My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

[imlookingforadvice]

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

He had three options:

• wear a condom
• don’t ejaculate inside her vagina
• don’t have penetrative sex

Given that men are the ones who cause pregnancy to happen (without their sperm, pregnancy would not occur, the woman’s cycle would continue) and can’t get pregnant, what other options would there be?

Instead she just tells the OP she jacked in the pill ages ago which will cause an absolute riot and a MN pile on. Why do you think she did that OP?

Huh, yes, it's funny that she had a sudden bout of honesty after months of lying about taking the pill.

OP, you there?

It isnt the same thing if the genders are swapped at all. It IS considered rape if a man says hes wearing a condom and then removes it during sex. And I think you all know why. Men and women arent exactly the same, in order to have equality that does need to be taken into account. Stealthing is considered rape because of the potential physical impact on the woman. She could have a baby growing inside her which could seriously compromise her health and in some cases perhaps even kill her. To point this out is not to be sexist or man hating... it's a fact that a woman stands to be physically harmed by a contraception lie far worse than a man does. That is why the law is how it is.
This is not a justification for women lying about contraception because it's obviously completely immoral whatever gender is doing the lying. But the impact upon a woman does stand to be far worse in any case. Her actual life is on the line from it. It's not equivalent at all. Dont be ridiculous and pretend that it is.
Another angle of this is that if they made women lying about contraception legally a sex crime like stealthing... it would make it even more difficult to get men in general to take financial and moral responsibility for the children they father.... which is still a massive problem for society.

No, what most people are saying is ‘If you don’t want to have a baby with your partner of three months then don’t make contraception 100% their responsibility’

Brilliant. I shall be looking out for comments such as this on the next ",I'm pregnant unexpectedly" thread.

BattenburgIsland

Is stealthiness still illegal if the woman doesn't get pregnant or catch a disease?

If so, how is that case - no pregnancy, no STI - worse than this scenario?

Brilliant. I shall be looking out for comments such as this on the next ",I'm pregnant unexpectedly" thread.

I don’t understand this comment. ‘I’m pregnant unexpectedly’ could mean lots of different things - including contraceptive failure - so I don’t see how that’s relevant to this OP who admits not taking any responsibility himself for his reproductive choices.

Even if she had been using contraception theres still a risk of pregnancy

^^^^^^

Pumperthepumper

Because the unexpectedly pregnant threads are usually because only one form of contraception was used ( so clearly ample opportunity for the posters here to stick the "you should have doubled up" boot in) no contraception at all used ( again, lots of chances to have a go about not using two forms of contraception and what about STIs) or they were using the withdrawal method (more lecturing ).

Except that doesn't happen. The majority of posters would be sympathetic and giving lots of helpful supportive advice. Not victim blaming and refusing to place the blame where it belongs - the person who committed the deception.

Except that doesn't happen

A woman always has another option if she doesn’t want to be pregnant.

A man doesn’t.

That’s biology.

If, for a man, a pregnancy would be a disaster then a condom should always be used. That is the point he gets to make his choice about pregnancy.

Obviously your girlfriend did the most dishonest thing possible and has changed your life forever. I expect she just wanted a baby and never had any intention of aborting it.

I can't imagine there is any future in your relationship after this level of deciept but in terms of what you do, you absolutely should pay child support, and the decent thing to do is to have a role in this child's life,they are yours whatever you think of the mother and will be your children's half sibling.

Not that it helps now, but it is your perogative whether you use a condom, just as it is a woman's perogative to request you to use a condom and to protect herself additionally with using the pill. I don't think it was sensible to start using the pill with someone you'd only be with for a matter of weeks,this is a decision you make much further down the line in a committed long term relationship. So whilst she did a terrible thing, unfortunately you have to accept that your own lack of judgement has ultimately been the reason for this happening.

I don’t think that’s entirely true, not in a new relationship where you’ve not known each other long - most people would point out that no contraception is 100% reliable.

I also think there’s a difference between a woman choosing to get pregnant, accepting that she’ll have to carry the baby and go through the birth, and a man making that choice for her. I don’t think anyone really thinks that a woman choosing a pregnancy without the support of the man is the same as a man choosing a pregnancy without the support of the woman.

The OP only had two options in his control to make as sure as possible that he didn’t impregnate anyone - 1) vasectomy or 2) condoms. He chose neither.

Yanbu channel the anger at her and not the baby. Babies going to need all the help they can get.

I don’t think that’s entirely true, not in a new relationship where you’ve not known each other long - most people would point out that no contraception is 100% reliable.

Do you read these boards?

Yes.

I think the fact you’ve ignored the rest of my post proves you agree with what I’m saying.

OP, can you also start a 'Do you like this Baby Name' thread?

I think the fact you’ve ignored the rest of my post proves you agree with what I’m saying.

Actually, no it doesn't mean that at all. What it does mean is that the rest of your post didn't make much sense in relation to the OP and I couldn't work out what the point was you were trying to make. Sorry.

You can’t see how this:

The OP only had two options in his control to make as sure as possible that he didn’t impregnate anyone - 1) vasectomy or 2) condoms. He chose neither.

...is relevant to the OP?

Lol @sergeilavrov I just PMed OP to suggest Sandra Paul at the same firm!

That last sentence - well it's relevant in a "stick the boot in, shut the door after the horse has bolted" kind of way I suppose.

But what about the paragraph in the middle? How was that relevant?

The bit in the middle is in response to YOUR contribution to the OP, here:

*Brilliant. I shall be looking out for comments such as this on the next ",I'm pregnant unexpectedly" thread.

Do you really not understand why a woman choosing a pregnancy is different to a man choosing one? Really?

She’s sunk about as low as it gets!

The lesson here (although learning it too late but it could happen again) is take responsibility for contraception yourself! Your response when she said she didn’t like using condoms should have been ‘its condoms or no sex’! If you don’t want any more children in the future get a vasectomy! Then nobody can trick you!

And the posters that are suggesting that the OP shoving his unprotected dick into someone who says she is on birth control but isn't is equivalent to rape is appalling.

Absolutely horrific.
Some people have absolutely no idea and really should think before they type such offensive shit.

Firstly, wow, that's a lot of responses. I genuinely didn't expect to receive so many replies and definitely not so quickly!
So thank you all.
Moving on though,
The point of this post was not an attempt to clear myself of any blame. I am and have always been fully aware that sex without protection can cause pregnancy. I'm also aware that sex WITH protection can sometimes cause pregnancy.

I understand the risks involved when having sex using protection and that no form of birth control is 100% effective.
The pill, 99% effective.
A condom, 99% effective.
But to STOP taking it altogether without giving any hint???? That puts it at 0% effective.
Had I known, or she told me then yes i would have been a lot firmer with using a condom or we just stop altogether, but I was being lead to believe we were using the pill, giving us SOME FORM of birth control making it better than NONE at all.

I have always known that if the pill or condom or whatever birth control was being used in a relationship that, should it fail and we became pregnant, I would step up and do the right thing, no question, no arguing, none of this, of course!
But this is different.

I understand why I should have argued the condom but it's upsetting to see how people can shrug their shoulders and easily suggest "you should have worn a condom".
If the tables were turned, she was writing this, explaining how I took the condom off before ejaculating, would she be reading comments such as "well you should have been on the pill"
?

Of course I'm still going to step up and do what I must, but I feel like I've been deceived and needed to A) vent, B) check I wasn't simply being an a**hole for being overly-angry.

Is it too early to say congratulations??!

Happy for you to vent but most people aren't shrugging. Most people are more realistic about human nature and biology I'm afraid, and the need to protect your own sexual health when you have sex with someone you don't know well. Good luck.