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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

466 replies

imlookingforadvice · 11/06/2019 15:55

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 12/06/2019 10:18

Sicario did your brother not learn after the first time?

MummyParanoia101 · 12/06/2019 10:20

@PanteneProV No, you misread it. He said he won't be in the child's life...

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 10:28

If the tables were turned, she was writing this, explaining how I took the condom off before ejaculating, would she be reading comments such as "well you should have been on the pill"

Not the same at all. According to you she was off the pill for five weeks (and got pregnant immediately, apparently). You didn’t ask or check or anything for over a month while you continued to have sex. That is not the same as a man removing a condom you’ve seen him put on before penetrating you.

Why don’t we apply some ‘equality’ and ask women why they neglected to take responsibility for their own contraception?

That’s exactly what would happen if a woman said:

  • I’ve been in a relationship for three months
  • he told me he’d had a vasectomy and didn’t like condoms
  • now I’m pregnant

That’s the closest comparison I can make. However, it isn’t the same because the woman here was taking the pill at first (I assume). He didn’t check that she was continuing.

MummyParanoia101 · 12/06/2019 10:31

@Sicario Sounds like he's spinning you a line in order to avoid your criticism love! Nobody is stupid enough to have it done to them twice! Once burnt twice shy!
My brother is like this "I'm the victim - everybody feel sorry for me!!!"

Sicario · 12/06/2019 10:35

@CassianAndor and @MummyParanoia101 - yes he really IS that stupid and thinks with his dick (or rather used to). And the "accidentally on purpose" woman was his secretary who subsequently took him to the cleaners! He is a living cliché and I have no sympathy for him.

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 12/06/2019 10:37

To stop taking the pill without telling you was completely wrong and selfish. Although can I ask what if she hadn't stopped taking the pill and still got pregnant by accident, would you support her?

no contraception is 100%,I have a 1 year old here to prove it 😂

NCforpoo · 12/06/2019 10:42

This is why they need a male pill. So men can also have some control over pregnancies. Not once they're there but before.
Sorry it happened to you OP and good luck being a good father again.

BloodyDisgrace · 12/06/2019 10:44

I really feel for you. I'd leave her and her take full responsibilities. But also, if I were a man who didn't want more (or any) kids, I cannot see myself trusting a woman with a pill. She can forget; she can puke it out after a boozy night. I'd insist on using condoms and that's that/ If she didn't like it, I'd be wary of such a girlfriend and not see her again.

It looks now as if she deliberately trapped you, and her dislike of condoms was just an excuse to get pregnant by you.

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 10:44

This is why they need a male pill. So men can also have some control over pregnancies. Not once they're there but before

You mean like a condom.....? Men can have equally as much control over conception beforehand.

CassianAndor · 12/06/2019 10:45

Sicario but you despise the women who've 'tricked' him?

Pinkmouse6 · 12/06/2019 10:50

It has been explained on here by multiple posters including myself. A man has three options to protect himself from fatherhood- a vasectomy, abstinence or condoms. Until further male contraception is released, this is all he has.

OP, you had those choices and didn’t take them. Instead you relied on someone you had known for a few weeks to take control of your reproductive rights. She didn’t take her contraception, now you are having another child.

It’s completely different to a man removing a condom during sex. If I see a man placing a condom on during sex then I have consented to fully protected sex (from both STI’s and pregnancy). If he then removes it against my knowledge and ejaculates inside of me, he has removed my consent and purposely endangered my health. A woman has to deal with all of the repercussions of pregnancy really, not a man. Men can literally walk away and have nothing to do with the child or abortion if they so wish but women do not have that choice.

It’s not a feminist issue, it’s not women hating on men either. It’s basic biology. You consented to ejaculating inside of a woman, that ejaculation has now lead to a pregnancy. I’m assuming you also didn’t ask her whether she’d been taking the pill every time you had sex as well? So legally speaking, it’s definitely not the same as ‘stealthing’.

LadyRannaldini · 12/06/2019 10:51

I personally think on this issue women should be held accountable and punished for lying to steal a baby out of an unwilling and unconsenting man.

Totally agree but this sort of woman knows that she will be the winner and be able to con him for 18 years because of her devious behaviour.

NCforpoo · 12/06/2019 10:52

A condom is a mutual contraception. It's also not fail proof- which is why when someone really doesn't want to get pregnant they use both
A male pill would mean men would know they were also in control as to whether a woman got pregnant. Condoms fail. And condoms can be made to fail!

JacquesHammer · 12/06/2019 10:54

It's also not fail proof

Well using one is a good start. Don’t use one, it is already failing Wink

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 10:56

This is why they need a male pill. So men can also have some control over pregnancies. Not once they're there but before

You mean the one where trials were abandoned because of the “intolerable side effects” (you know, the ones women tolerate without question)?

Besides which, if you think I’d trust a man I barely know when he says “don’t worry I’m on the pill”, you’re bonkers. No woman I know would trust this. But men are very eager to bin the condoms and, knowing they won’t be the ones dealing with the physical consequences, many seem happy to put this risk in the hands of women they barely know.

He had a chance to prevent pregnancy. He neglected to take it.

Pumperthepumper · 12/06/2019 11:00

Totally agree but this sort of woman knows that she will be the winner and be able to con him for 18 years because of her devious behaviour.

The winner! Someone has already pointed out how little maintenance he’ll have to pay for a third child, she will probably have to pay for 98% of the costs for this child’s life - nappies, food, clothes, school uniform, trips, days out with friends, university fees etc etc etc. Not to mention the number of posters who have advised him to just walk away - pay nothing, don’t see the child. Even if he does choose to see the child the minimum contact is what, a day a month? So she’s also doing 98% of the childcare for his unwanted child.

But actually, none of that matters, she made the choice to do this without his consent. He could have prevented it but he didn’t. The bit that matters is the child who’s father didn’t want him, who left him with his mother and contributed little to his life. That’s the bottom line of the advice given to the OP. Fuck the child you created, because it means maximum suffering for the mother.

mrbob · 12/06/2019 11:03

Totally with you OP. This makes me so angry. It feels like it is always the man’s fault on mumsnet... She did a really shitty thing on purpose and you are going to end up paying for it. There is a huge difference between purposely getting pregnant and taking the pill but it failing.
Interesting how when people are married on here tricking your husband into having a child is evil but apparently it is fine if you are not in a long term relationship and then basically the guy was asking for it Hmm

mrbob · 12/06/2019 11:04

she will probably have to pay for 98% of the costs for this child’s life - nappies, food, clothes, school uniform, trips, days out with friends, university fees etc etc etc.

Which she fucking CHOSE

Pumperthepumper · 12/06/2019 11:08

mrbob did you read the rest of that post?

FingersMcGinty · 12/06/2019 11:14

mrbob she didn`t get pregnant on her own, there was a penis involved attached to a grown arsed male who was also responsible.

TillyTots1234 · 12/06/2019 11:15

So you didn’t use condoms because she didn’t like them and so she started taking the pill, what did you use when you didn’t use condoms, before she started to take the pill? She then told you she stopped taking the pill for 5-6 weeks, you were having sex for three months, so she used the pill for approx less than a month and even then it’s not safe to have unprotected sex during that time? It seems to me that she never even went on the pill and it was just a lie. I’m not sure whether you’re still together but that’s a massive trust issue. You were not being strict on using contraceptives because you wasn’t using it yourself (ie condoms), you relied on your girlfriend using contraceptives, which I very much doubt she even used. I think you have been careless with regards to protecting yourself and so has she but it sounds like she wanted a baby and she did this, in order to have one. It’s wrong but the only option is for you to step up as your role in being a parent.

Bixter · 12/06/2019 11:18

@mrbob I agree with you, and I'm F. She did a really cunning thing and I feel for the OP.

SinkGirl · 12/06/2019 11:29

She did a really cunning thing and I feel for the OP.

Cunning would be mocking up some sugar pills into a combined pill packet and taking them in front of him.

This guy just assumed she was still taking it and had sex anyway. Not the most cunning thing I’ve ever heard of.

And she’s not that cunning is she, because she admitted stopping the pill when she could have said just she got pregnant while on it. Curious, no?

Starlight456 · 12/06/2019 11:32

There are some stupid comments on this thread.

He has been deceived. If she wanted to get pregnant she should of got a Donner sperm.

If he had come on and said I have an sti far less sympathy. This is not a one night stand it is someone he works with .

He was clearly wrong to trust her but don’t berate him for it .

Drogosnextwife · 12/06/2019 11:35

Getting pregnant "accidentally on purpose" is a despicable thing to do. My brother had it done to him (more than once!) and has paid a heavy price for it. I totally despise women who do this.

Yeah, that's not true. What you mean is he was careless enough to allow it to happen once and stupid enough that he didn't learn the first time.