To move Dd away from STBXH

[PIPERHELLO]

My STBXH sees Dd once a week. Doesn't help at all with holiday care, is pretty unpredictable behaviour-wise / money wise - and my life is pretty tough as a result.

My family live in Cornwall (I'm in Kent) & I'm longing to move to be closer to them. But it would make it very difficult for my Dd to see her dad v often. And I feel awful doing that. My Dd loves her dad v much.

But I'm running out of emotional energy, I just can't do this on my own anymore. And I miss my family terribly. And I miss the support.

My STBXH has moved on completely, has a new family with his new gf. So would struggle to move if we did move.

I cry often thinking of being close to my family. I feel very alone, despite good friends nearby, I feel alone.

Please be kind with your advice. Thanks.

How old is dd? Would she be able to travel alone to see df?

No, she's 5

she's 5

If you move, and he takes it to court, you'll be expected to facilitate contact by doing all the travelling.

Is that doable?

I would do it OP, but I would do everything in your power to facilitate contact between your DD and her dad. This could mean paying for petrol/train fares, driving her there yourself etc.

Sounds really tough and support is essential when you’re a single mum, you deserve to be happy too

If you move, and he takes it to court, you'll be expected to facilitate contact by doing all the travelling

Unlikely. More likely shared.

You might have to do all the travelling or half of it.

Since it’s only once a week, travelling once a week is feasible I would say.

Speak to her father and see what he says

Can't he do alternative weekends?

Not that unlikely @CanILeavenowplease - plenty of posts on here from women who have moved and now have to do all the driving to facilitate contact (under court orders) because they're the ones who moved their children away from their other parent.

The dad can also apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent the move happening at all if he feels it would be detrimental to his child and their relationship.

@CanILeavenowplease do you know this? I can't face driving that distance weekly. Also I would struggle to afford the petrol.

Also, it would take up a lot of DD's weekend...

I am sure you have heard the saying 'It takes a village to raise a child'. Your Dd will benefit in so many ways from living nearby your family. Reading your post it sounds like the love and time that your family will invest in your child far outweighs her father's. If this is the situation, then your husband has made his choice
If you are the main parent who overwhelmingly is taking on the most responsibility, then you need to reach out for support to help you honour this responsibility and make the formative years of your daughter's life at home as happy and nurturing as possible.

For you to survive as a parent you do need to reach out for Real life support. No- one can do it alone. If you have a loving, supportive family, don't think twice about moving close to them. Parenting is hard work and you need to give yourself and your Dd the best chance in lifw to thrive. Im sure you can rerurn the love and support your family bring, and make special areangements for her to regularly see her dad too.

It looks like if you move, you need to prove to the courts (should he go to court) that his time with your DD won't be negatively affected.

raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/relocating-separation-divorce-children-need-know/

He may be unlikely to invest the time and money involved in taking it to court.

If you can afford at least half of the journey every week petrol wise then go for it.

Otherwise it’s unfair to take her away from her dad and expect him to go all the travelling

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was young and my mum moved closer to her family, it was a 9 hour drive or 1 hour flight.
(I later learned that her move was less about family and more about using us to inconvenience my dad)

I was 8 and my brother was 3 - we would fly to dad on Friday after school, he would meet us at the airport, we would fly back Sunday night.
Sometimes we would bus but that took a big chunk of time out of the weekend.
It really just became normal for us.
We never had any issues with the travelling as minors side of things.

(Im not in UK, and our flights were generally through smaller regional airports, small 15-20 person planes etc)

I would go back to Cornwall if there isn't a court order in place. If he has moved on with new GF and new family, he might not be that upset. He can still see her during the school holidays. Your DD will be ok. DC are very resilient and she will soon adapt to the changes.

I would go move with your family, try to facilitate contact best you can, maybe he could go down to every other weekend but longer over the holidays? Your mental health is important. Is your ex likely to pursue it through the courts? Are you on ok terms with him? You could raise it with him and see what he says if you are.

Never give up on your dreams! PIPERHELLO if this is your dream to make a happy life, do this!!!
You make it work for seeing her Dad, too. There is always a way.

If it was fortnughtly, You could drive her once a month to visit him, and he could drive once a month to visit you daughter.

It could help you to move on emotionally so that you could be happier and fairly amicable with her Dad and girlfriend. This benefits your daughter too as she has to witness far less anxiety and bad feelings between her parents

Can you at least afford half of the petrol? That’s the most likely outcome anyway.

If you can do that and keep contact the same, go for it

You would need to clearly think about how you were going to make sure she could still see her dad. And he could try to stop you if he was that way inclined.

Thank you x

@midsummabreak your words really struck a chord. Thanks.

God I miss my family. I'm feeling really, really low tonight. And I just feel so utterly alone. I can't burden my family all the time with feeling down, and I also feel like over the phone doesn't cut it.

I have a job, friends. But no really meaningful human engagement. No one asks me how I am. Ever. I just want a gf - or anyone - to sit next to me & ask me how I am & then listen.

Sorry, wallowing!

I may raise it with him I think.

CanILeavenowplease do you know this? I can't face driving that distance weekly. Also I would struggle to afford the petrol

No. It would depend on the judge. I can’t imagine any judge would make you do less than half the travelling.

he dad can also apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent the move happening at all if he feels it would be detrimental to his child and their relationship

In the short term. Life moves on, judges are not in it to stop people getting on with their lives. If the ex is inconsistent and unsupportive, it is unlikely she would be prevented from moving. The problem is Cornwall isn’t easy to access and I suspect that may cause problems if it ends up in court.

OP - what are your plans for contact? You need to think realistically and make it affordable. For example, he would have 2 out of 3 half term holidays, the long Easter weekend, 4 weeks in the summer rather than splitting holidays 50/50 which might help. I can’t imagine you can do more than one weekend a month at that distance. What do you think?

Be wary of raising the issue with your ex until your plans are in place. It won’t go down well on here but you really don’t want to give him the opportunity to stop you. Once you’re moved, it’s harder to make you move back.

What are your job prospects like in Cornwall? Housing? Will you genuinely have support so you can work?

Thanks @CanILeavenowplease

Can I ask, are you in the legal world? You sound knowledgeable.

Yes I would have far better support to work.

He would balk at the amount of holidays you mention I think....wouldn't want it. His new gf would end up doing the childcare.

No, not legal. But I’ve been there and got the t-shirt.

My ex SIL moved 140 miles away with their 3 children. Denied contact, my Brother took her to court, he is now expected to do ALL of the travelling back and forth as she claims to have no car which is bullshit but the court took her word for it. She also refuses to let the children come back to our hometown so again he is expected to find hotels etc where they now live.