to want to take my kids away for 2 weeks without their Dad?

[curiousyellow]

My own dad passed away six months ago. We live in another country from my mum. She’s in her 70s now, and although in the past she and my dad came to visit us for long holidays, she now says she doesn’t really feel up to traveling 15+ hours to come visit us. Taking care of my dad for 2 years of increasingly debilitating illness took its toll on her.

Over the past 3 years I’ve taken my kids back to visit my parents for several weeks over their school holidays. DH does not like being on his own, works from home and isn’t much of a social person. Says it’s ‘brutal’ being on his own for more than a week. He has (with much grumbling and guilt tripping) gone along with our previous visits because we knew my dad was dying. Now he says I’m giving in to my mum, letting her walk all over me, that if she really wanted to see us she should come over to see us.

I will say I expected her to come over this spring, but she made excuses. Then she mentioned maybe autumn, now she says not. She’s talking about maybe coming over for Xmas but I can see she’s really not keen to make the long trip. I’m worried her mental health now, right after my dad died she seemed to be coping really well but now she’s withdrawing, doesn’t feel like going out, isn’t engaging with her friends much.

I found cheap-ish flights so we can visit her instead, at the end of the kids summer holiday for 2 weeks, not our usual 3 or 4 (because who wants to fly that far and only stay for 2 weeks?). DH is so mad that I’m even suggesting the kids and I go. He can’t come with us due to work.

To be fair to him: the first time we were gone for 3 weeks, he thought he was starting to slip into depression. Several members of his family have clinical depression and he decided he might do too. He was fine once we got back home tho. But to be fair to my mum, she lives by herself ALL THE TIME now. Having just lost her husband. I get that I am asking him to sacrifice his comfort for my mums comfort. He has the classic mildly antagonistic mil relationship with her, so that doesn’t help. But if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t try and make him feel guilty about leaving me behind to go visit his mum. Frankly I’d welcome some time off from parenting and enjoy the peace and quiet...

Wow. The selfishness of some men. He's being a giant man baby. Tell him if he doesn't improve his attitude he'll be spending A LOT more time alone.

Well actually I think yabu. I would say one week is fair but 2 is a bit too long. Would you like to be without your kids for two weeks op?

He's being selfish
Go and see your Mum, if he doesn't like it then don't ever come back. Don't put up with his shit

AyBeeCee10 - no, you’re absolutely right, I wouldn’t. If it was a two hour drive, a five hour flight, or didn’t cost thousands to travel over, I’d just go for a week. Because I could afford the time and money to go again, another time, for another week. But it’s a 15+ hour journey, does cost thousands and the jet lag alone takes a week to get over. Anything less than two weeks just isn’t worth it. IMO. And again, under the same circumstances, I’d be happy to have my kids go visit my mil for 2 weeks if she was in the same situation.

I'd take the kids and go. Life's too short. If he gets upset being on his own, he needs to get up off his arse and go out and about for a few hours.

He sounds such a joy to live with.😇
Does he go out much, have any friends or participate in any excercise at all for his mental health. He cannot stop you seeing your mother - she wants to see her grandchildren. Why can’t he come, (I doubt I’d want him too and he sounds like a kill joy) does he not have holidays.
Do you work away from the home? You need too. He sounds co dependent. Look it up for the traits. Go and see your mum and take your children.
She maybe depressed now and need some medical input. 🌺

Your DH is being unreasonable.

Can you fly her over in business for the cost of the 3 of you to go over (I'm assuming 3x economy)?

You should go

Your DH is being incredibly selfish. Your mum won't be around forever and it sounds like she needs you

If she lived nearer you'd be seeing for odd days and weekends all the time. The distance means you have to clump all your time into longer visits

He needs to think about your twins feelings too. They don't get much opportunity to spend time with their Gran snd they obviously want to go.

She gets a couple of weeks, he gets the rest of their lives unless he keeps being a complete arse

If he needs help then he should absolutely visit the GP and get it, but guilt tripping and denying you isn't going to solve the issue

Maybe show him this thread...

Yanbu. Go visit your mum.

Poor you! You should take kids to see your mum who's in her 70s. Tell your DH to either go with you (without moaning about it), or suck it up while you go without him.
It does highlight an issue that more men have than women - lack of social engagements, friends, social circle etc. Perhaps encourage him to make plans to meet up with family, meet some new people in your local pub or join some clubs, sports teams, hobbies etc.
My DH would love it if I said I was going away for 2 weeks and he could stay home "pottering" haha!

@AYBEECEE lots of separated/ divorced parents have to manage without their children for two weeks or more while they holiday with the other parent. I missed my children but learnt to arrange activities and trips for me that it was harder to do while caring for them.
OP' s husband needs to do the same and stop making her feel guilty for visiting her recently bereaved mother. Spending time with her grandchildren might make her want to do the trip herself next time.

YABU to go for 2 weeks. If you normally go for 3 or 4, and can afford that this summer, then go for your usual amount of time. Do not cut short the trip because your dh needs babysitting.

If he needs help for his depression, you can support him in seeking the help he needs. But ultimately you can't help him unless he wants to help himself.

God how can you cope being married to such a pathetic specimen? He can't be by himself for 2 weeks? Seriously. I would find that unbearably suffocating and the fact that he's trying to guilt you into not going is vile and controlling. Fuck him.

Would you like to be without your kids for two weeks op?

Why not? They are 8, not 8 months. This is a perfectly normal and fine thing for a parent to do.

He’s being utterly selfish, go and see your mum with the DC with not a speck of guilt!

I normally spend a good 3 weeks each summer home before DH joins us (expats) - he misses us of course but appreciates the benefit of the DC spending quality time with their extended family who they don’t get to see day to day.

Nothing wrong with taking your kids away when your partner is working. That's normal! Are children supposed to be stuck at home for 6 weeks (in the uk) because both parents can't take 6 weeks off? That would be stupid. Parents work, some of the kids holidays are without one or 2 parents.

Fair enough he misses you, that's normal too. He needs to create his own social life if he's that clingey, that's not healthy.

Would you like to be without your kids for two weeks op?

like, no one would love it.
Accept that it's better for them to go away and have a holiday than being stuck at home when I work? that's normal, aren't most parents doing that?

Can you fly her over in business for the cost of the 3 of you to go over (I'm assuming 3x economy)?

I think it would be nice for OP to get away from her ‘D’H for a while.

OP he needs to stop controlling you and sort his own issues out.

Cant believe he said your dm is walking all over you. A few weeks after losing her husband and getting too old to travel in her opinion. That's so mean. Just go. He will be fine. Your dm needs you now and the DC will give her a great lift.
Any way she would fly back with you as having company might help her on the journey.
My DH lives abroad. His wife always took the children to her dps for a few weeks in the Summer. He didn't mind. Think he enjoyed watching nonstop sports in the evenings and chilling on his own. He was always glad to see them back but would never have stopped her.

I couldn’t imagine being without DD for two weeks but then she is only 3 and it sounds like this trip is in their best interest.

Does your DP already have depression? He has no friends and rarely leaves the house. He needs to start investing in his own mental health and stop relying on you and the children for all his mental well being needs.

Well this is something I’ve done for the last ..... 16 years (aka since my first child was born).
It didn’t even cross my mind this would be an issue. Not did DH grumble about it.
Because there is no way I and my dcs will be stopped from seeing my family!!

Either yur DH can world form your mum and he is coming or he copes with being two week son his own (does he really realise how it sound to say he can’t cope with staying at home on his own??)

Of course you should go.

Why does he find it 'brutal'?

He needs to get a fucking grip.

Would you like to be without your kids for two weeks op?

Actually the other side of that question is:
Would you be happy to stop your children to see the other half of their family? To stop them from seeing their grandmother (and maybe aunt/uncles/cousins etc...)?
Would you also be happy from stopping your DW/DH from seeing their own parents?

I would be quite happy to see my own dcs going away and build a relationship their gran. Even if it creates a bit of discomfort for me.