To move Dd away from STBXH

[PIPERHELLO]

My STBXH sees Dd once a week. Doesn't help at all with holiday care, is pretty unpredictable behaviour-wise / money wise - and my life is pretty tough as a result.

My family live in Cornwall (I'm in Kent) & I'm longing to move to be closer to them. But it would make it very difficult for my Dd to see her dad v often. And I feel awful doing that. My Dd loves her dad v much.

But I'm running out of emotional energy, I just can't do this on my own anymore. And I miss my family terribly. And I miss the support.

My STBXH has moved on completely, has a new family with his new gf. So would struggle to move if we did move.

I cry often thinking of being close to my family. I feel very alone, despite good friends nearby, I feel alone.

Please be kind with your advice. Thanks.

Sorry hadn’t finished typing....

Carcass will be involved if he decides to go to court, they are the voice of the children and they are only interested in what is best for the child. He can try to get a prohibited steps order, depends if you’ve already moved when/if it goes to court.

CAFCASS not carcass !

Well you BIL is silly.

• she can’t refuse to let the children come back to their hometown. He can take them where he wants on his time

• in most cases, she would have had to use public transport so clearly his lawyer wasn’t on to it or he can’t afford to pay the travel fees.

• pretty sure you can prove she has a car ?

Well you BIL is silly

Uncalled for.

You've obviously never heard of courts making unfair decisions.

If he has a days contact and it takes so many hours, most time would be spent travelling.

I've read threads on here where the father moved away and the Ex wife has to take the children to see them at her expense...that was court ordered.

Every case is different...and every judge is different.

CAFCASS! I've had negative feedback about them in the main. My colleague has to facilitate a relationship between her DC and Ex H, in spite of her DC witnessing her Ex beat her up more than once and her DC is scared of him.

I'm not sure how CAFCASS believe it's in the child's interest.

Based on this, I see no reason CAFCASS wouldn't see it in your DDs best interest to maintain a relationship with her father.... but you never know what they'll say.

I think from the sound of your ex-husband, if he would balk at spending more time with his daughter, then you would be doing him a favour moving further away, so he has less responsibility and pressure to spend time with his daughter.

CanIleaveNowPlease is wise saying put plans in place first. I would do what you can to set up things in Cornwall first.

I can't believe people on here are advocating setting things up and then telling him! What about your DD? At the end of the day, it's her mental health that should be put first! I'm afraid that the only way you should take a child away from a parent is if that parent is a danger to the child, physically or emotionally. The OP has not indicated that this is the case. So by moving so far away with her, you're ensuring that their relationship will be very fractured. But hey, I'm sure your DD will thank you one day because she may have a better relationship with an auntie or grandma than her own father.
Op, you sound depressed. Have you been to your Gp? If not, then you need to do so. You have problems now, those will not go away if you move hundreds of miles away, they will just change.

No medication can sort out a fucked up ex partner who expects to see his daughter occassionally but shows little financial or emotional support, in fact, is financially and emotionally unstable Missing family and truly caring friends who actually listen is understandable in that situation.

Balancing your MH vs less contact with a useless father, I would move to family like a shot !
Your DC will benefit if you are much happier

Being socially isolated can itself cause great misery and depression, so a move could indeed solve that

Be warned. I moved just 40 miles away and had to stick to the previous court order. I was driving around 500 miles a week. Bloody nuts.

I told exh it was changing and he didn't argue.
If your ex isn't providing regular cms I doubt he will dare face a judge tbh.
Offer to have dd Skype and suggest a week end every month or so. Meet half way.

It sounds like you're jealous your ex has moved on and you haven't, as a result you're going to move his daughter away from him. You need to put your daughter before yourself. Think long and hard about the reality of moving her away from her dad, for her. And yes you should do the travelling for contact if you move, it's not his fault if you move it's entirely your decision why should he bear the financial and time impact of it?

So your daughters father sees her weekly, that’s not “occasionally”.
If you move without telling him, the courts will take a dim view.
You would need to continue to facilitate reasonable contact, which may mean every other weekend, and at a minimum you would share the costs of this... if you move without telling him, it may increase the chances of the court ordering you to do all of the travelling.
I understand why you want to move, but you need to think about your daughter’s relationship with her dad and how you can preserve and encourage this to continue.
I would speak to him.
If he decides to apply for a prohibited steps order, it’s likely Cafcass would be involved in reporting to the court what would be in your daughters best interests.
This would take into account and weigh up the impact on your daughter of her relationship with her dad being affected by the move, but also the impact on her of having a mother who is isolated and unhappy if she did not move.
Yes, this would be stressful for you but it’s better in the long run to be open and above board and put your daughter first, and making unilateral decisions about moving will not paint things in a good light.

Sincethereis are you for real ??

You clearly have no knowledge or experience in this situation, the mother flat our refuses to hand over the children, despite a court order which is not worth the paper it’s written on. He once collected them and took them hone and she called the police and reported that the children had been abducted. The police came and advised him to take HIS children back to the mother even when shown the court order.
She then refused contact for another 6 months, yet if he calls the police to assist him in collecting them they aren’t interested - their answer is to go back to court. For a 4th time. Parents are granted these court order for visits every other weekend etc but no one actually ensures they are enforced so the resident parent can basically ignore it and do as they please.

Sorry to go off your question OP, it just makes me so cross when people think it’s so simple.

Op if you need your family around to support you in your parenting role then go for it.

Your mh is hugly important here, if you are suffering mh wise by being isolated then you will not be able to be a functioning full time parent.

Good luck abd do what is best for both you and your dd

Lots of people do it. Lots of fathers don’t care. It depends entirely wether you think he will fight you.

OP try to have the discussion with your ex to see where you all stand with this idea. Before you do have a think

1. how often would regular contact be? One weekend a month- the last weekend in every month apart from when there falls a half term that’s his (as per 2)
2. could you offer him every other half term (October half term, alternating weeks at Christmas, alternating weeks at Easter, may half term, and alternating two weeks over the summer?)
3. set aside two times a week to facilitate Skype contact
4. prepare yourself to do the lions share of the travelling
5. consider the life you could offer her in Cornwall- what sort of income and accommodation is doable for you?

He can apply to court to prevent you, but you can fight it but you have to be reasonable regarding contact and how you’ll facilitate it

Lots of fathers don't care and most won't bother with a court order

He sounds a waste of space, so just do it

I would tell him that as you can’t rely on him for help with DD or financially, you are moving to be with your family who will support you both. My ex moved 200 miles away but he travels up every other weekend (normally stays local with his DM) sometimes travels back and he’s pretty useless but it was his choice to move away but he’s stuck to it.

What about your DD? At the end of the day, it's her mental health that should be put first! I'm afraid that the only way you should take a child away from a parent is if that parent is a danger to the child, physically or emotionally

This is too simplistic. Ultimately, the OP needs to be able to work and provide for her child because her ex isn't doing that. One of the key issues facing single parents is how they balance the need to be a reliable employee with the needs of their children - and unfortunately no childcare provider will take a sick child. Family, on the other hand, will. Family will also help out when needing to travel for work purposes, or attend an earlier than usual meeting or stay later to deal with an unexpected deadline. These are all things that can be difficult to manage from a childcare perspective and end up limiting the income of a resident parent. If a father won't take on his fair share of care, he can't expect his ex to stay in an area where she has no other means of support. It is not reasonable that the OP's working life is restricted and nor is it reasonable that the child doesn't have the benefit of a stable income and a parent who is fulfilled in the work place and able to provide.

If it were anywhere other than Cornwall (or Scottish Highlands and Islands), I would tell the OP to move in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, Cornwall is tough to access and that adds something extra to the situation which the courts will look at in greater depth. This is why finding suitable housing near family and being able to say that work is likely (or have a job lined up) is important but also being able to put forward a workable contact plan.

I think the problem here is that you are thinking very much about what you need and what’s best for you rather than the fact your DD’s relationship with her DF would be ruined by you moving so far away.

How would your DD feel about that? How would she feel about that when she is older? How would you feel about this whole situation if the roles were reversed and your ex was taking your DD to live many miles away?

You are basically saying you wouldn’t be able to make the journey back once a week so what are you expecting? I presume you think your DD contact with her father would have to lesson, do you think that’s ok?

I understand you feel alone and want to be nearer family but unless you can guarantee your DD’s time with her father won’t be changed by the move then I’m really sorry but I don’t think you should.

Can you try and build a better support network where you are? Maybe spend more time with friends if possible?

Honestly I think a lot of posters on here are being really selfish persuading you that it’s ok to ruin your DD’s contact with her father because you feel lonely. They are not thinking of your DD or how she will feel in the future!

Hahaha88 - doesn't sound like the OP is jealous at all or vindictive. Just sounds like she's feeling isolated

Your advice would be best suited to the ex - he needs to consider the interests of his child by helping out with holiday care and being consistent in providing money for his child. The OP might then not find life so hard.

What about your DD? At the end of the day, it's her mental health that should be put first! I'm afraid that the only way you should take a child away from a parent is if that parent is a danger to the child, physically or emotionally. The OP has not indicated that this is the case. So by moving so far away with her, you're ensuring that their relationship will be very fractured. But hey, I'm sure your DD will thank you one day because she may have a better relationship with an auntie or grandma than her own father.
This ^^. It's not supposed to be about what's best for the parent but about what's best for the child! Depriving your child of seeing one parent because you want to move but can't afford to facilitate regular contact isn't best for the child. It doesn't matter if he's crap with money or at providing cover in holidays, she has a relationship with him. Make it difficult for him to see her and she'll grow up thinking he doesn't care and that will impact on her self-esteem and mental health.

Honestly I think a lot of posters on here are being really selfish persuading you that it’s ok to ruin your DD’s contact with her father because you feel lonely

The father also needs to play his part. He isn't. He is already letting down his child and acting in a selfish way. He is also adding to the loneliness that the OP is feeling by behaving like this. This is not all on the OP - post separation, both parents need to work things out in the best interests of their child. Being inconsistent with contact and refusing to pay maintenance are not the actions of a decent father. The OP didn't have a child on her own but is now stuck with parenting alone and dealing with by far the greater burden of what it means to bring up a child. So the OP can hang around and struggle and her child learn that she should sacrifice herself for someone else's happiness or she can move on, get the support she needs to re-build and her daughter see a more independent mum able to provide for her. It doesn't mean that her relationship with her father is ruined but it may take some creativity and commitment to make it work.

It doesn't matter if he's crap with money or at providing cover in holidays, she has a relationship with him

How do you think the OP should handle that? As a sole provider who needs to be a reliable employee to successfully provide? What are her options? How financially viable are those options? How accessible are those options?