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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 13:09

No it didn't. He can say look you planned this. Your plan failed. I'm out. Now you know the situation why don't you look at other options like an abortion to see what would work for you.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 13:14

No it didn't. He can say look you planned this. Your plan failed. I'm out. Now you know the situation why don't you look at other options like an abortion to see what would work for you

To which she can say “CMS will be in touch”?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 13:16

And he can laugh. As he has two previous children and CMS is shit.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 13:18

And he can laugh. As he has two previous children and CMS is shit

And yet they work together so I’m pretty sure she has his details to pass on

All for a bare back fuck. One of those times when you really think, was it worth it for the OP?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 13:20

Yea. She should really enjoy her couple of quid a week.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 13:26

DecomposingComposers

Well, legally, the difference is that pregnancy and an STI aren’t the same. Deliberately passing on an STI has a definition in law. Putting yourself at risk of being a father is just... well, stupid.

PeoniesarePink · 12/06/2019 13:26

When you ride bareback, OP, you take your chances.

Joking aside, it seems a bit rough to punish the potential child at the end of this for having a devious mother. Don't make any rash decisions about contact, and see how you feel if and when the baby is born.

SerenaOverjoyed · 12/06/2019 13:38

Contraceptionismyfriend your focus seems to be on the OP getting 'revenge'. This woman did a shit thing but the OP played his part and now there's a third person to think about. Saying "I'm off, you best get an abortion" might help the OP feel he is in control, but is that really the most important thing? Ultimately if she did plan this she is unlikely to be influenced by thinly veiled self-interested 'counsel'.

I get the OP's right to anger and desire to distance himself from this. If this pregnancy does result in a child I hope he'll do the decent thing, in spite of being dealt a hand he didn't want.

Pumperthepumper · 12/06/2019 13:38

Yea. She should really enjoy her couple of quid a week.

I know, it’ll be hilarious when the kid he created needs new shoes and she can’t afford them because he’s paying so little in maintenance 😂😂

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 13:41

DecomposingComposers

And if the ability to make someone a parent does equate to passing on an STI, the OP is just as guilty as she is, isn’t he? Impregnating someone or getting pregnant aren’t crimes.

NCforpoo · 12/06/2019 13:53

I think if there was a male pill the expectation would then be on both parties to take the pill/have contraceptive in place. The decision to have a child then has to be a shared one. It's shit for both men and women that the responsibility sits on women for that.

Back to OP- be angry. I think you have a right to be. But unfortunately you're kind of stuck now with another child. But as PP have said- this doesn't mean you have to stick with the mum, just support your child. You made it even if you didn't intend to. And that could have happened even if she had had been on the pill, or you'd used condoms. (Not judging... I definitely haven't made all the right decisions in my sex life before!)

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 13:56

@SerenaOverjoyed no revenge at all. Just one last communication with her detailing his intentions and then living his life.

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 14:16

Can PP stop perpetuating nonsense?

If the male contraceptive injection pill wasn’t halted because men can’t handle the side effects existed, any woman who came here pregnant saying she trusted a new partner when he said he was on it and didn’t like condoms, she’d be called an idiot.

But I don’t know any women who would trust a man to properly take contraceptives and take no further precaution. Plenty of men seem happy with this, until the woman gets pregnant.

For what, a slightly better sensation during sex?

PetraRabbit · 12/06/2019 14:23

I feel so, so sorry for you. She did something nasty that completely disrespected your right to make your own life choices. It's a despicable, calculated thing to do and it seems like madness to me to say you are 'just as bad' when you were simply naive and trusting. I don't think a man should be obliged to ask his girlfriend if she is still taking the pill every single time they have sex. I think it's completely reasonable to assume that the decision she told you about at the beginning of the relationship (that she would take the pill to protect both of you from unwanted parenthood) hasn't changed unless otherwise stated.
You have been given a really hard time here when in fact you sound like a decent man. You say you would want to be fully involved with any child of yours, even one you never planned. In real life, believe me, a story like yours would get overwhelming sympathy and plenty of outrage on your behalf. The very idea someone could do this to my son or brother appalls me.....

PetraRabbit · 12/06/2019 14:27

I think it is fair to the OP to take into account the culture he's in: in general women take charge of contraceptive choices and he has just unthinkingly gone along with that.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 14:30

when you were simply naive and trusting. I don't think a man should be obliged to ask his girlfriend if she is still taking the pill every single time they have sex. I think it's completely reasonable to assume that the decision she told you about at the beginning of the relationship (that she would take the pill to protect both of you from unwanted parenthood) hasn't changed unless otherwise stated.

Rubbish. He called her his “girlfriend” - there hasn’t been a single suggestion that this was anything other than casual sex. He absolutely needed to check he was protected against unplanned parenthood.

And he is not so naive and trusting that he hasn’t - very quickly - decided that she did it deliberately to get pregnant, rather than because she didn’t like using condoms, like she said.

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 14:34

The very idea someone could do this to my son or brother appalls me.....

My sons will be drilled not to ever put their penis near a woman without a condom on it. To be fair, any males attending school in this country are very well educated on why this is necessary. It’s not a secret.

Of course she should have told him. No one is disputing that. It’s a dreadful thing to do. However, it’s very difficult for most women to comprehend trusting their sexual health and fertility to a virtual stranger taking an unseen measure - and if I did I would be checking every time we had sex, not just assuming they had continued with it.

ConcreteUnderpants · 12/06/2019 14:37

Yea. She should really enjoy her couple of quid a week.

Yes, Contraception. Guffaw guffaw when the mother can't afford to turn the heating on due to the pittance maintenance the OP is paying. Totes hilars

You've got to be the OP. No sane woman can possibly have your twisted views.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 14:49

@ConcreteUnderpants she'd have reaped what she sowed.

Chillijamntuna · 12/06/2019 15:00

What a horrendous betrayal. She SHOULD have told you, how does she expect you to trust her with more minor things if you build a life together.
Think this is one of the worst things a woman can do to a man.
You must be there for this kid though, after all it's the risk you take with any form of contraception when you have sex and he/she deserves a dad.

LimeKiwi · 12/06/2019 15:01

Yes, Contraception. Guffaw guffaw when the mother can't afford to turn the heating on due to the pittance maintenance the OP is paying. Totes hilars

If she deliberately stopped taking the pill without telling the OP though it'd be her stupid fucking fault.
If the OP doesn't want any kids, why should he be essentially tricked into having them?
Are you supposed to ask "are you still taking the pill" forever? When does that stop? Months into the relationship, a year or so down the line? Every single time before the deed?
You trust they're doing what they say.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 15:02

she'd have reaped what she sowed

And what did the innocent kid “sow”? Nothing, it was the TWO adults required to create a pregnancy. Ergo they’re both responsible.

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 15:03

When would you trust a man to be continually taking the pill, reliably and on time?

Two months into a casual relationship? Not a chance in hell.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 15:03

You trust they're doing what they say

Three months into a “relationship”?

More fool you.

A man can always, always protect himself to the best of his ability against situations from failure to deception. Not difficult.

NCforpoo · 12/06/2019 15:04

When should you trust a women to be taking the pill?
If they were both available both could feel reassured they were in control

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