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Original poster

To be upset that I received nothing for my 40th bday

122 replies

StandardNameChange · 07/06/2019 21:14

Can I start by saying that I’m not a materialistic person. Not at all. Not in any way. However I turned 40 a few days ago and apart from a homemade card from one child and three cards in the post from obscure relatives I received nothing. My husband says he’ll be booking us a weekend away as my present but he hasn’t sorted it. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that I’ve had nothing on the day (or anywhere close to it). Just something to make it feel like he actually gave a shit or made an effort. A card, some flowers, a cake, a trinket. I’ve been upset for days and have even tried to broach it but have been told that I’m wallowing in self pity. I’m aware that I am but it just seems so unfair. I know people have a lot less but I made such a massive effort for his with so many treats and surprises and all our friends have had wonderful presents and experiences. I go all out to make sure he and our kids have fabulous times on their birthdays. It’s one day in 10 years just to feel a little special and appreciated. Apologies for the wallowing. I really just needed somewhere to vent.

OP posts:
marcus2000 · 07/06/2019 21:51

"Wallowing in self pity" How bloody dare he?? What a self centred jerk.
Make your feelings clearly felt - in writing if necessary and stop bothering at all with his "special" days. Furious on your behalf!

TheInvestigator · 07/06/2019 21:51

This is one of the reasons my ex is an ex. He always presented me with a list of things he wanted for his birthday and I would dutifully get them. I would tell him what I would like but he never got me anything, then the last birthday I spent with him, we went out for dinner and when the bill came he just stared at me and said he didn’t bring his wallet. It feels horrible. And it’s even worse when they act as though you’re the one causing the problem because they’ve done nothing wrong.

justasking111 · 07/06/2019 21:53

My OH 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th I organised big surprise parties. For mine he did nothing. When I cried on my 40th he said well I thought you would not want to be so old. He is 7 years older than me. Last year he forgot until it pinged on his FB page. I was so mad got dressed, went out to the car, he said where are you going I said Cheshire Oaks for the day, he then insisted on taking me. It cost him a rather nice bag from Coach and a bloody good lunch.

When he worked he said he forgot because he was sooooo busy, he is no better now he is retired.

You are right to be pissed off.

Notanidiot · 07/06/2019 21:53

You have every rught to be upset OP.

You can't expect too much from children. They are naturally selfish devils.

But you have a right to expect a lot more thought and consideration from your partner. It doesn't matter about what he might have planned for the weekend or whatever. He should have made a big effort on the day itself.

So pick yourself up. If you can give yourself a big treat of some kind.

Then remember to never again make a big effort for partner's birthday. He doesn't deserve it.

ohtheholidays · 07/06/2019 21:57

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR STANDARDNAMECHANGE,HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU Wine Flowers Gin Cake Glitterball What a dickhead your Husband is!

Wallowing in self pity,ask him if he feels the same when his next big birthday comes around and you do nothing for it!?

I celebrated my 44th birthday a few weeks ago and my DH bought me lovely gifts from him and our 5DC,my DD15 bought me lovely gifts and a card that made me cry and my DH surprised me with a special day out on the day of my birthday(midweek) where I got to go behind the scenes at a zoo and I got to look after my favourite animals and then we had a take away of my choice that night.

He then took me out for lunch the following day as well and at the weekend I met up with 2 friends who spoiled me rotten(we went out for lunch and drinks and I had presents and cards)in the day and then we met up that night and went clubbing and had drinks.

I don't expect anything for my birthday but I am very lucky that I am surrounded by some really lovely people and we all make sure that we make each other feel loved and appreciated on our special days.

How old are your DC OP?You mentioned other friends,did you buy them things for they're birthdays?It's bad enough if your husband has made no effort but if it's other people in your family and your friends as well then they all need a reality slap!

Accountant222 · 07/06/2019 22:01

I'm sorry you didn't get anything. I've had the same for every single significant birthday or wedding anniversary. It did hurt immensely at first but now treat him the same. For my last significant birthday I bought myself a miniature schnauzer, a lovely gold necklace and a Cartier watch, I can't wait until my next one. Be kind to yourself Smile

Mrscaindingle · 07/06/2019 22:02

Justasking why did you keep organising birthday parties for your OH when he never got you anything?

I think it's shit op especially a big birthday, I wouldn't let him get away with saying you're wallowing in self pity. I don't know how you make someone care about though it if they didn't care enough to do something in the first place.
Happy Birthday Flowers

Notanidiot · 07/06/2019 22:02

@justasking111

So he did nothing for your 40th but you still carried on and organised stuff for his 50th and 60th birthdays!!

Are we women naturally born to be doormats and have to undergo intense training to stop being one.

thegreatcrestednewt · 07/06/2019 22:04

Bengal - your h sounds shit. Why not give yourself a 50th birthday pressie of a divorce?

Op, if you make loads of effort for your dh and he is happy to accept that but then doesn’t return it, then ask him why.

Do fuck all for his next bday, see how he likes it. He’s meant to be your best friend, your cheerleader, your support. He doesn’t sound like any of those things.

foreverhanging · 07/06/2019 22:05

@justasking111

I thought you would not want to be so old

What the ever living shit !

thegreatcrestednewt · 07/06/2019 22:06

Theinvestigator and Justasking - your partners sound horrible. Why carry on putting in effort if it’s not returned?

EC22 · 07/06/2019 22:08

YANBU
Turning 40 was a big deal for me, I would have been so upset in your shoes xx

wildcherries · 07/06/2019 22:08

I'm sorry. That's shit, and his attitude now makes it worse. Stop making an effort for his birthdays.

TheInvestigator · 07/06/2019 22:12

@thegreatcrestednewt

In my first sentence I said he is an ex. I put up with it for birthdays. The first one, we had only been going out for a month so I thought it was just too early. The second one, I made excuses at the time but hindsight told me he was just an ass. The third one, I confirmed he was just an ass.

LittleLongDog · 07/06/2019 22:12

That is absolutely shit. You deserve more.

Happy Birthday Flowers

AlphaBites · 07/06/2019 22:14

That's a bit shit, I'd be upset about that too. Make sure you say something to him though, don't fester on it.

Have a Happy Birthday from from down my way 🎉.

I'd be doing fuck all for his next birthday 😡, but I'm petty like that.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 07/06/2019 22:15

OP yanbu. He has organised nothing in time for your birthday. To top it off he didn't do anything to make you feel special...doing so needn't have cost a fortune or anything at all.

I second a pp who said immediately start looking into gifting yourself something you would like. It will take the edge of it.

I knew my DH would do nothing for mine, so I told him that I would be going abroad (long haul) for a week with a close friend. We had had a fab time but I still felt disappointed that there were no presents or cards organised from him or the kids before or after my trip. 6 months later he bought me a smart watch as a 40th birthday present Confused.

blackteasplease · 07/06/2019 22:17

The best thing I ever did in this respect is get divorced. Now everyone things of and remembers my birthday, mothers day, gets mevChristmas presents. Because I don't "have a bloke to do it". When I was married he got me jack shit (except Christmas, which is hard to forget)!

Jacksback · 07/06/2019 22:22

You are not being unreasonable at all
Go and treat yourself to a lovely present and return the ‘ no interest ‘ favour on his bday
I too had a birthday this week and a number of people said oh see you sat ( at a different Friends bday ) rather than making an effort on my day . Not impressed tbh ( understatement )

Cruelstepmother · 07/06/2019 22:22

Throw a really big party. Invite everyone you have ever met to celebrate your 40th birthday in 1 months' time. Tell them it's because your family were too mean to bother but you still feel you deserve a bit of fun.

MaMaMaBelle · 07/06/2019 22:26

Aw that's rubbish op
I also turned 40 this week, Happy birthday Cake

Justbreathing · 07/06/2019 22:28

That’s fucking horrendous
Availability shocking

It’s a big birthday. All it takes is a cheap little something that’s thoughtful. I know you love XYZ so I got you some. Jesus

It’s different from organising a party. That I understand. You can do that yourself go a certain extent.

BUT A SMALL CARING GIFT.

that’s the smallest you should expect.
And that goes to all of you that think it’s ok to get fuck all.

Jesus. If I got a bunch of seeds collected from a pretty plant on a walk together I would think that was super sweet and thoughtful and it costs nothing
This is NOT about money

mybeebop · 07/06/2019 22:30

You are not wallowing. You have every right to be upset. You are spending your precious life with somebody who doesn’t care enough to make you feel special on your special day. It’s truly crap :(

Original poster
StandardNameChange · 07/06/2019 22:30

Thank you so much everyone. Apologies if it’s drip feeding but we were on a family holiday for the actual day as it was school holidays. However I booked it and paid with it from money I scrapped together and he still could have fashioned a card from a post card or got up early to get me a coffee in bed or any number of easy gestures. I really don’t know what to do. Would love to chat to friends about it but don’t want him to look bad to be honest. That thought in itself makes me feel awful as I always hid my ex’s bad behaviour and I know I shouldn’t have to do that. No chance of a surprise as I’m out with friends tomorrow who he doesn’t really know (they’re taking me out for bday) and in the daytime it’s my mums bday so we’re going there (where hopefully they’ll have a present for me). Would love to whack something huge on the credit card but we need to be careful with money. He’s not one to celebrate anything tbh but will usually buy me a valentines card on v day or some chocolates for mother’s day. He’s a great dad and my best friend. He makes me laugh so hard all the time but this thoughtlessness has upset me so much. I love the feeling of making people feel special on birthdays. Cooking a lovely meal, filling the room with balloons etc and I don’t do it so people will do it back but I would have never expected this. I’m tempted to walk out the door tbh.

OP posts:
MorondelaFrontera · 07/06/2019 22:32

That's not right

Regardless of people think about birthdays, if you Dh knew it was a big deal for you it's unforgivable not to have done anything.

How are your family finance? I would throw a huge party, and get everyone to celebrate with you.