To be upset that I received nothing for my 40th bday

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Can I start by saying that I’m not a materialistic person. Not at all. Not in any way. However I turned 40 a few days ago and apart from a homemade card from one child and three cards in the post from obscure relatives I received nothing. My husband says he’ll be booking us a weekend away as my present but he hasn’t sorted it. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that I’ve had nothing on the day (or anywhere close to it). Just something to make it feel like he actually gave a shit or made an effort. A card, some flowers, a cake, a trinket. I’ve been upset for days and have even tried to broach it but have been told that I’m wallowing in self pity. I’m aware that I am but it just seems so unfair. I know people have a lot less but I made such a massive effort for his with so many treats and surprises and all our friends have had wonderful presents and experiences. I go all out to make sure he and our kids have fabulous times on their birthdays. It’s one day in 10 years just to feel a little special and appreciated. Apologies for the wallowing. I really just needed somewhere to vent.

My DH was on notice at christmas. I told him that he had forgotten every significant date since we’d been together and I was this close to walking. I wanted to know that I was valued and recognized for everything I was and everything I meant to him. I received some tea and a plastic nurse’s kit. (Suitable for a five year old.) When I made it clear that I was underwhelmed, I was accused of being the suddenly “all about the monetary value” and not recognizing all the time and effort he had put into choosing these things (at 4pm Xmas Eve). Yeah.... who bought him a new Jeep, moved to a city she loathes to facilitate his career (again), paid for the thousands and thousands of dollars in gym equipment rotting under the house, AND the Apple Watch? Oh and modifications to the bloody Jeep, and a Sonos system? But I’m the mercenary one because I happen to think that a plastic nurse kit and tea (I drink coffee, btw) fucking sucks even when your relationship is not hanging by a thread.
Nothing worse than FAKE effort and gaslighting. He is being re-gifted the nurse shit for his birthday, along with a bag of parsnips, because he doesn’t eat them.

A plastic nurses kit. That’s just random!

I didn't even get a cheap shop bought cake for my milestone birthday. I'd been hinting for 6 months.
Pretty upsetting considering I bake for everyone, spectacular cakes to family who have requested them.

I kept thinking something would materialise until 8pm when I realised I was expected to make everyone's supper as usual. Not a cake or drink in sight! I'd never miss anyone's ordinary birthday let alone a milestone one.

I did get the odd card and nice gift but no though to a special day. Rubbish 50th really. 40th was much the same. The only time I had a decent celebration was when I was 21 and I paid for a venue and bar for friends.

I think the message is, if you want it, organise it yourself.

Belated happy birthday OP, this has happened to me too my birthday is a few days after partners, he had a big birthday last year. I brought him away for a long weekend break, presents, events out for the three days, meals out all in about 900 quid (not a small sum to me).

A few days later my birthday came around and nothing, not even a card. All birthdays and Christmas are the same, me trying to find just the right thing to show I listen and care, him doing nothing. So I gave myself a little present, a mortgage savings account, nearly have enough now for a house deposit for myself.

For those saying "Oh it's only a birthday, you are a grown up and not six years old, FFS" think on this, do you think that the person that shows no care for an event like a birthday or Christmas suddenly becomes caring in other ways the rest of the year? In general they are careless all year round, and in the end the lack of care wears you down.

The whole “men are crap at buying presents/remembering things/bring thoughtful” is pure bullshit. Those men just don’t care and can’t be arsed, plain and simple.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP, I too would feel very crushed and irrelevant. Your husbands reaction sadly speak volumes about him and how he views you. The fact he isn’t mortified that you are feeling like this would be a major concern. I cannot imagine my husband doing this and likewise I wouldn’t do it to him. Birthdays don’t need to be all about grand gestures or expense. All it takes is a bit of care, thought and love. These all seem to be missing here.

@justbreathing - I am studying nursing. I suspect he was trying to write it off as funny or something. At best it was fucking patronizing - given the circumstances.

It hurts like fuck when your partner seems to regard your special day as any other day.

I'm 50, and received 3 cards. Nothing from DP. He's (after I cried days after my birthday and told him why I was upset) made noises that he's been planning a trip as a surprise for my birthday but it's now ruined because I couldn't wait! I did point out that normally you tell the surprise ON the birthday even if it's for later in the year but he just sulked. I'll bet that's the last I hear of it, too.

Belated happy Birthday 🎂OP!

That's awful Op. Tell him how you feel. Xx

I love baking and make each of my girl friends a nice birthday cake on their special day; they all love it and there are occasional tears because they appreciate the time and thought that goes into it. It's not the money, it's the care.

I find some of these comments extraordinary. If your DH doesn’t acknowledge your birthday year after year even after being told how hurtful that is, why would you continue to celebrate their birthday at all? And why would you stay with such selfish, uncaring arses?

If it's important to you that birthdays etc are acknowledged, then you need to spell it out very clearly to your DH. He probably has no idea that you're upset about it.

Happy birthday, by the way!

@justilou1 please make a thread when it's his birthday

We won’t be together by then, the way things look, Ladies. Waste of bloody parsnips.

• honestly is 40 a big birthday ? So if you like to celebrate every birthday - then yes I can understand you were upset. That said I am unusual in that I do not actually like cake . I had a promise of a present I wanted from DH for 50th but, couldn't find the right thing. It will wait a few years longer

OK - I may be sent down in flames for this - but some people think birthdays are more important than others do. I ( for example ) as long as some one says " Happy Birthday " I am happy - even if it has 0 after it - I am not that fussed if no massive present. Sometimes a nice meal , sometimes a few flowers - I am not terribly worried about making a big deal BUT - I do get that that is my opinion and others are different. So for me not having a present or a big fuss really doesn't matter. Others with be different and so a bit of something to make the day special would be more appreciated.

If you knew your family, friends, were not going to arrange anything. Why didn't you suggest or arrange something yourself ?

I start talking about what I'd like to do months in advance

Stripe - maybe the OP wanted people to think about her birthday by themselves without her dropping hints and suggestions.

Oh OP no YANBU, poor you. You deserve better than that :(

Happy Birthday though

OP, you now know what to do about others birthdays in the future. Don't do the Mumsnet thing of being the "better person" nobody respects a martyr.

Meh I just think birthdays are for kids. When you don't have money to buy yourself things. We don't have much money now and so don't give gifts. I usually make a birthday cake though.

Feel - that may be your opinion but it's not OPs.