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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
BrightYellowPostItNotes · 12/06/2019 11:38

OP, there's no point in being angry at us lot because you didn't wear a condom.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 11:43

Does anybody think a man who lies about a vasectomy is a rapist?

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 11:49

Maybe - news flash - she didn’t like condoms. Why does everyone assume this was about “trapping” him?!

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 12/06/2019 11:52

It wouldn’t be okay for a man to pretend to use a condom and have sex with a lady. It shouldn’t be okay for a lady to pretend to be on the pill and have sex with a man.

ConcreteUnderpants · 12/06/2019 11:56

He doesn't need to take responsibility this wasn't an accident she is pregnant because she planned it.

If I were OP id run not walk away.

The mother is the only one to blame. If she had any consideration for how the child would feel she should get an abortion. Tough shit if it would upset her.

Wow! You are on a roll, @Contraceptionismyfriend!!

I'd find your comments quite amusing and applaud you for your goading, if I didn't suspect they were actually your true opinions. So instead, I'm horrified and ecstastic you aren't the pregnant woman.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 12:07

Why should the pregnant woman matter? She has orchestrated this entire situation!
She now can handle it on her own.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 12:11

Contraceptionismyfriend

Tricky to do without a cock, Contra.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 12:14

This is not comparable to an accident. She planned this. She did this intentionally. This changes everything

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 12:15

Contraceptionismyfriend

It changes nothing. His fertility isn’t her problem.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 12:17

This changes everything

It changes nothing. The end result is exactly the same - a baby who took two people to create. Two people, neither of whom used contraception.

DecomposingComposers · 12/06/2019 12:22

But actually, none of that matters, she made the choice to do this without his consent. He could have prevented it but he didn’t. The bit that matters is the child who’s father didn’t want him, who left him with his mother and contributed little to his life. That’s the bottom line of the advice given to the OP. Fuck the child you created, because it means maximum suffering for the mother.

And what if this woman turns into a nightmare now? If she doesn't get what she wants ie a relationship with OP, what's to stop he doing her level best to ruin his life now? Nothing to stop her cutting contact, arranging for him to see the child then cancelling. He could well have that for 18 years. She's shown she can't be trusted. Who would want a relationship with a liar and a cheater?

DecomposingComposers · 12/06/2019 12:25

So, I ask again. If a man has unprotected sex with a woman, knowing that he has an STI but doesn't tell her and then she catches it - is that her fault?

Pumperthepumper · 12/06/2019 12:34

Who would want a relationship with a liar and a cheater?

Nobody. His relationship with her is no longer the issue. It’s the relationship with the child he created, that he did absolutely nothing to prevent being created, that’s important now. Do you think he should neglect the life of his own, unwanted, child in order to get revenge on its mother?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 12:35

If I were him I'd defiantly consider informing her that she will be there parenting alone and she should consider an abortion

DecomposingComposers · 12/06/2019 12:37

It's not a case of getting revenge.

It would depend on how she behaves going forward. If she shows that she wants a mutually respectful co parenting situation then great. If she simply wants to manipulate the OP and try to control him by using the child then I think the OP should walk away, yes.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 12:38

If I were him I'd defiantly consider informing her that she will be there parenting alone and she should consider an abortion

Well thank goodness he has absolutely no say in whether she has an abortion.

herculepoirot2 · 12/06/2019 12:38

DecomposingComposers

I think that is a crime defined in law. GBH?

Pumperthepumper · 12/06/2019 12:40

It would depend on how she behaves going forward. If she shows that she wants a mutually respectful co parenting situation then great. If she simply wants to manipulate the OP and try to control him by using the child then I think the OP should walk away, yes.

That is a bold statement to make, but at least you’re honest. Leave the kid fatherless and without support if it looks like the woman is getting too much her own way.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 12:40

@JacquesHammer I never said force her to have one. But he can absolutely suggest to her that it's a good option if she thought that she wouldn't have to parent alone.

In her bunny boiler head she may have thought this would lead to the Perfect family life.
Informant her that in fact she'd be alone may lead her to want to end everything and have a clean break.

DecomposingComposers · 12/06/2019 12:43

I think that is a crime defined in law. GBH

Why though? According to you, it's her own fault. She consented to getting an STI when she consented to sex without a condom.

If she didn't want an STI she shouldn't have had unprotected sex should she? More fool her for trusting someone. People lie and so on.

Explain what the difference is?

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 12:47

If I were him I'd defiantly consider informing her that she will be there parenting alone and she should consider an abortion

Ffs, no one should be allowed to tell a woman to consider an abortion. Why should she consider an abortion because she might be a lone parent?

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 12:50

He can tell her he won't be in a relationship with her, but he can not tell her that having an abortion will be a good idea because of that.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/06/2019 12:51

@Drogosnextwife of course people can counsel an abortion. It happens on here all the time. Making her aware that it's an option to her isn't forcing her into anything.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 12:54

of course people can counsel an abortion

Your “counsel” appeared very much like a threat.

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 13:04

Some of you could do with reading this (including you, OP)

mobile.twitter.com/designmom/status/1040363433634422784

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