Large families

[MadamMMA]

I have 3 kids and just manage to give them all the individual care and time they need, how do people with large amounts of kids deal with this or are they just processing them iyswim

The fact is that even if ALL your time is dedicated to your dc the number you have will dictate how much time each actually gets. If you've got five/six hours between school pickup and bedtime that's the time you have to allocate to whatever number of children. It's simple maths! And that's before you consider that babies and toddlers demand more of your physical presence so no matter what's going on with say, the 8 year old, it will often have to wait while the parent corrals preschoolers and feeds a screaming infant.

How much time you spend with your child is partly down to your lifestyle and partly down to work pressures.

I don’t work and DH works 8-4. Most days he’s home before the teens. We’re lucky enough to have a cleaner and to send the ironing out.

We have much more time for our kids than I did as a single mum of two who worked long hours even though we now have 6.

Because of the ridiculousness of houseprices and the likes some people have to put their children into childcare 8-6 every day then they have to squeeze in dinner, homework and quality time before bed at 7/7.30/8.

How much time you have for your kids is much, much about the pressures on your life than the number of kids you have. If I had 3 yes I might have more time for them, but they are lucky enough to get more time than very very many children get because of our circumstances.

ImNotHappy it's not simple maths. Fewer children/ more time for parents to do other things. Those with larger families have less time that's all and there are ways to manage multiple demands at any one time.

I come from a large family - the eldest ended up parenting the youngest and they struggle to let go of that role 30 years later and that has left it's scars, I can't be doing with their crap and lack of respect any more and I do think it is to do with my parents abdicating parental responsibility onto my older siblings.

I don’t think the number of children are important as much as the attitude of the parents . I’m the eldest of 4 , I love my siblings and feel very fortunate to have them in my life . We’ve become good friends over the years , moreso since we all left home .
Did I have attentive parents ?
Honestly no I can’t say I did . Our childhood revolved and took second place to the farm I grew up on . Still does tbh .
I didn’t dance with my dad on my wedding day because he left to go home and check a cow who was about to calf . This hurts more than I can ever put into words and I’m crying just typing this .

I’m so glad you started this thread, reading some of the sad stories has made me think twice about having more children. As others have said the parents generally don’t realise I guess how the children actually felt. In Ireland I know so many families with 5 kids but generally it’s the grandparents who do huge amounts of the work

I liked being part of a large family, I certainly don’t feel my eldest is bringing anyone up, or that I was brought up by my siblings. I think this crap is trotted out by people to shame larger families. Some parents aren’t great, some are brilliant but they have all sorts of sized families.

I am from a large family and DH has one brother. His family were very well off and they went to private schools had foreign holidays etc. All looked great on paper but actually the reality was much different as his parents were too busy with their work and social lives to bother with their children. We didn't go without but things were pretty tight at times and yes older ones had to pitch in and help. I didn't really mind as the same was expected in every family. I would say that overall I had a happier childhood and have closer relationships with my parents and siblings than DH does with his.

i think its down to the parenting and not the number of children

i know a couple with a 7 y old,hes been in childcare from 8am to 6pm 6 days a week since a week old,yes a week as she went straight back to work,she worked till 39 weeks come out on the friday by the tuesday she had him,he never left work

the boy goes to breakfast club by 8,school then childminder till 6 then in bed by 8

then a friend from my home ed group is a single mother and has 6 between ages 8-14(she became single when youngest was 6 months, all the same dad) and she spends 24 hours with them,3 has asd

they have never been in any day care or nursery/school setting since birth.she even had all the babies at home in a birthing pool with the childrens around

i have the 2(14 and 8)we adults spend 24 hours with them as they have complex special needs each and numerous disabilities each

They are rare but very unfair.
DD has 2 friends from a 5 DC family, both are the eldest, although they are both very mature, they always have little siblings with them, they definitely don't get much quality time.
It probably won't do them harm but it is slightly sad.

I enjoyed being part of a large family and never felt that we went without our parents time or attention. I didn't mind helping out with household chores or looking after younger siblings, in fact I offered to babysit in place of the lazy childminder as I felt I could do a better job. My parents rewarded me financially and always made sure I had time for study and seeing friends. I liked the sense of responsibility and I think it helped to prepare me for leaving home and becoming a parent myself.

How many teens these days are prepared for the next step? Many cannot cook, they have no sense of responsibility, their parents fuss, fret and micro manage every aspect of their lives so much so they cannot cope with life in the big bad world. I am not advocating child labour but I just think that it's not all bad for kids to help out and have responsibility it might actually do them some good.

I was the eldest of 2, and my DB was exactly 2 years my junior. My DM expected me to watch him, to play with him etc. He was the Golden child and a badly behaved little boy. I would get the blame for anything he did, as I "should have known better".

Later when we were left chores to do he would just disappear off to his bedroom and I would get it in the neck for being lazy . I felt very much as a child/teen/young adult that 2 children is the wrong number. If one is the favourite then the other just isn't. Stupidly, my DM was the eldest of 2 and felt exactly the same about HER younger brother, yet still did it to me.

DB went off the rails bigtime in his late teens and DF expected me to sort it out. I really wished there had been another sibling to shoulder the burden. Similarly once my DM was widowed it's me she looks to to look after her. DB can't be bothered.

Because of my upbringing I said I'd have either one or three, not two. Ended up with five. Four within 5 years, then a late baby 15 years later. Not once did I ever expect any of them to look after their siblings. I was very conscious of not putting demands on the (then) only girl.

We couldn't afford daycare so we worked around them in shifts. Me and DH passed on the stairs occasionally, but there was always at least one parent available. FIL retired when DC3 was at playgroup and took a big part in looking after the younger ones because he asked to, not because we demanded it. He felt he missed out on his own DC.

The older ones (late 20s/early 30s) reminisce when they get together about how hands-on their dad was.They all keep in touch with each other independently of us and will meetup and go out when they can, so I don't think we can have done that bad a job.

Unfortunately they aren't tolerant of the youngest and she's ended up a billy-no-mates. I'm hoping they'll connect with her more when she's an adult.

HI EVERYONE

I JOINED MUMNETS JUST so i could comment on this section. Why does it all have to be so negative god those post would scare anyone.

I come from a big family 1 of 9 and yes the eldest at times had to babysit us and yes not everyone got everything they wished for growing up but i wouldnt change it for the world we are extremely close.

There is so much more to raising kids the just being rich enough
to spoil them as you like, its difficult and the constant judging am i a good mom/dad im providing the best etc
why did i react that way, tomorrow i will change i will be the best me for my kids. ps dont forget that the comparing yourself to others families you dont want to but it happens. Its easy to complain as kids we didnt go on holidays i got hand me downs, you dont appreciate your parents until you become one yourself in general terms not saying that coumts for everyone. Still why dont we help each other instead of hanging a rip sign over each others head lol.

I have four all quite close in age. They all have had enough attention individually I think. One is very introverted and doesn't interact much with the rest of the family but he has his own room so has his own space. It's the household chores/ cooking etc that is relentless rather than the parenting.

My eldest is 16 then 13, 12, 4 and my youngest is 4 months. There's no way the older ones have time to babysit or look after the younger two.
16 yr old gets home at 3 then revises for his GCSEs between 5 and 8. After that the evening is his time to relax.
My dd who is 13 gets home at 4:30, studies from 6-7:30 ish and again the evening is hers to unwind before bedtime. She does however read in bed with lamp on whilst 4 yr old is sharing her room for the Next few months.
12 yr old was the youngest for 7 years and so enjoys getting upto mischief with 4 yr old.
They've never changed nappies, bathed or had to exclusively babysit the baby. We wanted a big family and it wouldn't be fair on the kids if they had to shoulder the burden of it.