to want to take my kids away for 2 weeks without their Dad?

[curiousyellow]

My own dad passed away six months ago. We live in another country from my mum. She’s in her 70s now, and although in the past she and my dad came to visit us for long holidays, she now says she doesn’t really feel up to traveling 15+ hours to come visit us. Taking care of my dad for 2 years of increasingly debilitating illness took its toll on her.

Over the past 3 years I’ve taken my kids back to visit my parents for several weeks over their school holidays. DH does not like being on his own, works from home and isn’t much of a social person. Says it’s ‘brutal’ being on his own for more than a week. He has (with much grumbling and guilt tripping) gone along with our previous visits because we knew my dad was dying. Now he says I’m giving in to my mum, letting her walk all over me, that if she really wanted to see us she should come over to see us.

I will say I expected her to come over this spring, but she made excuses. Then she mentioned maybe autumn, now she says not. She’s talking about maybe coming over for Xmas but I can see she’s really not keen to make the long trip. I’m worried her mental health now, right after my dad died she seemed to be coping really well but now she’s withdrawing, doesn’t feel like going out, isn’t engaging with her friends much.

I found cheap-ish flights so we can visit her instead, at the end of the kids summer holiday for 2 weeks, not our usual 3 or 4 (because who wants to fly that far and only stay for 2 weeks?). DH is so mad that I’m even suggesting the kids and I go. He can’t come with us due to work.

To be fair to him: the first time we were gone for 3 weeks, he thought he was starting to slip into depression. Several members of his family have clinical depression and he decided he might do too. He was fine once we got back home tho. But to be fair to my mum, she lives by herself ALL THE TIME now. Having just lost her husband. I get that I am asking him to sacrifice his comfort for my mums comfort. He has the classic mildly antagonistic mil relationship with her, so that doesn’t help. But if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t try and make him feel guilty about leaving me behind to go visit his mum. Frankly I’d welcome some time off from parenting and enjoy the peace and quiet...

Take the kids to see your Mum. Poor woman has lost her husband!

And your husband sounds like a selfish little shit.

I'm going to make an assumption here (and apologies if I'm wrong) but I'm guessing you do ALL the cooking/cleaning and he's worried about fending for himself for a couple of weeks.

Just go! Your Mum is on her own all the time.

Would you be ok if DH took the kids away for 2 weeks without you?
If Yes- YANBU
If No -YABU

To be fair to him: the first time we were gone for 3 weeks, he thought he was starting to slip into depression

Boo hoo. If this makes him "slip into a depression" then he has a lot of growing up to do.

He's behaving incredibly selfishly and childishly. For heaven's sake, go visit your mum with your kids.

Is he usually controlling and selfish?

Your DH sounds like a pathetic,needy ,little child and seriously needs to get a grip. You don't slip into clinical depression just because you're missing someone while they're on holiday ffs.Take your kids to see their gran whenever you feel like it,and don't let this selfish man manipulate you.

Your dp is an adult man and should be able to occupy himself for 2, 3 or even 4 weeks in these circumstances. If he genuinely starts to feel clinically depressed during that time
he should visit a Dr, to address the issue. you can't fix that. This is just as important a trip for your DC as it is for you and your mum. If he works from home surely he could arrange the time off if he truly wanted. Please go and have a great time

My DH doesn’t exactly enjoy being without his children for the fortnight I spend with my parents each year abroad, but never once has he ever uttered a word of complaint. Never. Your husband sounds unspeakably selfish - can he really not put someone else’s needs above his own and see how your poor mum must be feeling, or you for that matter? It’s so unkind of him

nope.book it.book it now.

and actually from my own experience the suffer of depression actually wants more than anything whats best for others and constantly think how other are and if they are ok.so we were pushed to go away and pushed to continue living and they wold have had too much guilt over us not living a good life and not and thinking they were holding us back.

So your DC must hang around in the holidays, just so that DH doesn't get too lonely? Instead of an amazing trip to see their grandmother, experience another country and enjoy lots of new experiences? Yeah, he sounds like a real peach.

DH has taken DS away to our home country a few times and I've had to stay here for work. I miss them desperately. But I wouldn't dream of asking them not to go because DS has such a wonderful time while they're there, seeing extended family and doing all kinds of things he wouldn't be able to do here.

Can't he go and work remotely?

My DH really hates it when I take the DC away - he isn't happy alone. But he would never complain in this circumstance, let alone forbid.

he says I’m giving in to my mum, letting her walk all over me, that if she really wanted to see us she should come over to see us

He understands you lost your dad 6 months ago, yes? And that your only other parent lives in a different country? And is elderly?

Honestly, he sounds as if he lacks compassion not only for his MIL, but for his wife and children.

He's pathetic if he can't cope without you for two weeks.

His attitude could end your marriage then he will be on his own most of the time..

He sounds very selfish. You are not responsible for ensuring his mental health remains good, the fact he thinks you are suggests you have a potentially unhealthy relationship and he needs to get help for himself.

he says I’m giving in to my mum, letting her walk all over me, that if she really wanted to see us she should come over to see us

You want to see your mum so you aren't giving in, and as you really want to see her you should go to her. What does he say to that? Does he say he wants you to give in to him rather than your mother?

You will resent him forever more if she dies suddenly and you weren't allowed to see her.

Your husband sounds really selfish.

And the fact that he was emotionally blackmailing you by self-diagnosing with depression that miraculously disappears when you get home is really quite manipulative.

He needs to get help if he can't cope at home without you for two weeks. The problem is all his not yours. Don't let him limit your children's lives either because of his selfishness. You should have no hesitation on being blunt about it and telling him he is being selfish and manipulative. You should go for your usual amount of time.