Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to take my kids away for 2 weeks without their Dad?

91 replies

curiousyellow · 11/06/2019 05:23

My own dad passed away six months ago. We live in another country from my mum. She’s in her 70s now, and although in the past she and my dad came to visit us for long holidays, she now says she doesn’t really feel up to traveling 15+ hours to come visit us. Taking care of my dad for 2 years of increasingly debilitating illness took its toll on her.

Over the past 3 years I’ve taken my kids back to visit my parents for several weeks over their school holidays. DH does not like being on his own, works from home and isn’t much of a social person. Says it’s ‘brutal’ being on his own for more than a week. He has (with much grumbling and guilt tripping) gone along with our previous visits because we knew my dad was dying. Now he says I’m giving in to my mum, letting her walk all over me, that if she really wanted to see us she should come over to see us.

I will say I expected her to come over this spring, but she made excuses. Then she mentioned maybe autumn, now she says not. She’s talking about maybe coming over for Xmas but I can see she’s really not keen to make the long trip. I’m worried her mental health now, right after my dad died she seemed to be coping really well but now she’s withdrawing, doesn’t feel like going out, isn’t engaging with her friends much.

I found cheap-ish flights so we can visit her instead, at the end of the kids summer holiday for 2 weeks, not our usual 3 or 4 (because who wants to fly that far and only stay for 2 weeks?). DH is so mad that I’m even suggesting the kids and I go. He can’t come with us due to work.

To be fair to him: the first time we were gone for 3 weeks, he thought he was starting to slip into depression. Several members of his family have clinical depression and he decided he might do too. He was fine once we got back home tho. But to be fair to my mum, she lives by herself ALL THE TIME now. Having just lost her husband. I get that I am asking him to sacrifice his comfort for my mums comfort. He has the classic mildly antagonistic mil relationship with her, so that doesn’t help. But if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t try and make him feel guilty about leaving me behind to go visit his mum. Frankly I’d welcome some time off from parenting and enjoy the peace and quiet...

OP posts:
wanilamorty · 11/06/2019 07:34

If he works from home, can he not go with you and work during the day while you and kids spend time with your mum? That way you could go for the usual 3-4 weeks and spend a good amount of time with her.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 11/06/2019 07:37

DH does not like being on his own, works from home and isn’t much of a social person.

He works from home - so even if he has to work he can go with you and work remotely there no?

I am surprised he won’t consider this if a 2 week break makes him believe he has clinical depression Hmm

I’d go and tell him he can stay or come with me.

Personally I think you have bigger issues I feel anxious thinking about what retired life will look like with a man like this and I’d watching out for him guilt tripping the kids.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/06/2019 07:45

Your mother is grieving. She has probably lost some confidence, some part of herself, with the loss of her husband. It is normal and reasonable for her to feel overwhelmed and unable to travel across the globe right now.
A grown man who fears depression if he is left without his wife and children for more than a week also has a problem but it’s one he needs to take responsibility for himself.
Please be very clear with him that you will be visiting your grieving mother this summer and on future occasions should you wish to. He needs to decide how he is going to deal with this. This should not include a constant stream of complaining to you.
Marriage is a choice - whining and being pathetically dependent on you and manipulating you is not attractive or pleasant to live with. He needs to remember that you have the right to choose to leave him for a few weeks to travel just as you have the right to choose to leave him altogether if life with him is a joyless grind of bellyaching. This issue is his responsibility and his to resolve. Not yours.

Isatis · 11/06/2019 07:52

If he finds this so brutal, has he thought about how he would cope in, say, 10 years' time when the children may be away at university if you became ill or worse? Point out to him that, for his own sake, he needs to develop resources so that being on his own isn't a big deal.

Beechview · 11/06/2019 07:57

Just go, op. Your dh, as a grown adult, will just have to cope.
I do the same and take the kids off to see not only my mum, but my siblings too who live in other parts of the world.
I can’t imagine dh having a problem with it. He loves to hear our updates and what we’re up to.
If my dh did have an issue with it, I’d go regardless. It’s extremely selfish and you have every right to see your mother.

Pinkmouse6 · 11/06/2019 08:00

YANBU, he sounds selfish and immature. Your Mum clearly needs support right now.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/06/2019 08:10

We’ve just lost my Mum and I can’t imagine being told I can’t go and see my Dad with my dc and support him.

I agree with a few comments;

He’s just all me me me
He needs to get a fucking grip

BaronessBomburst · 11/06/2019 08:10

I'd be interested to hear how much DH interacts with the DTs when you're all there. Does he play with them and give them a lot of his time and attention?
I bet he doesn't.

GummyGoddess · 11/06/2019 08:17

He works from home, nothing to stop him working on the flight and at a hotel once there. He doesn't even have to see your mum!

He's being selfish. Do not let him control when you see your family.

BlueSkiesLies · 11/06/2019 08:20

Gosh he sounds awful

If you left him, he’d be on his own an awful lot more!

Can’t you and the kids face time him, he can make an effort to see friends, he could fly out for the weekend.

Ask him if he’d want to see his children when he is old?

rosedream · 11/06/2019 08:35

It sounds like he's being a bit controlling.

You can't go because I'll become ill.

If he was supportive and this was true he would work out how to stop himself becoming ill when you go.

He can't understand why a mid 70 year old feels unable to travel due to being low , grieving from loosing their husband and health wise not feeling up to it. Yet as a probably early 40 yr old can't be left for two weeks for less reasons.

Does he not understand how important it is to you to see your mother ?

Chamomileteaplease · 11/06/2019 08:41

I definitely think you should go and take your kids too.

But your husband needs to seriously look at his life and make some changes because that is no way to live. He needs to get out more and make his own friends. Jeez. Isn't he embarrassed to say this even??

It's a shame because if it wasn't for him, you could presumably go for 3 or 4 weeks.

Geminijes · 11/06/2019 08:46

Your Mum is in her 70's, just lost her husband and doesn't feel up to 15+ hours of travelling and your husband is saying you're letting her 'walk all over you'.

Yet, your husband is, I guess, in his early 40's (possibly younger), isn't grieving and doesn't want you to visit your Mum as he will be all alone and will have to fend for himself. Awww, diddums!

He is the one that is 'walking all over you'. He is being very selfish and controlling.

Do what YOU want to do, go visit your Mum, let your husband cope on his own. He's a young, healthy adult so should easily manage on his own for 2 weeks or longer.

historysock · 11/06/2019 08:56

Your DH is a grown man. He should be able to cope on his own for two weeks. That sort of neediness would drive me mental.

blackteasplease · 11/06/2019 09:05

He sounds awful and controlling. I agree that faking a mental illness is appalling.

Also the melodramatic use of the word "brutal" would put me right off him!

blackteasplease · 11/06/2019 09:07

Also why do controlling people always say that someone else is "walking all over you"?

namechangedforthis1980 · 11/06/2019 09:09

Do you think he's depressed @curiousyellow ?

Branleuse · 11/06/2019 09:12

Jesus, what a baby he is. He cant go so none of you can go? ugh, thats actually really controlling. Not like youre leaving him with the kids. Youre not his bloody entertainment

BlueMerchant · 11/06/2019 09:15

I'd take the DC and go and see my mum.
Your DH will have to sort himself some coping strategies. After work at home he could structure his days and get out and about, gym? swimming?hobbies?(all would benefit his MH). Failing that I'd get him to redecorate or do the gardening. You really shouldn't have to 'tell' him these things though.He really needs some self-reliance.

HJWT · 11/06/2019 09:17

Im sorry but tell him to get over himself!! Ask him how he would feel if you passed away and the kids never visited him THEN he would become depressed, exactly how your mum feels! Selfish idiot 😁

HiJenny35 · 11/06/2019 09:17

Only you know him. I would be gutted if my OH had to take the kids off without me and would miss the dreadfully however would understand. I can see his point that your mum could come to you and is choosing not to however she's had a hard time. He could be really worried about how down he gets when you aren't around.
I'd book the tickets, half the problem is the anxiety about if you are going to go or not, once booked he can start to handle it.
Then I'd be really clear with your mum that you'd like her to come to you next.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 11/06/2019 09:40

Can you pay for a dog walker to call in twice a day to make sure he's ok and knows where his food is?

Hmm
SandyY2K · 11/06/2019 09:42

Getting depressed because your family are away for a couple of weeks is an issue...but it's his issue.

It's looks like he fears being abandoned, which might be linked to something from his childhood.

YANBU.

BrownSq · 11/06/2019 10:17

What an awful man.

Fuck him.

timeisnotaline · 11/06/2019 10:23

Make him prebook a doctors appt for the second week you are away and tell him if being on his own for two weeks makes him feel depressed then he needs help. You are his family not his medication.