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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 15:07

Three months into a “relationship”?

More fool you.

If she says she's on the pill though, do you ask before every single shag?
Even if it was daily/weekly?
She'd be like "yes, I told you I'm on it, why do you keep asking." Smile

LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 15:08

Bold fail top two lines I was quoting.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 15:09

Are you supposed to ask "are you still taking the pill" forever? When does that stop? Months into the relationship, a year or so down the line? Every single time before the deed?
You trust they're doing what they say.

It doesn’t stop from a legal point of view. It’s not a crime not to tell someone you have stopped taking oral contraceptives.

BongoFury · 12/06/2019 15:09

When should you trust a women to be taking the pill?

You should never trust a woman to be taking the pill.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:16

@Contraceptionismyfriend

Making her aware that it's an option to her isn't forcing her into anything.

Im sure she is perfectly aware of the fact she could have an abortion if SHE chooses. What you said was nothing do do with making someone aware of their options.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 12/06/2019 15:19

Wow the sexual assault apologists are out in force on this one, some of you need to get a good hard look at yourselfs but of course you wont because the 'Menz' deserve it right? Hmm

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:20

When should you trust a women to be taking the pill?

Well I certainly wouldn't give sole responsibility of contraception to a man I was having sex with, if most contraception available was for men. I would be making sure I was also taking precautions to prevent a pregnancy. Men are so blasé about contraception until a woman falls pregnant.

BongoFury · 12/06/2019 15:21

Sorry, that looks a little blunt on it's own, but thinking it through, if a man is consenting to pregnancy by not wearing a condom and engaging in PIV, regardless of any agreement between the couple that the pill, or other contraception is being used by the woman then a condom should be used EVERY time there is PIV. There should be no risk taken in trusting a partner with contraception.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:25

Wow the sexual assault apologists are out in force on this one, some of you need to get a good hard look at yourselfs but of course you wont because the 'Menz' deserve it right?

🙄

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 15:27

@Drogosnextwife you're talking like he should give a damn wether or not his words would upset her.

He shouldn't. He can tell her her best option is to abort. What she decides is up to her. She'll do whatever selfish thing she wants. Just like she has this whole time.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:28

You trust they're doing what they say.

You trust someone you have known for 3 months with something as important as contraception? How naive of you.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:29

He can tell her her best option is to abort

No he can't, no one has the right to tell anyone to have an abortion.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:29

Interesting username.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 12/06/2019 15:31

No he can't, no one has the right to tell anyone to have an abortion.

Would he be breaking a law by doing so? If so which law? If no law is being broken 'as PP's have told the OP' then tough shit,

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 15:35

He can tell her whatever he wants. She can do whatever she wants.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 15:35

He really can.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:38

Would he be breaking a law by doing so? If so which law? If no law is being broken 'as PP's have told the OP' then tough shit,

No law against it, but why would you say it unless trying to persuade or bully her into it? Again I'm sure she doesn't need to be told that abortion is an option.

LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 15:40

It doesn’t stop from a legal point of view. It’s not a crime not to tell someone you have stopped taking oral contraceptives

Maybe not a crime legally, but it's utterly repellant to trick someone into becoming a parent.
Can't believe people are actually OK with that. How the hell is it OK just because it's the man?
It's sickening whether it's the man or the woman doing it.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 15:43

I wouldn't assume she knows anything. She is clearly lacking in the common sense capacity.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:44

Sorry where has anyone said it's OK? People have said it's stupid to take the risk after only knowing someone a few months, and the OP should have taken responsibility himself instead of trusting someone he hardly knows. Also there isn't much he can do now, but I haven't read any posts that say what she has done it OK.

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 15:46

Why would you think she is lacking in common sense? She did a good job of "tricking" the OP into believing she was taking the pill, and if she did trick him, she got what she wanted, a pregnancy. I think it might be the OP who's lacking in common sense tbh.

LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 15:50

She did a good job of "tricking" the OP into believing she was taking the pill, and if she did trick him, she got what she wanted, a pregnancy

Well, this kind of attitude implies people are OK with it.
But no, it's all the OP's fault because he's lacking in common sense.
FFS this place is warped sometimes.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 15:52

LimeKiwi

I am not okay with it. If she deliberately lied it’s awful.

Scorpvenus1 · 12/06/2019 15:54

Surely this is entrapment.

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 12/06/2019 15:54

You are totally within your rights to be angry about this. She deceived you. However, I do think that in the early stages of a relationship condoms should ALWAYS be worn, if anything to protect against the risk of STDs. You should have both been tested for STDs and then once you had the negative result THEN made the decision together to stop using them and finding an alternate form of contraception. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be angry but next time I would be super cautious about women taking the pill as it can fail if you take it at the wrong time or miss just one.

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