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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do?

98 replies

giantnannyknickers · 12/06/2019 14:01

Ex has decided to stop paying maintenance for his kids. We have a maintenance agreement so he's legally bound so I'm forced to yet again take legal action against him. Would you stop him from seeing the kids as a result? My gut is telling me this only hurts the kids. So I haven't actually done this.

But He's also stopped picking them up which means I've a 30 minute round trip to facilitate visitation. It's shitting me that he's not paying anything, it's costing me money on petrol and he's still getting to play happy families with the kids despite his actions.

What would you do?

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/06/2019 14:04

What are his reasons for stopping payment and stopping collecting the DC?

My gut feeling would be that I wouldn’t be going out of my way to assist contact. It would, though, depend on many other factors including how much the DC wanted to see ex.

I hope you resolve things quickly.

Pootles34 · 12/06/2019 14:06

I would tell him to pick them up himself, then see what happens from there. Do you think he would just not see them if that were the case? As Matilda says, do they want to see him? How old are they?

MyOpinionIsValid · 12/06/2019 14:07

I wouldnt stop him seeing them BUT I wouldnt be doing all the transport.

Why has he stopped ? Is he unemployed?

BlueMerchant · 12/06/2019 14:09

You are being very fair allowing him to see them while he's stopped the maintenance.
He needs to be the one facilitating the contact. Don't drive them to his door any longer. If he wants to see them he can, just not by using you as taxi driver.

Littleduckeggblue · 12/06/2019 14:09

I agree with others. Don't stop them from seeing him but stop doing the drop off's and pick up's.

MaiaRindell · 12/06/2019 14:34

I think both support and access are agreed separately so one can't legally impact the other. So if he stopped seeing the kids he would legally have to pay for them and if he doesn't pay he can legally still see them. I think. I might be wrong. Either way, don't be as bad as him.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 14:37

Yeah agree with everyone else, I wouldn't use access as a weapon but I wouldn't be dropping the kids to him either

LaurieFairyCake · 12/06/2019 14:46

I would just stick to the facts

"I'm unable to continue to afford to drop off and pick the kids up as you've stopped paying maintenance".

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 12/06/2019 14:46

He's said he's no money, but he's been to Bali and France and just got engaged! All within the past 3 months!!! He runs his own business but can easily hide earnings in his partners bank account which is what he will no doubt do to pay a reduced amount of child all support. Turnover last year was 1.3 million.

Also if I don't pick the kids up he won't return them full stop, I know because he's already done this to me, the kids are 2 and 11 months. Too young to fully understand what's happening and they love their dad.

OP posts:
Namechangeishard · 12/06/2019 14:49

Also if I don't pick the kids up he won't return them full stop

So get him to pick them up from you when he is seeing them and then you pick them up from his to bring them home. At least that way you aren’t doing both journeys.

Original poster
giantnannyknickers · 12/06/2019 14:57

@Namechangeishard yes I'm currently picking them up but it's a 30 minute round trip 4 times a week so costs a bit on petrol. I just don't understand why I've to pay the expense of facilitating visitation when he's not paying maintenance

OP posts:
Nearlythere1 · 12/06/2019 15:11

There's nothing to understand about it OP. You don't have to pay the expense.

Singlenotsingle · 12/06/2019 15:14

Four times a week? Ridiculous! How have you got time for that? And it's a serious disruption to the dcs' routine. I might do it once a week but no more Shock

Grumpos · 12/06/2019 15:15

He cannot “not” return them if it’s in the contact order.
I mean technically he can but he’s in breech.
Every time he refuses to return them take a note of the details and you will be able to apply for the order to be enforced. Which may just end up in him being told off, but it does show you are not willing to sit and take his crap. With your kids ages you are in
It for the long haul so if you’ve gotta go via orders and breeches and enforcement orders to get it sorted then may as well get logging the details now.

Agree it is highly unfair how they hide income through self employed status.
Other than appealing to his better nature ie. a honest and frank conversation about you needing financial help I’m not sure there is much you can do if he’s fiddling the books.
Legal avenue maybe? But that’s expensive and if he’s got a good accountant may not get you anywhere.
Sorry you’re having to deal with this, in the mean time I’d be likely to do as others have said - you’re welcome to maintain contact but I cannot afford the petrol to bring them to you right now.

Gamble66 · 12/06/2019 15:15

Don't drop them off - apply for a residence order asap so if he does pick them up you have recourse.
Take him to court for maintenance

Grumpos · 12/06/2019 15:18

Oh hang on, you’ve said maintenance order but not contact order? What is the legal agreement of visitation? Isn’t there any? If there isn’t then sod taking them 4 times a week! Unlikely any court would put all of the travel expectations on one parent.
He wants a full order, let him pay for it

HollowTalk · 12/06/2019 15:21

Oh god, this man is beyond awful, isn't he? He spends all his money on himself and wants you to drive the children to him, but threatens not to return them if you don't pick them up! He's a disgrace.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 12/06/2019 15:28

Let him take you to court for access. His flakey attitude is showing you where his dc are on his list of priorities op. And cms. He stops contact, better at their ages than when he is married and likely ttc with new dw. He will have less money then and less time...
He is a twunt.
As I am sure you already know.
Wink

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 12/06/2019 15:38

He can afford to go to bali and France but not pay towards his own children. This man is a total piece of shit! I would stop driving your children to see him. What visitation rights does he have? Isn't he in breach if he doesn't return them?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 12/06/2019 15:38

No I wouldn’t stop him seeing the dc as in saying “You can not see them” because I wouldn’t damage my dc by using them that way, just nasty.

I wouldn’t however do the 30 minute trip, he would need to collect. If he turns up to collect them, then of course he can see them but from what you’ve said he won’t bother.....

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/06/2019 15:45

I wouldn't stop them seeing him but I may cut it back if I couldn't afford the petrol to pick them up. I think you need legal advice I'm afraid.

Lllot5 · 12/06/2019 15:49

Some men are such pricks.
I wouldn’t take them if he wants to see them he can come and get them.
Fuck him.

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2019 16:27

No pay, no play
Stop being a mug and driving them over to facilitate this

AryaStarkWolf · 12/06/2019 16:48

why are you picking them up 4 times a week? let him take you to court for proper access actually, something that will suit you and them. I think kids that young don't need so much disruption in their lives

Goodgollymiss · 12/06/2019 17:56

Gosh he works fast if he has 11month baby with you and engaged to another... shitty situation for you and your babies

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