My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

[imlookingforadvice]

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

Feminism is treating men and women equally not viewing the woman as always being in the right because the man could have done more. We're fighting against the view that men are right because women could have done more to protect themselves (Don't walk through dark places, leave the abusive relationship straight away)

Shitty thing to do by her, can't believe people are trying to justify it on here.

I can understand why you are annoyed but if you didn't want kids you should have taken responsibility for your own contraception and said "no condoms no sex". You have been betrayed by someone you thought you could trust but fortunately you have no right or say over her body or decisions she makes and yes you will have to pay and yes you will "humanly " cough up for a child that is 50% yours%

OK then -
Man does a Carlos from Desperate Housewives and tampers with the pill packet to "accidentally" get her pregnant.
"It's your own fault, you should have paid more attention to your pill packet and noticed. "
Alrighty then.

No contraception is 100%.

If you have sex, you accept that risk.

@DonkeyHohtay Except you missed the part where he said she stopped taking the contraception and just didn't tell him!?
Therefore, there was no contraception.

It's as bad as a man removing a condom during sex.

She's trapped you. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who does that but it's her body her choice if she keeps the child or not. You have zero say in the matter, and yes, can be made to pay for the maintenance for the next 28 year's.

Totally unfair but really, if you're against having more children you need to take responsibility for your own reproduction.

That goes for all men.

Feminism is treating men and women equally not viewing the woman as always being in the right because the man could have done more

There literally hasn’t been one post on this thread who said she is in the right

So if a woman doesn't want to get pregnant she should be on the pill or have a tubal ligation?

Nope, a woman who doesn’t want to get pregnant should take every step to ensure she doesn’t get pregnant AND THEN put the trust in her partner.

A man who doesn’t want to get his partner pregnant should take every step to ensure he doesn’t get his partner pregnant AND THEN put his trust in his partner.

This is really not difficult to understand.

This would now be considered a case of rape based on the new CPS guidance, and decisions not to prosecute in previous cases have since been overturned and critiqued heavily. It was historically considered assault, but this guidance has now been updated through the principle of conditional consent.

(For information, see Case Update: R (on the application of F) v The Director of Public Prosecutions and “A” [2013] EWHC 945)

The use of a contraceptive pill is, importantly, a 'condition' in this case. The principle is not the effectiveness of the contraception, but rather than the continued use of this was the condition under which intercourse took place for the participant OP. If the defendant had been seen taking the pill over a reasonable amount of time, it would be argued that she had created a visible pattern of behaviour designed to establish trust in her continued engagement in the condition established between partners.

Given the OP claims to have written evidence of her decision to cease upholding this condition without his knowledge, this presents a reasonable case in which it may be determined that she did stop taking the pill, and did so without his knowledge.

I won’t respond further, as this forum seems to have largely become conjecture on the integrity of the OP, but if you see this and you want legal help, I’d recommend contacting Olivia Stiles for some guidance. I do not work for Kingsley Naples, but she would be a good option given her history of criminal litigation and specialisation in family law. She has specific knowledge on conditional consent, and I believe consulted with the CPS on this legislation.

Feminism is treating men and women equally

No it's not. Otherwise feminists would be killing two men a week for 'equality'.

The ‘there’s always a risk, you should have accepted that’ comments directed at men on these threads annoy me. If it was a female poster on here who had fallen pregnant as a result of contraception failure I very much doubt people would be saying “well there’s always a risk, you should have accepted that”, they would (quite rightly) be offering her advice and support about being in the unfortunate position of having a surprise/unwanted pregnancy. You are quite right in that you didn’t agree to sex without prevention against pregnancy, and you have every right to be angry. Unfortunately you can’t do anything now other than wait for her decision.

However as others have said, I have considerably less sympathy for you if you had ditched the condoms without you both having an STI test. There is no excuse for willingly putting your health at risk.

🙄 Here we go again!

I love these threads (it’s only been a few weeks since we last had a chap in the same situation).

You’ll get an avalanche of hate and ‘well you’ll just have to deal with it won’t you’ comments from women who... in the same situation would be accusing their partner of rape and reporting to the police!

🤔 “it’s not the same thing’ - YES IT IS

Deceit is genderless
Blatant lies are genderless
Informed choice is genderless

You only slept with her (without using a condom) because she told you she was taking 99% effective contraception.
Had she told you she had stopped taking it, you would not have had unprotected sex- therefore you did not give informed consent.

If you took a condom off without telling her this would be an ENTIRELY different conversation. Nobody would be shouting ‘you should have worn a female condom’ which is true, any women who ‘cant’ get pregnant should not be relying on a man to use a male condom- yet we still call this assault whilst a man tricked into pregnancy get shrugged shoulders and told to get on with it 🤔

Basically we’re just saying that as women we don’t have to be responsible for ourselves and can wield our reproductive organs like weapons without recompense.

I honestly wish they would prosecute in the UK for wilful reproductive deceit! We don’t live in a society where tricking a partner into pregnancy is acceptable.

If you are the 00.1% failure rate then that is different- but she’s ADMITTING to lying and deceiving you!

There literally hasn’t been one post on this thread who said she is in the right

No but there have been many telling him what he did wrong instead of focusing on the person who was actually in the wrong. If a woman got raped after walking home late at night alone would you focus on the risks she took or the person who raped her.

Basically we’re just saying that as women we don’t have to be responsible for ourselves and can wield our reproductive organs like weapons without recompense.

No, what most people are saying is ‘If you don’t want to have a baby with your partner of three months then don’t make contraception 100% their responsibility’

She's a selfish bitch.

Of course you're NBU to be angry at this woman. Unfortunately though there's not much you can do now except learn from this-insist on using condoms no matter what anyone says,or better still get the snip and accept that you're now tied to this deceitful bitch for life. Bad luck OP.

She should be prosecuted

Is be totally pissed off too.

No idea why women do this as undoubtably they end up as single parents due to resentment caused by their actions and deceit

All you can do is stand by and support as you’ve said you’ll do

If you don't want children, then take responsibility for contraception

She should be prosecuted
Under what law?

No idea why women do this

Well it's a goady post on the internet so there's a reeeeeaaaally good chance this woman is imaginary.

Unfortunately, you have been subject to non-consensual sexual intercourse (rape), which has resulted in pregnancy. You consented to protected sex, and she - without your knowledge - had unprotected sex with you. It's called "stealthing" in common parlance, and it is considered a criminal offence.

No, and no.

Not rape - rape requires a penis.

This is not stealthing, or comparable to stealthing. The closest it could get this way round is

• a woman inserted a femidom but removed it halfway through
• a woman took her pill in front of him but didn’t swallow it

Even then, that couldn’t lead to his pregnancy and the second couldn’t lead to him getting STDs he couldn’t otherwise get, so it’s not comparable.

The McNally case was about a woman pretending to be male, so I have no idea why you think that’s relevant.

He said he was strict about making sure protection was used, except he wasn’t. She stopped taking the pill five weeks beforehand and he had no idea until she told him of the pregnancy. His “being strict” didn’t extend to, say, asking her if she was taking it at any point in five weeks. And even then, the pill isn’t 100% effective, even if you can completely trust the person. There’s also sickness bugs, antibiotics etc that render them useless. If you desperately don’t want another child, wearing a condom is the bare minimum.

Of course she should have informed him. Not doing so was undeniably wrong. But we all need to take responsibility for our own sexual health and fertility. If she doesn’t want condoms, don’t ejaculate in her vagina. It’s quite simple really. I presume she didn’t force him to do so.

I personally think it’s bollocks because
a) there was an almost identical thread very recently
b) there was no reason to even tell him she’d stopped taking the pill, people get pregnant on the pill often
c) quite impressive she conceived literally as soon as she stopped taking, isn’t it?

Laws need to change so men and women are treated equally when a party lies about contraception.

Absolutely, as soon as men can equally get pregnant, we will get right on that.

No but there have been many telling him what he did wrong instead of focusing on the person who was actually in the wrong. If a woman got raped after walking home late at night alone would you focus on the risks she took or the person who raped her.

There are some major false equivalencies on this thread, but this one takes the

What would the reaction be if the guy said hey no worries I got it covered ( hypothetically speaking .. if there was such thing as a male contraceptive pill — i don't know if there is there 1 🙈)

Would the lady still allowed to say I want to abort or give it up for adoption..

I don’t know if I am getting my point out there ..

Unfortunately both of you needed to use protection ..
I so want to open a can of worms but I don’t have the time or want to be blasted by keyboard warriors.

Just let me say a man should have options too especially if he did declare from the on set that he did not want to have a kid or another kid ..

Nothing you can do.

End the relationship with her. She’s s fucking nut job.

Have as much involvement with the child as you deem to be morally acceptable.

And suck up paying CM.