My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

[imlookingforadvice]

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

I would be concerned that this woman will look for ways to get at the OP via the child if she doesn't get what she wants.

Wouldn't surprise me if she didn't start disrupting contact etc.

I agree with a pp who said try to get 50:50 custody when the child is old enough.

You absolutely DID consent to sex without protection. You didn’t protect yourself as you should have done. The pill can fail. People you barely know can and do tell lies. I can see why you are annoyed but you were very stupid.

No one is forcing him to have contact.

No, but how are financial obligations more important than relationship obligations?

If the tables were turned, she was writing this, explaining how I took the condom off before ejaculating, would she be reading comments such as "well you should have been on the pill"

Not quite the same thing, is it? You don’t get down to it in the heat of the moment and just go, “Got the condom on?” “Erm, yes.” You bring the condoms, or you see them take it out of the wrapper and put it on, you check it’s on properly. Etc. You reasonably think you are protected. You just decided to believe someone you barely knew, and put yourself at risk of STIs. This “I believed WE” were on the pill is just There was no “we” - you were in a short relationship and should have protected yourself.

She has behaved abominably.

To decrease the risk of a pregnancy you should have used condoms. Your choice was unwise.

Parent and pay for your DC.

@Hercule
🤔 absokoutley none of that is relevant in this situation though as that’s not what happened!

She has admitted to having purposely deceived him. So making blanket excuses like ‘Well contraception can fail’ is ridiculous.

The failure rate of good contraception is 0.1%
The chance of a healthy woman on no contraception getting pregnant each cycle is about 20%

🤔 so please stop ignoring the informed consent issue here!

OP consented to sex without a condom. Stupid thing to do if you want to reduce the risk of your partner becoming pregnant.

Spiceupyourlife

It is not an informed consent issue. It is ridiculous to take the word of someone you barely know that they are taking contraception. He consented to unprotected sex. He had no sensible reason, other than her word, to believe he was protected. It’s exactly the same thing as if the male pill came into use and I asked a man if he was on it and he said yes. I can’t start bleating about consent just because I was foolish about my personal protection.

Not that I really believe a word of this anyway. If someone was dishonest enough to do this, they would just say the pill failed.

People tell lies all the time.

“He said he wasn’t married.”

“She said she was eight and a half stone.”

“He said he earned £100k a year.”

“I wouldn’t have had sex if I had known...”

It’s naïveté or stupidity coupled with dishonesty. It’s not rape.

a woman lying about contraception is also rape!

No it isn't, Spiceupyourlife.

Indervidual responsibility for contraception should be genderless. As should informed consent- which is the issue here

He consented to have unprotected sex! He should've taken his own responsibility for contraception.

And as for calling myself high and mighty for saying you are wrong to call this rape, well yes. I am very high and very mighty.

If I were you I'd also try to get her to confess in writing. Text, email etc.
Then you've got something over her if she starts acting out.

You can show the child in the future or you can show other people if she tries to paint you in a bad light.

There are too many scenarios here for anyone to start talking about legalities:

• man asks woman “Are you on the pill?” when they have sex on 6th June 2018. She says yes. They have sex. Six weeks later they have sex again. This time he doesn’t ask. It turns out she is no longer on the pill.

• Married woman finds hormonal contraception isn’t agreeing with her. Husband is reluctant for her to stop taking it and tells her she can’t. She stops anyway and stops having sex with him. She doesn’t tell him she has stopped taking it. After a night out they have a few drinks, have sex and she forgets to tell him.

Etc.

Everyone has a responsibility to sort their own contraception if they don’t want a baby. End of story.

Why is everyone castigating the OP about risking an STI? If he did, then so did the woman here.

What if OP knows that he has an STI and has now infected this woman who knowingly had sex without a condom? Do you think that's just her tough cookies or would you be yelling at the OP about how terrible he was for doing that?

Informed consent means that you have all of the information, including any risks, before agreeing to do something. Clearly the OP thought that the risk of pregnancy was in line with the accepted failure rate if the pill. This wasn't the case so he didn't give informed consent.

If the woman asked the OP if he had any STIs and he said no, knowing full well that he did, and they then had unprotected sex would you say that she had given informed consent?

Well we ought to give a big round of applause to the OP, he’s sounded the poor menz klaxon and the MRAs have just come running.

@ConcreteUnderpants

IF you deem a man removing a condom without permission as rape- then OF COURSE a woman stopping contraception without permission is also rape.

BOTH men and women have contraception options available to them. CHOOSING to rely on somebody else for your own protection is ridiculous regardless of gender!

Is the point that I was making- but you conveniently ignored.

Why does removal of a condom = rape? When the woman could easily have worn a female condom or taken other precautions.... or practises abstinence or had her tubes tied.

Consenting to sex APPARENTLY means consenting to the chance of becoming pregnant - so why does this not apply to women as it does men?

Nope sorry- if he removes a condom... clearly you should just not have trusted him and taken your own precautions! It’s your own fault!

🙄 Doesn’t sounds as richeous when it’s applied the other way around does it?

Only three months in and you ditched the condoms which protect against STI and pregnancy and took the lazy let the woman deal with contraceptive route?

You trusted this woman and even though you knew you didn't want any more children, stopped using condoms?

Her behaviour is despicable, no doubt about that. I hope you can get past her behaviour and be a father to the child .

Your behaviour was lazy and irresponsible.

And as for the ‘well she has to go through pregnancy or abortion...etc’

Yes but APPARENTLY she consented to the chance of this when she agreed to have sex!!!

Also, let’s stop belittling the impact that having a CHILD has on a mans too.

Sorry but pregnancy isn’t everything - there’s a child at the end of it who the man is as responsible for creating at the woman- but we treat that like it’s just ‘no big deal’?

It’s an offence to inflict pregnancy on a woman but FINE to inflict parental responsibility on a man!

The lack of equality here is ridiculous.

Perhaps If women didn’t adopt such a ‘holier than though’ attitude to having children. Considering themselves completed blameless and above common decency/ honesty! And we stopped belittling the impact becoming a parent has on men right from the start then we may have a society with less dead beat fathers.

But no we live in a society where women can be as deceitful and irresponsible with their reproductive organs as they like without a stitch of recompense. Men are told it’s their fault for trusting us and that their experience of becoming a parent means nothing in comparison to us and what we want!

🙄🤔

Why is everyone castigating the OP about risking an STI? If he did, then so did the woman here.

Then she is an idiot.

Why does removal of a condom = rape? When the woman could easily have worn a female condom or taken other precautions.... or practises abstinence or had her tubes tied.

Removing a condom means inserting semen into a person's body when they did not consent to this. This also introduces the risk of STI transmission.

While lying about being on the pill is a shitty thing to do, it's not the same as inserting something without consent. The OP allowed and consented for his semen to to be her vagina, but understood the risk of pregnancy to be 2% as opposed to 20%. It's vile but it's not rape.

But no we live in a society where women can be as deceitful and irresponsible with their reproductive organs as they like without a stitch of recompense. Men are told it’s their fault for trusting us and that their experience of becoming a parent means nothing in comparison to us and what we want!

We live in a society where sex can result in pregnancy. People lie. We know this, therefore we need to protect ourselves.

To be in her vagina*

The lack of equality here is ridiculous

(A) equality doesn’t mean exactly the same.
(B) is biology “equal”?

Thank you SerenaOverjoyed, great post.

Yes but APPARENTLY she consented to the chance of this when she agreed to have sex!!!

The sentence you referred to was part of a general discussion as not directly to do with the woman in the OP's case.
Rather, about the difference between men and women tricking the other about contraception.

*Consenting to sex APPARENTLY means consenting to the chance of becoming pregnant - so why does this not apply to women as it does men?

Nope sorry- if he removes a condom... clearly you should just not have trusted him and taken your own precautions! It’s your own fault!*

Because it’s not the same thing. If I see or put a condom on someone’s penis, I have ensured I am protected against pregnancy. I have taken my own precautions against semen being inside my vagina. If the man removes it, he removes a barrier I have put in place. A man who takes a woman’s word for it that she is “on the pill” and 3 months later assumes that is still the case makes an assumption. An assumption is not protection.