to want to take my kids away for 2 weeks without their Dad?

[curiousyellow]

My own dad passed away six months ago. We live in another country from my mum. She’s in her 70s now, and although in the past she and my dad came to visit us for long holidays, she now says she doesn’t really feel up to traveling 15+ hours to come visit us. Taking care of my dad for 2 years of increasingly debilitating illness took its toll on her.

Over the past 3 years I’ve taken my kids back to visit my parents for several weeks over their school holidays. DH does not like being on his own, works from home and isn’t much of a social person. Says it’s ‘brutal’ being on his own for more than a week. He has (with much grumbling and guilt tripping) gone along with our previous visits because we knew my dad was dying. Now he says I’m giving in to my mum, letting her walk all over me, that if she really wanted to see us she should come over to see us.

I will say I expected her to come over this spring, but she made excuses. Then she mentioned maybe autumn, now she says not. She’s talking about maybe coming over for Xmas but I can see she’s really not keen to make the long trip. I’m worried her mental health now, right after my dad died she seemed to be coping really well but now she’s withdrawing, doesn’t feel like going out, isn’t engaging with her friends much.

I found cheap-ish flights so we can visit her instead, at the end of the kids summer holiday for 2 weeks, not our usual 3 or 4 (because who wants to fly that far and only stay for 2 weeks?). DH is so mad that I’m even suggesting the kids and I go. He can’t come with us due to work.

To be fair to him: the first time we were gone for 3 weeks, he thought he was starting to slip into depression. Several members of his family have clinical depression and he decided he might do too. He was fine once we got back home tho. But to be fair to my mum, she lives by herself ALL THE TIME now. Having just lost her husband. I get that I am asking him to sacrifice his comfort for my mums comfort. He has the classic mildly antagonistic mil relationship with her, so that doesn’t help. But if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t try and make him feel guilty about leaving me behind to go visit his mum. Frankly I’d welcome some time off from parenting and enjoy the peace and quiet...

YANBU to want to go and spend time with your mum. Quite frankly your DH is being a selfish arse!

He needs to ac ept that if he can't cope without you/kids for 2 weeks once or twice a year, he has a dependency problem that is leading him to act very selfishly.

Of course it is normal 4hst he would miss you all, but his reaction seems to be much more than that. Does he miss you guys so much emotionally or does he miss all you do for him?

He’s being a controlling selfish arse. I can’t believe he actually made up having clinical depression, a horrible serious illness, just to guilt trip you. Go, enjoy your holiday, and be kind to your mum.

My DH flew back and forth with me from Australia to the UK four times in 18 months with me when my mother was dying. He didn't complain once. His father is now sick so I'll be doing the trip with him shortly. My DH had to make all kinds of arrangements with his job to do those trips but he just got on with it.
If he hadn't been able to swing it he would never have stood in the way of me going alone. He would never try to make me feel guilty for having an infirm parent who couldn't travel to me.
Your mother needs you and you're there for your husband all year round. He can "let" you have a few weeks to do right by your widowed mother, surely?

Of course he’s being utterly ridiculous. It’s two weeks for goodness sake and he’s an adult !

What a selfish man. Me me me is all I read
What about your mom who frankly needs you more?!

He should go to the gp if it's legit depression.
Hard to tell if it's that or him being a controlling moaner.

How old are the DC? Could you travel on your own to see your Mum? Leave the kids with him. Certainly wouldn't be alone then would he.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your DH needs to get a grip. It isn’t your responsibility to entertain him. He needs to make his own social circle and not rely solely on you.

It sounds awful being married to a depressive introvert who is selfish to boot!

Hope you end up going OP and enjoying time with your own family

DC are 8 (twins) and I’d really like to bring them with me, they love their Gran and she loves them, she hasn’t been able to go out and take them fun places on our past few visits as she couldn’t leave my dad by himself (and he wouldn’t have anyone else to stay with him, it’s a whole other story). But yes, it’s occurred to me to leave them home with him and go by myself. Just seems unfair to my kids, who keep asking when they’re going to see their gran ☹️

He's a fully grown adult tell him to grow up it's only two weeks! Book the tickets and go.

I think your husband is being very selfish and as an adult is perfectly capable of looking after himself for 2-3 weeks. I think your mum needs you and you should go. He should be supporting you, not acting like a truculent toddler.

Nope, he’s just controlling. Absolutely nothing unreasonable with your wish.
Would he prefer you went on your own and he looked after the kids? Or would he like to join you on the last week?

He sounds manipulative, sorry.

Your poor mum. Tell him the dates, and tell him to either come with you or make arrangements for someone to come and stay with him.

Is it that he CBA to look after himself?

Take them and go visit your mum. You are being entirely reasonable. Dh sounds manipulative.

of course you should go!

I live the same distance from my parents and my DH doesn't like flying so he never comes back to visit them with me (I used to take the kids, or go by myself when they were younger).
He never complains when I go - he knew when he married me that I would be flying back and forth to some extent to the UK.

Book tickets for you and your twins and go and see your mum!!!

He's being totally unreasonable.

Does he have so little going on in his own life that two weeks away from you all seems unbearable to him? No interests, hobbies, friends of his own? I'm flabbergasted, to be honest.

Giving my husband two weeks away from me and the kids would be a dream for him! I'm not saying that has to be the case for everyone, but to actively try and stop you? That's too far.

Your DH is a very selfish man. Your mum is recently bereaved and I'm sure a visit from you and her grandkids would cheer her up no end. He doesn't like being by himself - then it's up to him to do something about that. If he is genuinely prone to depression, go to the gp and ask for help. Whatever he needs to do, he is an adult and should be taking responsibility for himself. Guilting you into staying home to look after him is truly horrible manipulative behaviour.

Of course he should go, and he should get a life and some friends. It's not healthy to only depend on your wife for company.

Have you posted before? About wanting to visit your 80yo mum in the summer?

Just go and leave him at home if he won't go. Give him the option to come with or stay and then stop pandering to him.

sorry, I meant, I used to take them with me when they were younger and then have been a few times by myself since they were older teens

To be fair to him: the first time we were gone for 3 weeks, he thought he was starting to slip into depression. Several members of his family have clinical depression and he decided he might do too. He was fine once we got back home tho. But to be fair to my mum, she lives by herself ALL THE TIME now. Having just lost her husband. I get that I am asking him to sacrifice his comfort for my mums comfort

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. Just leave him full stop unless he decides to stop being emotionally abusive and to grow up.

Go. And possibly stay there you have to come back to a grown sulky man.

DH needs to grow up.

He's being selfish. He either goes too or he shuts up and accepts it. Your mother is elderly and recently bereaved. How can he be so cruel about this?