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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/06/2019 21:52

Condoms don't just protect against pregnancy though. It really is a 1+1 thing with a new relationship.

Unless you both get checked out first.

Spiceupyourlife · 11/06/2019 22:06

🤔

‘Stealthing’ isn’t a one way street! Of course the moment you say that in pile all the ‘feminists’ pushing the ‘impregnation can cause danger to life!’ argument.

Well yes it can, but are we all just conveniently ignoring a women’s responsibility to protect herself. Here we are telling men they should have wrapped their willy in 14 inches of Perspex if they didn’t want a baby but none of that ‘you should have done more’ is ever applied to women.

Why don’t we apply some ‘equality’ and ask women why they neglected to take responsibility for their own contraception? You can’t be ‘stealthed’ if you’re wearing a female condom.... 🤔 equally you’re unlikely to fall pregnant if you’re on any other good contraception. If you rely on a male partner for your contraception then any resulting pregnancy is partially your own fault!

If men CAN NOT hold women responsible for honesty in contraception and there is no legal recompense then it’s should be the same of the opposite.

Sootyandsweep2019 · 11/06/2019 22:07

Seriously can't believe people are calling this rape and advising OP to take it to the police.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 22:14

Do you really not understand why a woman choosing a pregnancy is different to a man choosing one? Really?

But how is this relevant to the OP? he hasn't chosen a pregnancy. He's had it forced upon him by deception.

Pumperthepumper · 11/06/2019 22:17

YOU brought in the comparison with this comment:

Brilliant. I shall be looking out for comments such as this on the next ",I'm pregnant unexpectedly" thread.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 22:19

Seriously can't believe people are calling this rape and advising OP to take it to the police.

Has anyone suggested the police? I've seen people saying get legal advice but has anyone suggested the police?

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 22:23

Pumperthepumper

Yes I did. Meaning the next time a woman posts "oh no, I'm unexpectedly pregnant" how many of these posters will respond that had she been using 2 forms of contraception the pregnancy wouldn't have happened? How many will say " oh, too bad, it's your fault for not being responsible"?

Your comment still makes no sense.

It isn't about a man or a woman choosing pregnancy. This is about a woman removing the choice from the man and tricking him into getting her pregnant. Where's the choice?

Pumperthepumper · 11/06/2019 22:31

You suggested that the responses would be different if a woman posted. I said possibly, but the reason for that was because it’s the woman who has to go through the pregnancy and birth. You obviously agree with that because you’ve contributed nothing else other than wide-eyed ‘I don’t understand what you mean’ posts.

She didn’t remove the choice from him, he still had the two choices (vasecomy, condoms) that were in his control - he didn’t take them. The choice he made was to trust someone he didn’t know rather than making sure as best he could that he couldn’t get her pregnant.

ConcreteUnderpants · 11/06/2019 22:38

people are calling this rape and advising OP to take it to the police.
Has anyone suggested the police? I've seen people saying get legal advice but has anyone suggested the police

Don't be so deliberately obtuse. The point is about calling it rape. Hugely offensive, said more than once and can only have said by complete cunts.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 22:39

Just because women go through pregnancy doesn't give us the right to trick men into getting us pregnant, so no, not wide eyed innocence, I really do not get the point you are making.

She deceived him.

You cannot honestly suggest that a man must have a vasectomy and if he doesn't then it's his fault if a woman lies to him about being on contraception?

He might not want a child now. Doesn't mean he won't ever want another child.

Whether you think he should have used condoms doesn't matter. This woman lied. There is no justifying what she did.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 22:43

The point people were making about rape is in regards to stealthing.

They said that a man removing a condom during sex is classed as rape - is it? I don't know if that is correct, but if it is, then what is it when a woman lies about being on contraception? Because that should be an offence too.

It's a case of consent.

Pumperthepumper · 11/06/2019 22:45

The point I’m making (I think I’ve now said this three times) is that the responses would be different if a woman posted that she found herself with an unwanted pregnancy are because the pregnancy affects her more than the father.

Whether you think he should have used condoms doesn't matter. This woman lied. There is no justifying what she did.

Who is trying to justify it? You asked me why it was different and I explained. She was wrong. He was wrong too. Using condoms DOES matter - he has absolved himself of the responsibility of fathering a child he didn’t want when he could have prevented it.

Pumperthepumper · 11/06/2019 22:47

I don't know if that is correct, but if it is, then what is it when a woman lies about being on contraception? Because that should be an offence too.

I promise it’s not that difficult to understand - one is the woman choosing to put herself through a pregnancy and birth. The other is a man choosing that someone else goes through a pregnancy and birth. Both are wrong. One is more wrong than the other.

bathsh3ba · 11/06/2019 22:50

If she deliberately stopped taking the pill without telling you, then that was deceitful and it's natural to be angry.

However, your mistake was to trust someone you didn't know very well to take responsibility for contraception. If you choose to have sex in a new relationship then you have to take more precautions than usual.

As others have said, you will now need to co-parent with this woman and so you need to try to move past the anger. There is a fetus who didn't ask to be made and who needs you.

Spiceupyourlife · 11/06/2019 22:51

@ConcreteUnderpants

🤔 As somebody who was quite brutally raped (as a teen actually) and has lived with the reprocussions of that (both emotional and physical) for many years.

I feel relatively justified in expressing my belief that IF a man removing a condom (without consent) is treated as rape under UK law, then a woman lying about contraception is also rape!

Just as a man ‘should have worn a condom’ a woman ‘should had worn a female condom or taken other precautions’

Indervidual responsibility for contraception should be genderless. As should informed consent- which is the issue here 🤔

I can only assume you’ve gone through sexual assault yourself which makes you feel quite high and mighty in calling anyone who disagrees with you horrifically vulgar names.

I suggest you consider that you do not speak for everybody who has experienced this and others opinions are just as justified as your own 😬

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/06/2019 23:00

If you are honest in that she deliberately stopped taking the pill in order to get pregnant without your consent then I would take a few days to work out what you want. Do you want this baby?
If you don't then tell her that she is welcome to keep the baby she planned but that you will not support her or have anything to do with the baby.

Spiceupyourlife · 11/06/2019 23:04

Op I’m afraid there’s simply nothing you can do. Rightly or wrongly it’s happened.

I would strongly suggest you remove yourself from the situation. Even if that means cutting contact with the girl. Once the child is here you’ll have to accept that it is not to blame - children are never at fault. So you’ll need to pay CM and I suggest being very clinical and up front about it all.

With two children already I doubt the CM will be very much- maybe run this through the online calculator and send the girl a screen shot of what you’ll be paying.

There is a chance that once she realises that you won’t be continuing a relationship/ she’ll get minimal financial support- she may reconsider her choice to have the baby.

It’s a horrible situation but she’s brought it on herself. Make it clear that you’ll be 100% there for your child but will not be a willing part/ support in her life.

DecomposingComposers · 11/06/2019 23:12

I promise it’s not that difficult to understand - one is the woman choosing to put herself through a pregnancy and birth. The other is a man choosing that someone else goes through a pregnancy and birth. Both are wrong. One is more wrong than the other.

How can a man choose that a woman goes through pregnancy and birth? They can't choose that. And this isn't about a woman choosing to go through pregnancy. This is about a woman forcing a man to become a father and financially support a child.

PavlovaFaith · 11/06/2019 23:16

@Spiceupyourlife totally agree.

If a man removed a condom without the woman's knowledge then that would be treated extremely seriously.

She has done the equivalent.

Lweji · 12/06/2019 02:40

How can a man choose that a woman goes through pregnancy and birth?

He can't. But a man gets a woman pregnant by deceit she has to go through pregnancy and birth or abortion, or even miscarriage. All of which are more serious than what this woman has done, IMO.

In any case, her actions seriously impact two other lives, including her own child. Sad

I do hope, for your sake, that you do take more responsibility over your side of contraception in future, OP.
And that you don't let this child suffer the consequences of their mother's deceit and their dad's carelessness.

malificent7 · 12/06/2019 04:03

Imo you are both as bad as each other. Yes...she was a knob to deceive you....you were also a knob not to insist on condoms. This is the result.

Sandybval · 12/06/2019 04:36

Got to love this forum- its still the man's fault even though the woman deceived him.

BritWifeinUSA · 12/06/2019 05:30

There’s only one method of contraception that’s guaranteed to work - abstinence. Since you rejected that method, you have to accept that pregnancy is a possibility. And STDs.

TheSerenDipitY · 12/06/2019 05:38

sorry this has happened to you, you know all the coulda shoulda woulda, so no need to keep harping on like many of the previous posters have... sorry but she knew what she was doing, trapping you, she knew and planned this or she would have told you to sue condoms, as this is now a forgone conclusion, make sure you get dna testing and your name on the birth certificate if it turns out to be yours and then apply for custody with a view to be 50/50 when the child is of an age where it can be away from his mother... she wants to trap you into paying her a shit ton of money each month,,, well play hard ball back, if she wants to you father her child, then be the fucken father, she wont like that at all

PurpleDaisies · 12/06/2019 06:07

As others have said, you will now need to co-parent with this woman and so you need to try to move past the anger. There is a fetus who didn't ask to be made and who needs you.

No. He needs to plan to fulfil his legal financial obligations towards the child. No one is forcing him to have contact.

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