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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I received nothing for my 40th bday

122 replies

StandardNameChange · 07/06/2019 21:14

Can I start by saying that I’m not a materialistic person. Not at all. Not in any way. However I turned 40 a few days ago and apart from a homemade card from one child and three cards in the post from obscure relatives I received nothing. My husband says he’ll be booking us a weekend away as my present but he hasn’t sorted it. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that I’ve had nothing on the day (or anywhere close to it). Just something to make it feel like he actually gave a shit or made an effort. A card, some flowers, a cake, a trinket. I’ve been upset for days and have even tried to broach it but have been told that I’m wallowing in self pity. I’m aware that I am but it just seems so unfair. I know people have a lot less but I made such a massive effort for his with so many treats and surprises and all our friends have had wonderful presents and experiences. I go all out to make sure he and our kids have fabulous times on their birthdays. It’s one day in 10 years just to feel a little special and appreciated. Apologies for the wallowing. I really just needed somewhere to vent.

OP posts:
Passtherioja · 08/06/2019 00:05

If he's as lovely as you say then tell him you're upset and he should be mortified....then he can sort it out 🤞🏻

Purpletigers · 08/06/2019 00:11

Happy birthday !! My husband is rubbish at buying presents so now I buy my own . New painting already ready chosen for this years birthday. I’ve told him I’ll be buying a new one every year for the foreseeable .

Antigon · 08/06/2019 00:22

I love reading posts where women started matching the effort made by their partners on their birthday and then the men get pissed off 😂 please post if this is you!

Amazing how some men expect a fuss on their birthday but are too lazy to reciprocate.

tolerable · 08/06/2019 00:31

yabu. you are agrown up 40+yr old .for goodness sake.if youre pissed off stick your neck out as to who why and what pissed you off.then move on in the hope of many more happier birthdays.y can be as ur as you want.they wont throw parties bout it but find your voice

foreverhanging · 08/06/2019 07:06

The point you make about being on holiday does stand with me either - we went away for my 30th. My dh packed cards and presents in the suitcase. Your h just needs to think of somebody else for once and pre-plan. I would still be very upset.

poopypants · 08/06/2019 07:23

Sometimes I feel so sad reading MN. Also I feel very grateful that I am married to a wonderful caring dh.

Point is, it's not for him to invalidate how you feel. If you feel disappointed and let down then that is how you feel. it's not for him to dictate what celebrations are valid ones. Birthdays are not important to him? Well they are for you and a loving person treats you the way YOU want to be treated, not the way they do.

And it's not being a best friend to make you feel worse when you express your sadness.

He's being mean. In both senses of the word.

Animum2 · 08/06/2019 07:29

I'm the sort of person who doesn't care if they receive gifts for birthdays, if rather do something on the day

For example for my 40th I arranged for dh and I to go to new york, we had only been together 3 months when I told him that was what we were doing 😀

dottiedodah · 08/06/2019 07:34

To Accountant 222 ,I wish you were married to me!!. Just adore the gold necklace ,Cartier watch and mini schuazner you bought yourself,Seriously though,most men are hopeless at buying presents!. My friend also gave up and would buy herself a Christmas present charge it to him,and put it under the tree!,

babbi · 08/06/2019 07:36

Happy 40th to you 💋💋🎁

This happened to me , I arranged an amazing overseas trip for my DH 40th and a huge surprise party .
I got nothing from DH .., he did actually ask what I wanted ... I told him .. an item in the region of £50 ... he said no ... I don’t think that’s for you ?!!

3 years later his 50th came around .., again I did a fantastic trip and party ...

I left him not long after ... it just ate away at me that all efforts etc including regular day to day were on my part ..

Ps in my 18 years marriage I got 2 gifts ...
I clearly wasn’t worth the effort 😂

You are not being unreasonable at all to be disappointed....

KatherineJaneway · 08/06/2019 07:50

Sorry OP but you need to stop being so passive and read him the riot act. He's been a lazy, uncaring arse and needs to be told just that.

BlooDeBloop · 08/06/2019 08:04

I wanted to add my voice, being one of the least birthday-y people I know...I would feel hurt if my 40th had been yours OP. I agree with all the other posters that it doesn't matter his opinion of birthdays - this is your 40th - it's a landmark. Given how you've worded the OP though I strongly suspect you rarely assert your needs in this relationship - true in fact in the previous relationship where you made excuses for ex. Mostly you can get by emotionally by making excuses for your partner, you are able to put your needs to the side to fulfil other people's. This is your wake up call. The deep down lesson here is to express your needs, clearly to those your love.

GertrudeCB · 08/06/2019 08:18

What a selfish wanker your dh is
As was mine .........for his 40th I planned and paid for a trip to see his favourite band. Paid for accommodation, gig tickets, hire car, petrol, fuel , the whole shebang. This was pre DC so I worked a 2nd job for 2 months to pay for it.
Age gap so my next big Birthday was my 30th. I got.........a box of fudge and a card.And cards from DC.
By the time my 40th rolled around my dh's step mum asked him, in front of me , a few weeks before what we were doing for it- he looked blank then came out with " 40 isn't a big one, Gertie doesn't want ANY fuss"
My face must have fallen , because when we got home his step mum ( who adored him ) rang and gave him a complete bollocking. Pointed out that I had gone above and beyond on every birthday for my little family and that if he didn't pull his finger out he would lose me. He had actually assumed that if I wanted fuss I would have organized something for myself ( and presumably paid for it as well)
He is now excellent at birthdays.

poopypants · 08/06/2019 08:31

Gertie well done that woman! Glad she appreciates you x

C0mfortZ0nez · 08/06/2019 08:33

Happy birthday !Cake

I had a landmark birthday this year
I started talking about it earlier in the year
Discussed action plan
Did what I wanted to do

Perhaps, you should take a more active role in what, where, who you wish to share your birthday with

BlueJag · 08/06/2019 08:42

It's not too late to celebrate. Book something fun for yourself a spa day or something that you enjoy. I know that awful feeling of disappointment.
To add insult to injury he is telling you that you are being miserable???????
Tell him not to bother and do something just for you.

thegreatcrestednewt · 08/06/2019 08:58

Being on holiday is no exuse. My birthday was on a holiday this year and dh and packed balloons (not blown up...), banners, cards and small pressies.

You need to sit your dh down and tell him wht you've told him here. He doesn't get to tell you when to stop beng upset about something, btw!

Point out all the effort you've gone to for his bday, say he should have known that your bday was important to you and you'd have liked a fuss made of you, say you feel unloved and unappreciated that he didn't bother.

maddogladyme · 08/06/2019 09:06

Happy Birthday.

No you are not unreasonable, just honest. My children are now 14 and 12 so older and take up way less headspace (I promise that happens people) When they were young, I undured a wooden egg as one birthday gift, another with three second hand books wrapped in tin foil.

At the latter, I cried and an uncomfortable conversation occurred which said that if we don't look after one another, it's hard to keep up our mojo. We had NO money at the time, but I needed to see a little more thought in order to make me feel more valued. He felt dreadful and so did I for having the conversation but it really needed to happen.

These days I don't get massive things and nor do I want them, but we do spend more time together doing fun things, this comes as the children get older and you know what, it's brilliant.

Happy birthday Flower x

JeepAdventures830 · 08/06/2019 09:22

I was on holiday for my birthday in a hot country
At breakfast, the staff brought me a huge chocolate cake & sang happy birthday
My partner had secretly organised this the day before
So thoughtful & yes, I will remember forever !

Sparklingfairylights · 08/06/2019 10:23

Man I'd hate a spa day for my birthday, why is it assumed that all women enjoy them.

OP I really feel for you, mine didn't get me anything one year, never made that mistake again!

Chamomileteaplease · 08/06/2019 10:33

Your dh does sound thoughtless.

What has he been like on your previous birthdays? I mean, did you have any idea that he would do bugger all?

Have you reminded him of what lovely things were arranged for his 40th? Is it him who is saying you are being self pitying??? Because that is nasty.

Justbreathing · 08/06/2019 10:35

Even my ex gave me a very thoughtful present on my 40th

Shodan · 08/06/2019 10:47

This happened to me once, and it wasn't even a 'big' birthday.

XH organised nothing, not even a card. What's more, he hadn't helped ds2, who was only 6, organise anything, which upset ds2 hugely. What hurt most was that XH was on the laptop all day every day- he could've ordered something online with only 2 minutes effort.

As a PP said- something died a little in me that day.

willowsmumsy · 08/06/2019 10:47

My 40th was memorable in its own way! My husband had to work a late shift, and my parents were staying, but asked if they could go home as it was snowing heavily and they were afraid they wouldn't be able to get home if they didn't go then. I spent the evening at home on my own with 3 kids, and couldn't even drink as I was breast feeding the baby!!
I did have a lovely cake and presents though- it was just circumstances made it a bit shit!!😂😂

megrichardson · 08/06/2019 10:50

Happy Birthday OP!
I agree with justbreathing ,thoughtless and mean-spirited actions and words kill off a little bit of love each time. Turning 40 is a really big deal and it's actually unforgiveable for your OH to do eff all.

I also agree with people who say, completely ignore his birthday next time.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 08/06/2019 10:54

I organised an afternoon tea at our house for my 40th. My now exh ruined it by muttering people should be going as the day went on. He had bought himself the new Xbox game and he wanted to get on it. Anyone's birthday and he had to have a present!! Man in his 30's ffs!! Told me to go to bed long before 10pm. Shouted that the whole bloody day wasn't just about me!!
Went up crying.
Filed for divorce before my 41st...
New dh - got married on my birthday, BIG fuss now!!
If it matters to you op it should def matter to dh.

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