To go completely NC with mum friend over her children/parenting?

[ConfusedButAngry]

How many of you have done this?

Seems a shame to lose the adult friendship (kids are 6 and met when they were newborns)

but for the 3rd time my child has now been hurt and scared by her kids, and she doesn't make any actions to try and stop it.

If I'm honest I think she's scared to parent them, I think it's gone on so long that they don't listen to her. I think maybe the eldest has issues, he's a very loud, aggressive, intimidating boy and if he gets told no he just smiles in your face and continues what he's doing, no remorse.

Tried to stamp on my DDs hand yesterday as she was climbing up a ladder to the top of a climbing frame (which he was only up in front of her as saw her climbing and pushed her out the way to climb up first)

Then prevented her going down the slide, then punched her. The sibling then prevented her getting down the ladder so she was in a full on panic.

She has been referred to CAHMS for her anxiety/panic attacks anyway so this of course upset her and me a lot.

I just had to leave the park, DD was upset, I was too upset/angry for her.

The apology I got as a text was "sorry your DD was upset by my DC" which I feel is a bit of a brush off. Of course she was fucking upset.

I just don't see how I move forward with this woman?

On one hand she I think she needs a LOT of help (she does have a DH at home and have a privileged lifestyle) but she won't admit there's a problem, or ask for any help and I can't put my child into those situations.

I just worry about the group as a whole if I go NC with her.

I guess I don't know what I'm asking, I'm just so upset for DD and also feel bad for my "friend" and can't shake or make sense of any of the feelings.

So I feel like the few times a year I do see them I don;t want to be telling them off the whole time, makes me feel a huge bitch.

As you don’t see her very often I can’t see it being an issue for you to decline any invites from her for a while and say that your DD doesn’t want to play with him. If you want to be friends with her, you can do so as adults only.

I would have no qualms about constantly telling off a child that was intentionally trying to hurt my child.

I absolutely tell other kids to stop if the parents aren't getting involved.

Also meant to say that although her DS's behaviour has vastly improved, my DS is still wary of him and has no desire to play with him. Luckily they don't go to the same school so we don't see him much.

Ditch them. Your DDs mental and physical health is more important than your adult friendship.

I had a similar situation although it was manipulation and control that started in primary and went on all through senior school. Started out low level, kids will be kids and escalated to full on bullying so it wasn't until Y10/11 that I saw it for what it was. It has caused my DD, now in her 20s, self esteem issues. I wish I'd seen it earlier so I could have stepped in before the damage was done.

It's not easy when you are friends with the adult but you may find that even your friendship wasn't quite as it seemed. I relalised that my 'friend' was very much a fair weather friend. I was there when she needed me but it wasn't reciprocated when I need some support.

Maybe removing this bully from DD's life will be the turning point with her anxieties.

Parents get away with this because others are wary of tackiling the problem. Tell her your daughter is not playing with her son because he behaves like a thug and she does nothing to prevent it!
If she then refers to 'gentle' parenting, as someone once did when I bawled her child out for constanly bullying our granddaughter at the park, point out that 'gentle' is 6/7 of 'neglect'.

Just because you are friends with her, it doesn't mean your DCs need to be friends or in each other's company.Arrange to catch up with her without the DCs if you want to continue the friendship.

So I feel like the few times a year I do see them I don;t want to be telling them off the whole time, makes me feel a huge bitch.

Your child’s safety and wellbeing are much more important than what anyone thinks of you. You’re her parent and she needs to know that while she’s young you can and will protect her from what would be classed as an assault if the boy was an adult. Bugger what the Mother or anyone else thinks.

I used to have no compunction about firmly telling my friend’s DS off. She used to think saying “no” and setting boundaries damaged a child’s self esteem. I did not subscribe to that school of thought so he regularly got “Absolutely NOT” from me. He tried to stare me out once; it didn’t last long.

I think at this stage you’re going to have to be honest if she suggests another meet up with the children. “I would love to get together but at the moment I think it’s best if it’s just us.” If she pushes it you’ll just have to bite the bullet and say that your dd is scared of her ds because he hurts her so until he grows out of it you think it’s best to keep them apart.

She can choose to take offence or she can get some help and support. Her choice.

What @S1naidSucks said

Ds 5 had a friend hed known from playgroup a bit like this.They are at school together now but there are no play dates.I still speak to the mother but she knows I dont let him see her dd out of school due to her dd behaviour towards him.

I think your reply was great, low key but letting your friend know that it's not all okay and your DD was upset. I would definitely avoid play dates with her DC, as you don't want your DD to think that it's okay for her DS to bully her.

I suspect you're right, that the DS has issues with aggression. But so has my DD1 (now 10). It's not an excuse for poor parenting. If she misbehaves, there are consequences that we stick to. There's no excuse for poor parenting; the boy's mum should have removed him from the playground if he was bullying the other kids. He's not going to learn acceptable behaviour if she doesn't give him consequences.

Yanbu and I know exactly how you feel regarding 'letting your DD down'. We had a similar situation but with a family DN. We spent a lot of time putting DS through family events which were utterly miserable for him and unbearably stressful for us for the sake of family peace. I did my DS a massive disservice by making him spend time with his cousin, I was giving him the message that I was willing to put him in that situation. I still beat myself up I didn't have the balls to end it sooner. Me and DH still have contact with DN as he is just a child and we love him but don't allow DS as it's not safe or enjoyable. We were very honest in the end and told Sil that DS did not like visiting due to DN behaviour and that it was too stressful and we were worried he'd get hurt.
It's good that you've decided not to let your DD and her children have contact, it shows your reply DD that she can trust you, that you have her back and that you acknowledge her feelings and she doesn't just have to put up with it.
As for the mum, I don't think I would stay in contact. It would be different if she was aware or apologetic about her Ds behaviour or concerned but she isn't.