My "girlfriend" stopped taking the pill without telling me and now she's pregnant

[imlookingforadvice]

We were seeing each other for 3 months and were having sex.
We didn't use condoms as she didn't like them so she opted to start taking the pill.
I already have 2 kids (4 & 12) and so wasn't ready for more children so was pretty strict on using SOME form of protection!
Long story short she decided because the pill 'wasn't agreeing with her' that she would stop taking it.
4-5 weeks later, still having sex with me that whole time, she sent me a message to tell me that she stopped taking the pill a while back and has done 2 tests and she is pregnant.
Although, at the time she told me this, she kept saying "I'm sorry, I will fix this" that has gone and she has now confirmed to me that shes going to keep it.
What do I do??
I have read as many things as I can but it basically appears that I'm screwed and have no say in this at all and now I can either be a part of the child's life or not yet still pay child support.
Not being a part of the child's life isn't an option for me, its not something I can humanly do.
I suppose this has reached the point now where this is just a rant and I'm just looking for confirmation that i'm well within my rights to be angry\fuming with this or, if not, someone to explain why I shouldn't be angry, because i'm coming up empty.
I realise that when having sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, and that I suppose was the risk I consented to - with contraception. What I did not consent to was sex without protection.
So, AIBU?

Thank you to all those who have actually read my post and understood the situation.
Yes, I understand that I should have worn a condom and insisted on it.

herculepoirot2 who I'm not sure has read my posts properly.
To suggest I "Absolutely DID consent to sex without protection" is absurd!
I consented to sex with the pill.
I consented to sex without a condom.
I DID NOT consent to sex with NOTHING.
In any aftermath of this type of situation it's easy for someone to say "well one form of protection isn't enough"
How is that?
Women who DON'T take the pill depend on the male using a condom and THAT is considered enough to most, although obviously not all, but most.
Why is different when the ONE form of protection is being used by the female and not the male?!
So I ask again, if the male then slipped the condom off and she became pregnant your argument, if correct, would HAVE to still stand!
You would have to tell her basically "tough luck, you agreed to unprotected sex".
NO she wouldn't have! She would have believed the condom remained on!
Whatever your thoughts are on that being "not quite the same thing is it" - It absolutely is!!
And it happens, as PP have spoke of.
Just because you ask and watch the male put the condom on does not mean it can't be removed in the 'heat of the moment'.

And it's ludicrous and judgemental of you to state "The pill can fail".
Well OF COURSE it can and if you have actually read my posts you would see I'm accepting and understanding of that and wouldn't even question myself or her had that been what actually happened so telling me the pill can fail is a ridiculous statememt to make in this situation. Whether the pill can fail or not, she wasn't even taking it!!

And just to add, which I should have added before, although we had only been seeing each other for 3 months, we've known each other a fair bit longer and we also work together, so yes, I did put trust in her.

Women who DON'T take the pill depend on the male using a condom and THAT is considered enough to most, although obviously not all, but most.
Why is different when the ONE form of protection is being used by the female and not the male?

Well it’s been explained repeatedly but here goes.

Women, should they find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, have other options.

Men do not. As a man you have ONE chance to consent to whether you have unprotected sex or not. ONE.

That’s biology.

imlookingforadvice

From what I can gather here, you thought she was on the pill because she told you she was at the outset of your relationship. From thereonin, your belief that she still was on the pill was an assumption. You had no reliable basis for the belief at the commencement of each sex act that you were protected. You assumed. That absolutely isn’t the case when you watch someone put on a condom.

It’s awful that you feel your trust was betrayed. She behaved badly.

My first was an accident. Best accident I ever had. I hope yours brings you joy despite his or her being conceived this way.

But in this sort of scenario, I do think it is horrifying that there are women who think they can do this. I'm against stealthing and I understand the implications of stealthing are going to be much more difficult for a woman than the situation with the pill being deliberately missed will be on a man.

But in my head and my heart I do see both as being similarly wrong.

But until there's a way of proving a woman is on the pill like they say they are, men do take our word for it because most of us have no reason to lie. And the few women who do lie really ruin things for people.

Can I just clarify what you think should happen here, OP?

What’s done is done. There’s no going back now. You have a right to be angry for many reasons. But don’t let that anger seep into your relationship with your child.
Most lessons are learnt the hard way!

In sure you enjoyed having the sex without a condom and clearly did not mind the risk of STIs from this woman .

You shouldn’t have trusted her , you should’ve used a condom too . So yes you could be Angry with her but you need to be equally angry with yourself for not considering that her contraception may fail ,and taking additional precautions given you strongly did not want another child .

At the same time you do have my sympathy as it can be a bit of a shock to know you are pregnant when you have been taking precautions. Don’t do or say anything rash and just try to calm down for a bit because your anger isn’t going to change anything and you need to be constructive.

If you do not intend to continue being with this woman you need to tell her categorically that you do not intend to pursue a relationship with her , so she understands that you do not wish to be involved with her . As far as the child goes whether you want to accept it or not , you are the father and have responsibilities toward the child .

I don’t underestimate that this surprise pregnancy is really stressful , counselling may help ?

If this makes you feel bad please bear in mind that many many many women becoming pregnant unexpectedlydespite using contraception,I know this is different , but also the same because you are unexpectedly expecting to be a father.

The point is that many women who are in the situation you are , eg those already in marriages or long term relationships ( and those who aren’t ) HAVE to come to terms mentally and emotionally and often take the physical hit for a year , changing their lives , because they are the ones carrying that child . That’s what this woman you have slept with is doing .

You need to simply accept the mental and emotional hit , physically , nothing affects you , you aren’t going to give birth , your body will remain the same , and you can choose to have no contact with the child.

Women in your situation who continue the pregnancy quite often don’t have that privilege .

People need to acknowledge that the Op may be forced to legally pay maintenance however he has the option of walking away.

Which with the level of bat shittery it would take to do this I would seriously seriously consider.

Do you want to be her puppet for the next 20 years?! You have other children I'd prioritise them.

'Sorry but pregnancy isn’t everything - there’s a child at the end of it who the man is as responsible for creating at the woman- but we treat that like it’s just ‘no big deal’?

It’s an offence to inflict pregnancy on a woman but FINE to inflict parental responsibility on a man! '

It is no big deal for absentee fathers. Women almost always get lumped with almost all of the childcare and costs of raising a child. Men take them out for a couple of hours at the weekend and pay as little child support as they can get away with.

That is awful OP, do you think you could ever trust her?... She is deceitful... Not a good trate in a relationship. Its good that you say you will support the child at the end of the day they are the innocent in all of this. You are very much well within your right to be angry but as far as trust goes I'd say this is proof to you of the type of relationship you'd be letting yourself in for.

The people talking about rape and prosecutions are doolally.

Let’s say I was on the pill and enjoying a varied and open-minded sex life. I meet a man on a night out. We go home to shag. He asks me if I am on the pill and I say yes, because I am. It’s a one night stand and I’m a bit bladdered. Three weeks later I meet the same man in a nightclub toilet. I think I recognise him but think “meh”. We have sex. This time he doesn’t ask me if I am on the pill. As it happens I stopped taking it a week ago because it was giving me major mood swings. Six weeks later I realise I am pregnant. For some obscure reason (a bad cold) he was the only person I slept with in the three weeks surrounding the pregnancy. He is the likely father. I track him down and tell him.

“You told me you were on the pill!” he says. “You raped me!”

Now I know the circumstantial parts of this aren’t the same, but legally it would be. A man, told by a woman at one point that she was taking oral contraceptives, assumes at another point that she was still doing so. Rather than assume personal responsibility for his desperate wish not to be a father and putting a condom on, he goes ahead with sex. What he then wants to do is hold the woman legally accountable - in perpetuity, I assume - for not telling him she has decided to stop taking a certain pill.

What a load of crap.

OP you say that Yes, I understand that I should have worn a condom and insisted on it but then go on to moan and completely blame your ex partner.

Take some responsibility for goodness' sake.

What do you want from your postings? Everyone to join forces and slag off this terrible wiley banshee who has tricked you through no fault of your own? Or for us to club together and pay your maintenance?

Yep, what she did was terrible, but she wouldn't have been able to do it if you'd been more responsible about your own sexual health, never mind pregnancy. Time to grow up and deal with your actions.

He doesn't need to take responsibility this wasn't an accident she is pregnant because she planned it.

Contraceptionismyfriend

She is pregnant because she planned it and he did fuck all to prevent it.

JFC this place is fucked.

If I were OP id run not walk away.

OP I am sorry this happened to you and I understand why you're so angry. You have every right to be. I think some of the language you have used is where the contention is coming from, particularly 'consent'. This has legal implications and automatically compares what happened to an assault, although I'm not sure this is what you are saying? What is it you think should happen?

For the condkm argument - Removing a condom means inserting semen without consent. This exposes a woman to a higher risk of pregnancy and introduces a risk of STI transmission. Inserting something into a vagina without consent is rape.

What happened here is that the OP consented to his semen being in her vagina but with 2% odds instead of 20%. It's horrible and detestable but does not constitute an assault. For those advocating this is rape, do you feel that this woman should be prosecuted? Is that in the public interest, or personal interest if the victim? It's easy to get angry on thd OP's behalf but please be clear on what you're saying.

FWIW, a condom isn't a man's contraception method, it's very mutual. You watch him put it on and visually check it for errors - is there an air bubble? Is it too tight/loose? I did this even when using them in marriage because mistakes happen.

What the girlfriend did was despicable.

The OP was very foolish not to use barrier contraception with a new partner - well, both were. I think that men are too eager to be pleased not to use condoms to think through what they are doing and the risks, not just of pregnancy but of STIs (I hope you and your girlfriend are getting yourselves checked out on that score, OP).

You are going to have to do the decent thing here, OP. But I don't blame you for feeling very angry about this.

JFC this place is fucked

Because we understand biology? Or because we don't think a child should suffer whatever the occurences of its conception?

FWIW, a condom isn't a man's contraception method, it's very mutual

Of course it has mutual benefits, however it is the ONLY method available to a man to protect himself against unwanted pregnancy or STDs.

The mother is the only one to blame. If she had any consideration for how the child would feel she should get an abortion. Tough shit if it would upset her.

Contraceptionismyfriend

Nonsense. She is responsible for protecting herself from pregnancy if she doesn’t want a baby. The OP was responsible for protecting himself and chose not to.

If she had any consideration for how the child would feel she should get an abortion

Pro choice as I am, this is probably the stupidist thing I will read in a long while. Thank you for giving me a good laugh.

Stopping taking the pill and not informing you wasn’t right and incredibly stupid. Saying that though you also have a responsibility for your own sexual health. If you definitely didn’t want anymore children it probably wasn’t the best idea to trust someone you’ve been with for three months who clearly seems irresponsible.

Anyway, a child is now on the way. Do you plan to be involved in the child’s life? Will you continue the relationship with the child’s mother? Will you trust her if she goes back on the pill again?

Imagine if lying to get sex was illegal! How many men would be banged up?

Getting pregnant "accidentally on purpose" is a despicable thing to do. My brother had it done to him (more than once!) and has paid a heavy price for it. I totally despise women who do this.