To move Dd away from STBXH

[PIPERHELLO]

My STBXH sees Dd once a week. Doesn't help at all with holiday care, is pretty unpredictable behaviour-wise / money wise - and my life is pretty tough as a result.

My family live in Cornwall (I'm in Kent) & I'm longing to move to be closer to them. But it would make it very difficult for my Dd to see her dad v often. And I feel awful doing that. My Dd loves her dad v much.

But I'm running out of emotional energy, I just can't do this on my own anymore. And I miss my family terribly. And I miss the support.

My STBXH has moved on completely, has a new family with his new gf. So would struggle to move if we did move.

I cry often thinking of being close to my family. I feel very alone, despite good friends nearby, I feel alone.

Please be kind with your advice. Thanks.

Can you talk to him? Is he vaguely reasonable?

If so, I’d be tempted to say to him that you’re not moaning, but he isn’t doing a fair share of childcare/holidays and that you’re considering moving to closer to your family as it’ll make both your lives better as a result.

I’d suggest that you’ll give him say 6 months to get himself on a more fair footing, but that ultimately quality of life needs to improve, financially it needs to be fairer and better organised or you’ll have to move.

My exh took me to court to prevent me moving 120 miles away to be near my family as opposed to living near his who wanted nothing to do with me.( understandable) He was told no and I moved. Took a few minutes was a complete waste of time.
My exh also had a new gf and wasn't seeing our 3 dc regularly at all. But he always paid on time no problems money.
I was under no obligation to drive them to see their dad. We agreed between us half way so not an issue.

Your dd needs a relationship with her df. Put her needs before your own.

You have a job, friends. You can facetime/Skype your family if you are lonely. Don't separate a 5yr old from her dad, she sees him weekly he is a huge part of her life.

The OP didn't have a child on her own but is now stuck with parenting alone and dealing with by far the greater burden of what it means to bring up a child. So the OP can hang around and struggle and her child learn that she should sacrifice herself for someone else's happiness or she can move on, get the support she needs to re-build and her daughter see a more independent mum able to provide for her. It doesn't mean that her relationship with her father is ruined but it may take some creativity and commitment to make it work.

^This

It won't benefit the OP's DD to grow up with a mother who is facing mental health issues due to isolation.

It sounds like you're jealous your ex has moved on and you haven't, as a result you're going to move his daughter away from him

What a spiteful reply, there is nothing in the OP that indicates that this is the case. He’s clearly another useless excuse for a father who has absolved himself of responsibility for his child. I don’t see how being around that would help anyone. I remember my dad wasn’t interested in me as a kid, and growing up with that only gave me issues as an adult.

‘It won't benefit the OP's DD to grow up with a mother who is facing mental health issues due to isolation.’

In the nicest possible way it’s down to the child’s mother to deal with her MH issues through therapy and making a support network for herself where she lives.
It’s not fair for the DC to have an even worse relationship with her DF because her mother can’t cope.

It might not be fair but it’s whats best for the child’s life.

The father might be a complete low life that doesn’t give two shiny shits about his DC but it’s what is best for the DC and from the DC’s perspective they need their mother to at least try and make contact as easy as possible. At 5 the DC is too young to make an informed decision either way about wanting contact etc.

Thanks for the different perspectives here. Much appreciated.

I can honestly say I'm not in any way jealous of STBXH. I'm actuAlly genuinely sad for him as his new relationship isn't great by all accounts. And if he were happy it would be far better for Dd.

My biggest concern is that he seems to be on self destruct mode & my concern is the impact on our Dd.

I think I may talk to him & explain how his behaviour is affecting our lives. And see if he can step up a bit more first. But make him aware that a worst-case option (for all) would be that I'd have to move to get greater support.

Thank you all.

To another poster, I'm not depressed. Just very sad and low at times, which I suspect is rather normal. I'm very happy the rest of the time with Dd.

Try to reach a deal with him. If he is so unreliable he may be happy to have an excuse not to see her every week, and you can arrange holiday stays instead.

@CanILeavenowplease Is making the most sense on this thread.

I moved away, ExH wasn’t happy about it honestly but he saw it was a good choice (his mother on the other hand was saying I couldn’t ) We agreed to meeting half way, three weekends a month. After about a year this took its toll financially on us both and we worked out a new arrangement with every other weekend and then a series of longer periods (a week or two weeks at time)
My DD wanted to move as well and she still saw her DF regularly and it’s worked well for us all I think.
It’s EXTREMELY hard being isolated, no real childcare help or financial help when raising a child. It’s definitely not fair on the OP OR her DD for them to struggle like this. If you can sort a decent contact schedule then I see no reason you shouldn’t move. People often say that being a parent you DO need to take care of your own needs in order to be a better parent and I think you should not suffer because he’s not being a good parent. You are trying to find a solution to be a better parent.
I’m not sure if you mentioned it, but the once a week contact, is it over night or just for a few hours one day?
Also I don’t think in anyway are you being vindictive, you’re just trying to find the right solution to a big problem.
... and Cornwall is absolutely lovely!

I think I may talk to him & explain how his behaviour is affecting our lives. And see if he can step up a bit more first. But make him aware that a worst-case option (for all) would be that I'd have to move to get greater support.

You will be wasting your breath, but kudos for trying!

There is a psychologist called George Simon who specialises in personality disordered people. There is this big myth that if you explain to said destructive person how much they are hurting people they will go 'oooh, I never knew, thank you so much for letting me know, I will change!' ie, 'lack of insight'.

Nope, that never happens with abusive selfish people.

George Simon points out that they know exactly what they are doing and what is expected of them. They just don't think that the rules (of lesser people) apply to them.

"Its not that they don't see, its that they disagree".

Personality disordered people are a bane on human life. I would like all narcissists and sociopaths to be put on an island to torment each other and leave the rest of us people who try to meet half way, and who don't want to win at all costs, alone. Bang would go most of our politicians ... ... Borderlines get a pass if they have tried hard to change (borderlines are the only PD amenable to therapy because they do care and don't like causing pain). Otherwise they can go too.

One of the most shocking things for me about Lundy Bancrofts works, is that he confirmed that abusive men know exactly what they are doing and he has heard them laugh and boast to eachother about the pain they cause

What motivates someone who is Character Disordered?
GS: It depends. There are two major CD types, the narcissistic and the "aggressive" personalities. For the narcissist, no one else really matters. The cardinal feature will be a complete indifference and insensitivity to everyone else's welfare and a pathological determination to save face.
For the aggressive characters, it's all about "winning." And while this always includes ensuring the defeat of the opponent, in some cases (as in the case with the sadistic aggressive) it's also about humiliating the other person and relishing in the pain they might be able to cause them.
So how do we deal with them, aside from divorcing them? Should we try to achieve some kind of consensus around co-parenting, for example?
GS: You have to understand that CDs don't play by the regular rules, so trying to reach consensus with them and exhausting yourself trying to get them to "see" the unhealthiness of their ways is pointless. I have a rhyme I like to use: "It's not that they don't see, it's that they disagree."
Character disordered people are not stupid people. They're contrary people. They know what the generally accepted rules are, they know what most people's expectations are. But they haven't made the decision in their heart to play by the rules most of us want them to play by. That's a matter of the heart.
Trying to reason with them to examine their behavior assumes something that is patently untrue. It assumes that what they need is insight. I make that point in my book. We live under this delusion. Therapists do this all the time! They think they are going to be the person who says just the right thing in just the right way, so that this time a light bulb is going to go off in this person's mind and all of a sudden they will understand and "see" the error of their ways! The problem is, they already understand!
It's not that the disturbed character doesn't know what they're doing and what damage comes from it. If the wounded party is crying their heart out and is miserable, it's not like you don't know what you've done and what an effect it has had -- it's right there. They already see this but disagree with the notion that they should conform their conduct and work to make amends.
They'll change only when the cost of their behavior rises too high and the benefits of doing something different becomes more clear. It's not that people can't or won't change. It's under what circumstances they'll be motivated to change. What you need to do if you're in a relationship with someone like this is set those limits and enforce those boundaries.
You must set the terms of engagement. You can't trust the character-impaired person to do it. When there is a clear cost to continuing their crazy behavior, there will perhaps be some incentive to change.
Dr. George Simon blogs about manipulative people at www.manipulative-people.com

Oops, here is the link: www.huffpost.com/entry/divorcing-the-character-d_n_3001431

'CanILeavenowplease Is making the most sense on this thread. I moved away, '

Well you would say that, as you moved away.

Mh issues, isolation etc all very challenging but a DC's relationship with both parents growing up is vital. You must know that has life long implications on a child?

It is far more difficult for a 5yr old to skype their parent than it is for an adult to Skype theirs if they feel isolated.

@BenidormBlast

My Dd DOES have a relationship with both parents, happy, healthy and supported parents may I add. She has regular contact with her DF and a great relationship with him.
Do you think that parents who live close by but only have their DC every other weekend are negatively impacting on their children?
As I said to the OP as long as there is a good contact system set up then I don’t see why it would be a problem for her to move.
I would imagine growing up with a mother who is struggling financially with no real support causing stress and upset would have life long implications too.
If regular contact can be sorted out, it seems like the best solution.
I asked if the STBXH had the DD for just a day or overnight as if it were the later and moving meant it would now be full weekends then surely that would build a better relationship for them?
I can understand your point of view where the father is heavily involved still but as OP stated, in her situation he isn’t.

Dp exw threatened to do this and we took it to court to prevent her doing so. He has the children one weeknight and eow equivillant as works some Weekends. It was successful as moving would have stopped his regular contact as he can't do weekends due to his employment.

I know your struggling but he has a right to see his child and her him. You should only move if you can reasonable and legitimately facilitate contact regularly. Eg eow for full weekend Friday night to Sunday. Otherwise it isn't okay to move.

In the nicest possible way it’s down to the child’s mother to deal with her MH issues through therapy and making a support network for herself where she lives.It’s not fair for the DC to have an even worse relationship with her DF because her mother can’t cope

Again, a simplistic view. Why is up to the mother to sort everything? The child has two parents, one of whom has already pretty much checked out. How do you get therapy if you can't afford it? Or if provided on the NHS, is provided at a time you can't get off work or is at the same time you have to pick your child up but you need to find childcare to cover (and pay for said childcare)? How do you make a support network when you have to pay for babysitters to look after your child whilst you are out networking? how do you make a support network when, as a single parent, you are the first person dropping your child off at the breakfast club and last to pick up from afterschool club (which is how it works for working single parents).

It's not fair for the DC that their father isn't stepping up and doing things fairly, but no one is having a go at him, are they? The responsibility for bringing up the child lies with both parents. Right now, only one is actually engaged with that. If he wants to be a part of his child's life, he could speak openly with mum, pay child maintenance, discuss how holiday care will work. He's not doing.

You must know that has life long implications on a child?

Lots of things have life long implication for children. It doesn't necessarily stop people doing stuff because we weigh up the pros and cons and we do what we think is best. The biggest influencer on child outcomes into adulthood is poverty (which the ex is actively contributing to) and maternal education. If mum has the support to be able to move forwards, she can deal with both of these issues simultaneously (assuming education is required). Win/win for child, no?

@CanILeavenowplease thank you. You've articulated so well how I feel here:

"Why is up to the mother to sort everything? The child has two parents, one of whom has already pretty much checked out. How do you get therapy if you can't afford it? Or if provided on the NHS, is provided at a time you can't get off work or is at the same time you have to pick your child up but you need to find childcare to cover (and pay for said childcare)? How do you make a support network when you have to pay for babysitters to look after your child whilst you are out networking? how do you make a support network when, as a single parent, you are the first person dropping your child off at the breakfast club and last to pick up from afterschool club (which is how it works for working single parents).

It's not fair for the DC that their father isn't stepping up and doing things fairly, but no one is having a go at him, are they? The responsibility for bringing up the child lies with both parents. Right now, only one is actually engaged with that. If he wants to be a part of his child's life, he could speak openly with mum, pay child maintenance, discuss how holiday care will work. He's not doing."

I hope you can move OP. I am in a similar position wanting to move to family. Would be better off financially as would get more help and better paid jobs and chance to progress. I'm having to go through the courts now though and hope to have a decision in a few months and never dispute that my child shouldn't have a relationship with their father.

I know this won't solve all the other issues, but why isn't he paying maintenance through CMS?

What would he say if you told him you want to move? Would he be upset and try to stop you? Or maybe he wouldnt if he has moved on with his life with new gf etc.

@yorkshireborn1988 sorry you are in the midst of it all, and hope you find a good outcome. Can I ask why it went to court? Was it because your ex contested your move?

@Teacakeandalatte I'm not 100% sure to be honest. I think he'd contest it. I'd like to think he'd contest it because he adores Dd & wants to see her more, but the harsh reality is he never really seems to make the effort to see her more in practice. He doesn't even seem bothered to spend bank hols with her. I suspect he'd argue it because of his dislike for me.

It's in court because we are unable to reach a decision and yes he opposes the move. Tried mediation and got nowhere. It just seems to be dragging on now. A year since separation and no further on. Just want a decision and to move forward.

It's a tough choice. But remember it will mean your DD spending a lot of time in the car in order to see her dad.

Instead of moving all the way to Cornwall, could you move part of the way, so that you can access your family in one direction but STBXH has an easier ride in the other.

For example, instead of moving from London to Cornwall, move to Bristol.