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Original poster

To be upset that I received nothing for my 40th bday

122 replies

StandardNameChange · 07/06/2019 21:14

Can I start by saying that I’m not a materialistic person. Not at all. Not in any way. However I turned 40 a few days ago and apart from a homemade card from one child and three cards in the post from obscure relatives I received nothing. My husband says he’ll be booking us a weekend away as my present but he hasn’t sorted it. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that I’ve had nothing on the day (or anywhere close to it). Just something to make it feel like he actually gave a shit or made an effort. A card, some flowers, a cake, a trinket. I’ve been upset for days and have even tried to broach it but have been told that I’m wallowing in self pity. I’m aware that I am but it just seems so unfair. I know people have a lot less but I made such a massive effort for his with so many treats and surprises and all our friends have had wonderful presents and experiences. I go all out to make sure he and our kids have fabulous times on their birthdays. It’s one day in 10 years just to feel a little special and appreciated. Apologies for the wallowing. I really just needed somewhere to vent.

OP posts:
Icandoallthings · 07/06/2019 22:37

I can only hope that DH has a lovely surprise in store.

Happy birthday OP Flowers Cake

cupofteaandcake · 07/06/2019 22:37

So how long have you been with your DH? How many birthdays has he made you feel important/appreciate and shown he wants you to have a lovely day. How many birthdays have you made special for him?

I see so many threads on this I wonder why there is so much expectation when the same lack of thought is repeated year after year.

My DP's lack of birthday thought very quickly made me understand that birthday's aren't important to him. So I make sure that I have something planned that I want to do for my birthday, I also treat myself to something special. Birthdays are important to me. Of course I make sure the DCs make an effort for DP's birthday but I don't go out of my way because, as I've said, his approach to everyone else's birthday is minimal therefore I conclude he thinks birthdays are not important.

OP, just treat yourself and stop making any effort for his birthday.

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 22:38

If someone did this to me. I think a little bit of me would die inside towards them.

It’s incredibly tough when someone you love let’s you down when you don’t think they will. I don’t think it’s something you can come back from. I mean you can carry on and still love them. But they’ve just chipped a little bit off the edge.

Geraniumpink · 07/06/2019 22:39

Aww that’s just not right. Get him to organise something nice for you later in the year. My usually fairly unimaginative do organised a tiny surprise party for me - (I am quite shy) I was amazed - we also went to a musical. But it did mean I felt I had to organise something special for him too!

Rainbowknickers · 07/06/2019 22:39

I saved and saved for my fellas birthday and finally had enough for the posh trainers he wanted (his day is 2 days before Xmas)
For my birthday I got a £10 money box 13 days late as he had to get paid
He also went poking around the Xmas before found his presents and dissed one knowing that’s what I’d bought
(Don’t get me wrong he’s amazing in our everyday life and it wasn’t about the money just the fact I had to show him what I wanted and stand over him when he got it)
I’m spending the same on him this year
It’s not greedy it’s just if that’s what he does for me that’s what I’ll do for him-it’s the thought that counts after all
Anyway-happy birthday!

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 22:40

@cupofteaandcake
But if birthdays are important to you. Why doesn’t he realise that. He’s not “everyone else” he’s your life partner.

If someone said to me, they found birthdays important. Even if I didn’t. I would make sure I made an effort for them. Because that’s what normal people do.
Jesus.

Icey4 · 07/06/2019 22:47

That sucks! Go treat yourself! Happy Birthday 🥳

cupofteaandcake · 07/06/2019 22:49

I agree just however you can't make someone do something that doens't come naturally to them. My point is this - it's fine, I accept he doesn't want to do that much however he cannot then expect a big deal for his birthday.

TanyaChix · 07/06/2019 22:50

YANBU. I’d feel the same. I think you need to talk to him again because if he’s told you are ‘wallowing in it’ then he clearly doesn’t understand your feelings or why what he’s done is so upsetting. You just wanted to feel like he was kern to make your day a bit more special than usual but he made no effort at all. I don’t think there’s any excuse really to ignore such a big birthday for your wife. If it’s annoying for him to be reminded of how thoughtless he is, tough. He doesn’t get to decide when this stops being upsetting for you, just because it suits him.

TanyaChix · 07/06/2019 22:50

*keen

timeisnotaline · 07/06/2019 22:56

Would love to chat to friends about it but don’t want him to look bad to be honest
YOU won’t be making him look bad. His own twattishness is why he looks bad. Tell the friends tomorrow, then tell the family at your mums. Shame him all the way. With the friends you can aim for lighthearted - holidays ok but dp might be getting early Onset dementia - he completely forgot my 40th. I’m hoping for the other option I see actually which is a curable brain tumour given dementia is a terrible disease , will send him for a scan when we get home.

timeisnotaline · 07/06/2019 22:57

And if he’s upset , that evening you can say ‘what? Is this STILL about that conversation this morning? My god could you just stop wallowing? Nobody forgot your birthday but here you are all poor me so hard done by’

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 22:57

@cupofteaandcake
Nothing comes naturally. It’s pretty much all learnt. We learn that we decide to treat others in a way that makes them happy. Even if it doesn’t come easily to us.
And if not giving a shit about anyone’s birthdays (especially your loved ones) then there is a serious empathy deficiency.
Not doing something because you couldn’t care less if someone didn’t do something for you is pretty awful.

I don’t care about having a bath. My dh loves a bath. So sometimes I pour him a bath. Not hard to think about. And that’s just a fucking bath!!!

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 22:59

Can’t do Something that comes naturally to them is the BIGGEST bullshit I’ve ever heard.

LagunaBubbles · 07/06/2019 23:08

Not sure why people are advising to go and spend money, treat yourself etc as its not about this, spending money on yourself doesn't change the thoughtlessness and lack of effort and care of OPs husband which is the real problem.

cupofteaandcake · 07/06/2019 23:08

Hey Just, I know all of this. I know exactly what it say's about him. Of course once I changed my behaviour his changed to try a bit more however in my world people do these things because they love the other person and really care about them. He just doesn't care and love me enough, just like the OPs DH doesn't value and care about her.

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 23:20

I’m sorry. I was with someone like that. It’s soul destroying.

user1497787065 · 07/06/2019 23:33

I'm happy to celebrate other people's birthdays but not my own. I'm not sure why but at least my DH and DC now understand that I really don't want cards or presents. Cards are a complete waste of money, one day on the fireplace and the next day in the fire.

Antigon · 07/06/2019 23:40

This isn’t right OP. I would stop celebrating the arsehole’s birthday too.

I suspect you will say you don’t want to be petty and will continue to treat him on his birthday, but I think it’s wrong. Stand up for yourself.

Antigon · 07/06/2019 23:41

user that’s irrelevant, this is about the OP, who would have enjoyed some fuss on her birthday.

MrsCollinssettled · 07/06/2019 23:48

I had that. H made a point of telling people months before that he would be organising a party. The week running up to my birthday lots of parcels arrived but they turned out to be exclusively for his hobby. Friend popped round on the night with a present and asked him what he'd got me. She couldn't hide her shock when he had to admit I'd only had a card. He then blustered about having planned to take me out but I'd said I was going to a talk instead. I only organised going out because it was blatantly obvious that he wasn't doing anything. I would have been happy with a bunch of petrol station flowers but he couldn't even be arsed to do that much. The marriage ended within a few months.

happymum12345 · 07/06/2019 23:53

Happy Birthday! I feel your disappointment.
Everyone forgot my birthday last year & I held it together until dinner (that I had cooked) & cried like. 6 year old child. My dh then mid meal, drove to Asda & bought me 2 dvds, missing the point completely.
I’ve ordered my own presents for my birthday next week.

Davespecifico · 08/06/2019 00:01

What a git.

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 08/06/2019 00:01

Oh I'm sorry OP, that's shit. Flowers for you.

My 40th was earlier this year and only my Mum remembered. Not one other person. I ate dinner ( a celebratory bowl of reheated lentil soup) and went to bed at 9pm.

On my 30th I organised a night out in the pub and invited 30 or so people. Everyone dropped out on the day and only two people turned up.

I understnd why you are so upset. It just feels like you aren't important to anyone. It's so hurtful.

Pippin2028 · 08/06/2019 00:04

I am sorry to hear this and understand how lonely it must be! Do something nice for yourself, leave the children with partner or grandparents, go to a spa or do something you want to do for you and be selfish for once. So many women go all out for everyone else but don't always get the same treatment in return, but there is nothing wrong with being selfish, get yourself something nice you want and do something for you