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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go completely NC with mum friend over her children/parenting?

86 replies

ConfusedButAngry · 12/06/2019 11:26

How many of you have done this?

Seems a shame to lose the adult friendship (kids are 6 and met when they were newborns)

but for the 3rd time my child has now been hurt and scared by her kids, and she doesn't make any actions to try and stop it.

If I'm honest I think she's scared to parent them, I think it's gone on so long that they don't listen to her. I think maybe the eldest has issues, he's a very loud, aggressive, intimidating boy and if he gets told no he just smiles in your face and continues what he's doing, no remorse.

Tried to stamp on my DDs hand yesterday as she was climbing up a ladder to the top of a climbing frame (which he was only up in front of her as saw her climbing and pushed her out the way to climb up first)

Then prevented her going down the slide, then punched her. The sibling then prevented her getting down the ladder so she was in a full on panic.

She has been referred to CAHMS for her anxiety/panic attacks anyway so this of course upset her and me a lot.

I just had to leave the park, DD was upset, I was too upset/angry for her.

The apology I got as a text was "sorry your DD was upset by my DC" which I feel is a bit of a brush off. Of course she was fucking upset.

I just don't see how I move forward with this woman?

On one hand she I think she needs a LOT of help (she does have a DH at home and have a privileged lifestyle) but she won't admit there's a problem, or ask for any help and I can't put my child into those situations.

I just worry about the group as a whole if I go NC with her.

I guess I don't know what I'm asking, I'm just so upset for DD and also feel bad for my "friend" and can't shake or make sense of any of the feelings.

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 12/06/2019 11:32

I wouldn’t feel one bit sorry for your friend. She sounds like a selfish fucker that puts her children’s wants before your child’s NEEDS not to be abused. That text is clearly saying that your daughter is the one with the problem. She’s saying that your child is too sensitive. I’d send her a text back saying, “it’s ok, I’ve explained to my daughter that not all children know how to be kind, none of it was her fault and not to worry because she doesn’t have to play with them again”. Then I’d drop her like a ton of bricks. Your child is more important that your friendship with this lazy, feckless woman.

QuiltingNovice · 12/06/2019 11:33

What did you say to him when he tried to stand on your DS's hand or did you ignore it too?

Original poster

ConfusedButAngry · 12/06/2019 11:36

Of course I didn't ignore it - I shouted "NO!" as I saw it coming and was scared he'd do it and she'd fall. He moved his foot last minute.

The mum asked me what he did - I said he tried to stamp on her fingers. Queue standard "you shouldn't do that" in a gentle voice.

Then again when he was telling her she wasn't allowed to slide she told my DD just to ignore him (he's bigger than her and was blocking her way)

I told him to please let her past, he gave me the scary smile and didn't move and the mum said to me that it would only make him worse to tell him no (or something to that affect, I was stressed at this point to be remembering word for word.)

OP posts:

Houseonahill · 12/06/2019 11:37

What S1naidSucks said is perfect

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/06/2019 11:37

I dont think you can in all conscience see them again, it sounds like her son has no boundaries and could end up really hurting her if he pushed her down a slide or something.

You could always just say youd like to see her but without the kids as they dont seem to be getting on and yours doesnt want to be hurt by him again

I'm pretty sure the others in your group will be having similar thoughts so will probably be relieved someone is dealing with it.

Treaclesweet · 12/06/2019 11:40

Please don't inflict this psycho child on your DD again. You would be doing the family a favour if you spelled out why to the mum. Perhaps a wake-up call for her shitty parenting.

BazaarMum · 12/06/2019 11:41

Do you speak to the child when he hurts your kids, if she just stands by? The social pressure of seeing other people react to her child might motivate her.

I doubt you are the only one in your social circle who thinks this. I don’t think you have to cut her out if you like her in general. You can avoid play dates and the kids being together relatively subtly.

The harder thing is to address it directly with your friend and point out the way the kids play have to change. Which might also risk your friendship. Tough.

BenWillbondsPants · 12/06/2019 11:45

Just take a step back. If you don't feel able to speak to her directly about it, just don't meet up again.

You can still have contact with her without her children, but tbh I don't think I would want to she continually allowed her DC to hurt mine.

QuiltingNovice · 12/06/2019 11:47

In that case, then I'd slowly stop meeting them. Next time she suggests it tell her your DD doesn't want to because her DS is mean to her and tried to hurt her. If you want to keep the friendship, you suggest meeting for coffee when the DC are at school.

JammyGem · 12/06/2019 11:47

Another vote for @S1naidSucks message. You have to put your DD first and protect her, because it's clear this woman isn't going to step in to stop her from being hurt.

I mean, he PUNCHED your kid FFS.

Original poster

ConfusedButAngry · 12/06/2019 11:49

Bazaar, yes I do. But seriously he seems to like being told off. Doesn't stop him doing anything, spurs him on. it's scary. Which is why i do feel for the woman.

Also it's awkward to shout at her kids as I do what I can to not see them often. Suits me to keep DD away from them due to the stress it causes her. We hadn't planned to meet, they were in the park when we arrived as DD asked to go after we'd done some shopping.

So I feel like the few times a year I do see them I don;t want to be telling them off the whole time, makes me feel a huge bitch.

OP posts:

spugzbunny · 12/06/2019 11:51

How good friends are you with her? Will you really miss the friendship? It doesn't sound like your DD would to be honest.

Personally I'd slowly phase it out

woollyheart · 12/06/2019 11:52

You are right - you can't put your child in this situation.

You have to be honest about it - you and your child just aren't enjoying these events because she is being attacked and bullied.

Moominfan · 12/06/2019 11:53

S1naidSucks reply is perfect

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 11:54

I would drop the friendship. I cannot STAND people who allow their children to bully and intimidate other children.

Longtalljosie · 12/06/2019 11:55

I think you have to stop seeing them, and can do her a massive favour by being completely frank as to why:

“I’ve told DD she doesn’t need to see X ever again. I’m quite happy to meet up with you in the evenings. But you seem frightened of saying no to X and that is making him quite dangerous to be around. Perhaps talk to your health visitor? I’m sure this message will make you angry but I would be doing you no favours by pretending this wasn’t serious”

Booboostwo · 12/06/2019 11:55

Of course you should not see the friend with the DCs anymore, but also stop exaggerating. The DC doesn’t have a ‘scary smile’ of defiance, nor is there something wrong with him. He is a badly behaved little boy who is not having his behaviour addressed by his parents. Of course he likes being told off, it’s attention and all attention is good at that age.

spugzbunny · 12/06/2019 11:57

Ooo it's a tricky one if you just randomly bump in to her though. I'm to chicken to ignore people or confront so I'd probably just end up playing for a while and making sure I kept a close eye on the tiny budding psychos

Gatehouse77 · 12/06/2019 11:57

I've backed away from people who's parenting style choice conflict with mine. One, when I was a nanny, let her charges use any language (as did the parents)so I said we'd not mix the kids unless that changed. Given their 9 year old was telling my 6 year old what a blow-job was it wasn't a hysterical response!

Another time was someone who went waaay OTT on stranger danger. We distanced ourselves.

Anyone who couldn't stop their own children hurting mine would get the same reaction.

If you like her and want to be her friend, stick to evenings and adult social events.

woollyheart · 12/06/2019 11:57

The child has learned that he can ignore people telling him to stop.

Probably the only effective way of dealing with these situations is for her to start taking him home immediately that he starts bullying. But it doesn't sound as if she wants to go that.

RosemaryRemember · 12/06/2019 11:58

I would decline any meetups involving the children, if she pushed it I'd say they obviously don't get on together so why would you force them together.

Long term I never think it's a great idea to send pointed messages and the like if you think you will carry on living in the same community : ten years down the line life will look very different.

sunshinejourney · 12/06/2019 11:58

I've dropped a close friend because of this, but I let it go on far too long. Her eldest punched mine in the head regularly, kicked my other child in the face. Her younger one cruelly verbally bullied one of mine for ages before my DC told me about it.

I hugely regret going along with it, essentially, to keep the peace. It was a mistake I would not repeat, and I have no regrets about never seeing her or her violent children ever again.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 11:59

If pushed, I’d just say my DD finds the children too rough and is scared. No parenting advice. That’s her problem.

BlingLoving · 12/06/2019 12:01

I think Rosemary has it right. Just avoid meet ups, and if pushed, you don't need to go on a rant about her terrible children but just point out the kids don't get on. If you like her as a person, suggest you meet up separately without the kids for a night out or whatever instead.

LazyLizzy · 12/06/2019 12:02

I’d send her a text back saying, “it’s ok, I’ve explained to my daughter that not all children know how to be kind, none of it was her fault and not to worry because she doesn’t have to play with them again”. Then I’d drop her like a ton of bricks.

Totally this. She needs to know her lack of parenting has consequences.

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