@giantnannyknickers It is the truth. It is so important to focus on any positives that you can find in all this and that positive is you. Your children are so very lucky to have you in their lives and you need to remind yourself just how well you are doing.
Legally you have to stick to the court order. It's awful and totally agree with what others are saying but you will only get yourself into trouble if you go against it. If you think they are at risk of harm then that is a different story but a solicitor will explain all this to you. At the moment you haven't indicated that they are. Obviously we all know that they are going to be emotionally harmed by this and as you have already said it is affecting your eldest. I'm only going on what the courts would say (not my personal views so please, nobody attack me on here!). Whatever has been agreed, you must go along with. Stick to your end and if he breaches then on his head be it. This is why you need to seek legal advice and look at returning to court. What orders exactly are in place?
It is helpful to get a notebook and use this to keep a log of everything. Make a record of times, dates etc of visits that were to go ahead and what happened. This information can then be used by the solicitor if you return to court. It helps to have a record for yourself too just for reference. Also, any verbal abuse. Keep a record of this.
Yes. Child maintenance is completely different.
You are not alone in your way of thinking. The mental damage is so difficult for people to see or to prove. It also lasts many years more than what any physical injury lasts. It's difficult as well for people to really 'get it' too isn't it? He will interpret as he choses for his own gain and quite simply to mess with your mind even more so that you are left even more confused, full of self doubt and lacking the confidence to even begin to challenge what he says. He has already worn you down over all the years of abuse and so having the strength to keep fighting is understandably difficult. But you CAN do it! I have seen it be done many, many times. I just want you to know that. There is hope and this is not how life is destined to be for you.
Forget what HE says. He is full of shit. There is no real other way of putting it.
Knowledge is power. Get yourself legal advice, get researching on other ins and outs of things and you'll see exactly what your rights are and what he can and cannot do. You can take charge of this situation and take back that power and control. Once you're able to do this, he won't be able to hurt you anymore and things will hopefully be better for your children because they are the ones who will suffer if things continue the way they are. It won't happen overnight but it can be done. There is nothing greater then getting to the point where you're able to say f you, your words or actions have no impact on me anymore.
Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? If you contact your local domestic abuse support service they will hopefully run this. You may really benefit from this and the understanding of abuse. Also, knowing you're not alone and that there are so many others that understand. There are not many people I have met who have not found some benefit from it.
I don't know whether it would be worth while seeing your GP about your anxiety. I know it's probably mainly situational but I just feel I have to put that one out there.
Like I say, this is not how things are going to be forever and with a little bit of help you can change it. It might not be easy but just picture yourself x amount of months from now, then a year etc... You get the point! You can do this!!!! Sending you a really big hug 🤗 xx