a shame the time didn't suit you, we are jam packed all weekend'

pictish · 12/06/2019 21:43

Good reply. Your dh can sort this nonsense out with his mum now.

Chocmallows · 12/06/2019 21:54

Absolutely don't bite. Every time you are due to reply take a moment to consider how to disengage rather than engage. Take the adult approach and she will have to meet it or constantly be a stroppy child.

I would love to get up 10am, but work and kids means 7am. I am sure she could get up earlier for GC if she wanted to.

tempester28 · 12/06/2019 22:21

Just say " no of course your not lazy - let's do it another weekend"

Even if you think as I would that if she really wanted to see her grandchild she would get herself out of bed a bit earlier!

RestingBitchFaced · 13/06/2019 08:30

I would stop offering, she sounds too much like hard work, and quite nasty and manipulative too

fedup21 · 13/06/2019 08:37

‘Has*let you know I won’t be seeing this weekend

Is there a word missing there?

Should it be seeing-:

Me
You
dc
?

MarthasGinYard · 13/06/2019 08:42

'I sensed she seemed abit fed up when I last saw her so I text asking if she wanted baby on Saturday morning for a few hours- we have plans on Saturday afternoon and father’s day is Sunday so to be honest Saturday morning only time that suits! '

So if you think she seems a 'bit fed up' why on earth do you think she'd want to look after the baby all alone.

And also 'anytime' but we will pick up at 12 is very specific really.

To suit you not her.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/06/2019 08:57

He should reply “yes, no worries!”

And you should just leave her to get on with it

I’d also continue as you are...that way you can’t be accused of anything and she. Ant pick a fight
offer some slots 2-3 per week that suit you and every time say “happy to grab a coffee and supervise DC or let you have some 1 on 1. Let me know what’s you prefer and no worries if its not convenient we will see you soon! Smile”