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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go completely NC with mum friend over her children/parenting?

86 replies

ConfusedButAngry · 12/06/2019 11:26

How many of you have done this?

Seems a shame to lose the adult friendship (kids are 6 and met when they were newborns)

but for the 3rd time my child has now been hurt and scared by her kids, and she doesn't make any actions to try and stop it.

If I'm honest I think she's scared to parent them, I think it's gone on so long that they don't listen to her. I think maybe the eldest has issues, he's a very loud, aggressive, intimidating boy and if he gets told no he just smiles in your face and continues what he's doing, no remorse.

Tried to stamp on my DDs hand yesterday as she was climbing up a ladder to the top of a climbing frame (which he was only up in front of her as saw her climbing and pushed her out the way to climb up first)

Then prevented her going down the slide, then punched her. The sibling then prevented her getting down the ladder so she was in a full on panic.

She has been referred to CAHMS for her anxiety/panic attacks anyway so this of course upset her and me a lot.

I just had to leave the park, DD was upset, I was too upset/angry for her.

The apology I got as a text was "sorry your DD was upset by my DC" which I feel is a bit of a brush off. Of course she was fucking upset.

I just don't see how I move forward with this woman?

On one hand she I think she needs a LOT of help (she does have a DH at home and have a privileged lifestyle) but she won't admit there's a problem, or ask for any help and I can't put my child into those situations.

I just worry about the group as a whole if I go NC with her.

I guess I don't know what I'm asking, I'm just so upset for DD and also feel bad for my "friend" and can't shake or make sense of any of the feelings.

OP posts:
RosemaryRemember · 12/06/2019 12:04

I don't give people the labels for my kids like scared or not able to cope with tougher kids (non resilient is a new catchphrase.)

I just say they obviously don't get on then everyone can put their own spin on it tbf.

Nanny0gg · 12/06/2019 12:10

Absolutely keep your DD away but can you see the woman on your own?
Go out in the evening rather than the day?

MaiaRindell · 12/06/2019 12:11

I went NC with a friend after her 10 yo DD tried to put a carrier bag over my toddler's head and she laughed it off.

MzHz · 12/06/2019 12:12

That message is absolutely perfect

Send it OP and don’t give her or her dc a second thought

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 12/06/2019 12:12

If pushed, I’d just say my DD finds the children too rough and is scared. No parenting advice. That’s her problem.

I agree with this one. Maybe something like:

"I think it might be better if we meet up without the DC for a while; DD isn't happy with rough play and is frankly a bit scared of . I'm sure you understand. Thanks"

She'll be upset, of course, but what else can you do?

merrygoround51 · 12/06/2019 12:14

I wouldnt go no contact but I would limit my interactions with her to coffee without kids etc

Stripyhoglets · 12/06/2019 12:16

I would be honest in future and say you can't meet up with the children at the moment and you appreciate she may be having difficulty with discipline strategies for her son but at the moment its not working for your children to meet up.

BenWillbondsPants · 12/06/2019 12:16

The thing is, I don't think I would want to be friends with someone who allowed their children to hurt mine. Why would you?

Not getting on is one thing, but punching in the face is quite another.

Waveysnail · 12/06/2019 12:16

Just meet her for coffee when kids are in school

Sissy79 · 12/06/2019 12:16

I think you’ve already been very patient. When there has been a child like this in the softplay who was actively targeting other kids to hurt them, and the parent is just shrugging their shoulders and looking meek, I openly say loudly and firmly “stop it right now”, and then say to the mom, “you better take him out if he can’t stop purposely kicking children in the face”.

Sometimes the parents need to be parented themselves.

JonSnowsFurCoat · 12/06/2019 12:17

Definitely step away. You don’t even need to do it slowly, just send her the message S1naidSucks said. You need to make it clear that you’re dropping her because of her kids. Whatever her issues may be, your duty is to your child and if her kids are physically hurting her, you need to stop all contact. That’s just not on.

corythatwas · 12/06/2019 12:17

Rosemary's suggestion seems very good to me. I would avoid mentally labelling this little boy as odd or scary: quite likely he is just a scared little boy whose life is made insecure by not getting the guidance and boundaries he needs. I have seen the "scary smile" on children's faces before and it is almost invariably a sign of inner insecurity.

You obviously need to think of your dd so I would make sure she doesn't have to play with this boy again, but I would also send the neutral message Rosemary suggests. You never know, things may change with your friend, she may find a different way of parenting, her ds may grow up into a totally different older boy, he and your dd may meet again in a different context when they are older, and harsh things spoken (particularly if justified) have a tendency to live and fester.

Ds had a friend whom we had to cut down contact with because he and his little brother were always fighting physically and breaking ds' things and he hated it. I kept it as low key as possible as his mother was a good friend. The result is that we were able to stay friends and the boys have been able to meet as near-adults in a semi-professional setting without any uncomfortable memories.

RosemaryRemember · 12/06/2019 12:19

There are some parents who are overwhelmed by a pushy child rather than callous iyswim.

Sometimes they are nice one to one.

Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2019 12:20

Agree with S1naidSucks. Excellent advice.

IF you fried comes to you for advice I would suggest a parenting course for her. And if her son behaves in a really aggressive way to others (stamping on fingers to me is really aggressive), I would suggest she seeks some help.

You do not need to go no contact with her. You can be polite in groups where she is present but you don't need to expose your child to her child, or her opinions and you don't need to do anything just the two of you.

And if you choose to decline meet ups or play dates with the kids, please do say why 'your child is aggressive to mine and you do not put any penalties in place." And if you want to be really clear, "I cannot risk your child injuring my child. "

Good luck.

Jbonesmumma1 · 12/06/2019 12:21

Your poor DD! I'm not surprised you are angry. I would just gently let it fizzle out. If she pushes then explain that her DS is too rough for your DD. She should understand. If she doesn't then it isn't feasible for you to carry on the friendship anyway, so cut your losses! Sorry OP, hope your okay xxx

BogstandardBelle · 12/06/2019 12:22

I have a friend like this. When we met up with our children, mine (who are not perfect angels) spent most of the time staring open-mouthed at the levels of agression and violence that hers were allowed to get away with.l, towards her and to each other. At one point, when her 7yr-old had roughly pushed his 1yr-old toddling sister over really hard, for the third time, my own 10 yr-old went over and shoved him to the ground and asked him how he liked it ;-) I told him off, of course, but was secretly air punching him ;-) She is utterly ineffectual when it comes to discipline.

Anyway, since then we only meet up without the children. She has a feckless DH, feral kids and an unsupportive family so I try to support her one-to-one.

Sissy79 · 12/06/2019 12:22

And that’s understandable Rosemary, but my kids aren’t collateral.

I would avoid and if you see her in the street, have a standard excuse ready to rush off.

Reallybadidea · 12/06/2019 12:24

I think it's totally fair enough to protect your child and stop meeting up with the children. Whether you kill the friendship off completely depends on how much you value her as a friend, I guess. You could suggest that as the kids don't seem to be getting along, that it would be better to meet up without them for the time being. Alternatively you could tell her the unvarnished truth, that you think her son is a bully. Be prepared to lose the friendship if you do that. And be prepared for her having some views on your parenting too - judgement works both ways! And by the sounds of it, the whole group dynamic may be difficult then.

Thing is, kids grow up and change. Her son might grow out of it in a year or two and then you'll have lost a friendship, perhaps needlessly.

Italiangreyhound · 12/06/2019 12:25

Friend not fried!

You do not need to 'label' anyone, her child as bad or your child as timid. But you can label behaviour as aggressive or dangerous or not appropriate.

Plus. if you want coffee just with her, then go for it. She sounds like she needs an honest friend. I have friends whose kids have behaved like this, and my kids can be naughty too, so no judgement for her as a person but you absolutely can make judgments about what is safe or appropriate to expose your kids to.

It is not your responsibility to be that friend, but coffee with just her and honest, kind, talk may be what she needs.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/06/2019 12:29

I have a few friends like this, and I keep it under control so far by only meeting up where I am present, and bellowing where necessary. The children are not as bad as your friend's DC, and do back down when I tell them they are not going to behave that way around me.

But in one case I am going to have to stop seeing them, because the mother always frames her DC's misbehaviour in such a way that it is my DC's fault for being oversensitive (to being walloped) or not sharing (his ice cream, after his friend has finished his) etc. She does this not just to me, but to her DC. From the text message you received, I wonder if there is a bit of that going on in your case too?

NewFoneWhoDis · 12/06/2019 12:30

I had this with a neighbour's kid. I just told her straight that DS just didn't want to play any more with her DS because he's afraid of getting hurt, and that maybe the boys could take a break from each other for a while and we could revisit it over my dead body when they were a little older.

She got the hump but fuck her tbh. She never apologised or reprimanded her own DS when he was whacking mine and didn't like it when I stepped in to do it for her.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 12/06/2019 12:31

I’ve ditched shit parents and their horrible offspring before and I’d do it again.

You wouldn’t stay friends with someone who was horrid to you, so why put your child in that position.

RosemaryRemember · 12/06/2019 12:33

I would always protect my children and put them first.

BUT thinking longer term means they are less likely to have on going feuds at school and in your community generally.

Sometimes also they can end up besties with kids who seemed horrible at a younger age! Awkward if you've had words with the parents what seems quite recently to you but is aeons in the past to the youngsters.

ittakes2 · 12/06/2019 12:33

Just tell her the next time she suggests you catch up with the kids your daughter is too afraid of your son after the last time but you would like to catch up as adult only time.

MarthasGinYard · 12/06/2019 12:34

If she's your actual friend see her of an eve or when you can without dc present. Sounds like she has much on her plate. Might need an ear.