My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

[imlookingforadvice]

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

I haven’t RTFT but, I just want to say, that if a man removed the protection he assured the woman he was using, then he can be prosecuted for rape.

As a woman, I ask, what’s the difference? She’s removed the protection, it wasn’t a failure.

@LimeKiwi

It doesn't make it sound like I think it's OK if you actually took any notice of the rest of the post, obviously that doesn't fit with your narrative so carry on.

Terrible OP. Perhaps now you will be more aware of the fact women can be predators. Keep safe xx

However, I do think that in the early stages of a relationship condoms should ALWAYS be worn, if anything to protect against the risk of STDs.

Condoms should always be worn at all stages of the relationship unless trying for a pregnancy, or until such time as a vasectomy is possible. People can lie at any stage of a relationship. You might be taking a bigger risk with someone you don't know well but you will always be taking some degree of risk. The only way to eliminate the risk is to use condoms.

Tigger365 your answer is in this thread, you’ve several different responses to this exact question to chose from.

But no, it's all the OP's fault because he's lacking in common sense.

Yes to trust almost a stranger with something as important as contraception, os careless and makes me thi k he lacks common sense. Or maybe he just wasn't that bothered about being responsible, oy bothered about getting his end away.
Is it OK what this woman did? Obviously not, but if the OP had been more cautious it may never have happened.
You know men can actually say no to having sex without a condom, and if the woman say she doesn't want to use one the man can just not have sex with her. It really is that easy.

Tigger365

Because the crime of rape isn’t defined by him removing contraception he is using for his own protection and not telling her. The crime of rape is defined by him deliberately ejaculating inside her.

As discussed above, it is neither practical nor a moral obligation for a woman to update a man every time she changes her contraception. He needs to look out for himself.

If she says she's on the pill though, do you ask before every single shag?
Even if it was daily/weekly?
She'd be like "yes, I told you I'm on it, why do you keep asking."

No.....there’s be a condom in play so you wouldn’t need to ask. Fairly simple concept.

She is clearly lacking in the common sense capacity

And the guy who didn’t wear a condom? Not so much with the common sense either.

As discussed above, it is neither practical nor a moral obligation for a woman to update a man every time she changes her contraception. He needs to look out for himself.

Indeed, and this really needs to be drummed into men from a young age. What the woman does is none of his business. No condom, then you are actively trying for a baby, with all the consequences of that, and those consequences will be life changing. No sex is worth that.

Absolutely no one has said this is OK or condoned it in anyway!
And no, it's not rape either. Don't be so insulting.
If in doubt, RTFT.

I'm now thinking limekiwi is OP/contraceptionismyfriend's best mate!

It could reasonably be argued that her deception negates your consent.

A man surreptitiously removing a condom is clearly a violation. I'd say a woman falsely claiming to be on the pill is pretty much the same.

If it was clear that the contraceptive pill was a condition of consent, and if there was intentional deception by the accused, this would almost certainly be considered to be rape/assault.
See conditional consent:
www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-3-consent

Agreed ConcreteUnderpants it's very insulting to refer to this situation as rape.

Dump her
Prepare for being a father of three
Get checked at a sexual health clinic
Always take responsibility for your own health and if your gf dosnt like condoms then fine no sex.
Make it clear to her there will never be a romantic relationship, you will parent your child and be civil but she’s crossed a seriously line.

Could you pin point the part which states that this situation would be classed as assault or rape @MrsBethel? I'm struggling to find it.

Well, legally, the difference is that pregnancy and an STI aren’t the same. Deliberately passing on an STI has a definition in law. Putting yourself at risk of being a father is just... well, stupid.

Well - as a woman, putting yourself at risk of an STI is also stupid, surely?

Funny how contracting an STI, which could have been prevented by insisting your partner wears a condom, is a crime but actively deceiving your partner by telling him you are on the pill, isn't.

I've heard that 'stealthing' (non-consensual taking off of condom whilst having intercourse) is rape, that the person only consented to have intercourse with the condom on. If that is the case, then surely it is the same when she stopped taking the pill without your knowledge, meaning you have been raped as you didn't consent to intercourse without her taking the pill.
Terrible situation when a woman gets herself pregnant on purpose without other parties consent. Good luck with it all, I don't know what the legal course would be from now. But wanted to say sorry this happened, there are some crazy women out there. I wouldn't stay with her after the deceit and rape, truly it has happened. But obviously not your unborn childs fault, so I think you're right to say you will be involved with the child. But I would break up with the woman.

Yes to trust almost a stranger with something as important as contraception, os careless and makes me thi k he lacks common sense.

Why do you have to be so nasty? The OP was deceived. Would you have the same victim blaming mentality if someone was telling you they had fallen prey to a scammer say? Oh it's all their fault, they shouldn't have been so careless giving out their bank details. They're clearly lacking in common sense?

No, most of us would lay the blame at the door of the scammer, not at the door who was victim of the deception.

What this woman did was inexcusable. She was 100% in the wrong for doing it and if her life is hard now, well tough. She's made her bed.

As discussed above, it is neither practical nor a moral obligation for a woman to update a man every time she changes her contraception

Wtf? How is it not practical? How long does it take to say " by the way, I've stopped taking the pill"?

And not a moral obligation? This is precisely what it is. It may not be a crime but it is most certainly immoral.

Funny how contracting an STI, which could have been prevented by insisting your partner wears a condom, is a crime but actively deceiving your partner by telling him you are on the pill, isn't

Contracting a STD isn’t a crime and nobody has said it is.

JacquesHammer

Actually Hercule said exactly that. They said it was GBH

Contracting a STD isn’t a crime

Here we are

I think that is a crime defined in law. GBH

Clearly saying that it is a crime.

Clearly saying that it is a crime

You see that word “clearly”. You’re not using it correctly.

Hercules was referring to infecting someone with and STD being a crime. Not contracting one.

I mean, is someone going to get their rights read for having the clap?

Why do you have to be so nasty? The OP was deceived. Would you have the same victim blaming mentality if someone was telling you they had fallen prey to a scammer say? Oh it's all their fault, they shouldn't have been so careless giving out their bank details. They're clearly lacking in common sense?

OP wasn't conned into having sex, he made the decision to have sex without a condom. In this day and age with all the advice given about not giving your bank details to anyone, yes I would say that would be careless, unless the person wasn't capable of understanding the risks involved for whatever reason. OP understood the risk, just too it anyway.

JacquesHammer

My point being, if a woman chooses to have sex without a condom then why is she not responsible if she contracts an STI? Regardless of whether her partner knew he had it, surely she is responsible for her own health?

If you believe that it's the man's fault if his partner gets pregnant, regardless of what lies she told him, then it must also be the woman's fault if she catches something because she didn't insist on a condom.