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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Large families

164 replies

MadamMMA · 07/06/2019 09:54

I have 3 kids and just manage to give them all the individual care and time they need, how do people with large amounts of kids deal with this or are they just processing them iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
MadamMMA · 07/06/2019 13:30

I guess I feel that we are bringing people in to the world not just having babies and should consider them when we make decisions as to how many we have. Babies are adorable and it can be hard to say that part is done but I don't think having ten more is the answer

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 07/06/2019 13:34

I'm from a very big family I can honestly say I was never a mother surrogate to my younger siblings. Nor was I expected to do any housework. We were all left to our own devices a lot though our parents didn't ask about homework or push us etc. We all knew we were loved though and we are all very independent adults now.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 07/06/2019 13:35

Slightly different perspective on looking after the younger ones, here.

We were only 3 growing up, so not a huge family, but I always had a fair number of childcare responsibilities. I’m 5 years older than my younger sister, and from the time she was about 1 I would often help feed her, get her dressed, eventually help her and my brother with homework... my parents left me at home in charge of the younger two for various evenings out starting when I was around 10. Not all the time, I should hasten to add. Probably one night every couple of weeks.

Sometimes it was hard work but it helped me to develop a lot of independence and a strong bond with my siblings that has carried on into adulthood. I don’t resent having childcare duties at all, and that experience came in so handy when I had my own two kids. Those early newborn days... if I didn’t feel like a competent caregiver already, I can only imagine how overwhelming it would have been! I think my parents did a great job, in giving me chances to contribute to our family’s well being and learn useful skills.

Pinkvoid · 07/06/2019 13:39

I was one of two although I’m my Dad’s only child and I don’t think I got all that much 1:1 time because my parents worked a lot and prioritised other things... It was the same for my friend in school who was an only child with a single Mum, his mum worked too much to give him adequate 1:1. Having one or two children doesn’t necessarily mean you can offer lots of positive 1:1 time at all.

I have four children aged 7 months, almost 7, 8 and 9. The older ones don’t pick up the slack with the baby in any way and I still make sure I give them all daily 1:1 time. They read to me individually at bed time, I do homework and school reading with them 1:1 and I try to have days out with them all once a month as individuals. I currently have more time with the baby because I’m on maternity leave so that’s inevitable but it doesn’t mean the older three suffer.

Original poster
MadamMMA · 07/06/2019 13:40

Interesting uptomyelbows, I had a much younger sibling and did a lot of the looking after but I think I demanded to do it :) it stood me in good stead too when it came to having my own

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RomanyQueen · 07/06/2019 13:46

I was one of three and we have had 3.
Neither my childhood nor my dc missed any attention or 1 to 1, I'm not sure I'd have wanted more than 4 myself, and settled for 3.

You can have one child and them grow up lonely or without 1 to 1 from their parents.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 07/06/2019 13:47

I can see that my youngest DSC struggles with having 3 siblings, however seeing as he was unplanned I'm sure he'd prefer to be the 4th child rather than to have been aborted.

Snowflakes1122 · 07/06/2019 13:47

To a certain extent it depends on the parents.
You could have disinterested parents and be an only child with barely any attention, or one of 6 with parents that are great.

I don’t know if that could apply to an extremely large family though. Even the greatest parents would surely struggle when they had 10/20 kids.

Original poster
MadamMMA · 07/06/2019 13:48

I'm sure he would MyCat

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 07/06/2019 13:49

My four kids don’t get “processed” btw Grin

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/06/2019 13:54

Have you ever seen any programmes with the Duggar family in, they manage by using the older girls as slaves and not actually parenting any of them.

I know this won't be all families but even with 4 I know I didn't always give the care my children needed, I did try though and they know they are all loved.

SingingSands · 07/06/2019 13:55

My "auntie" (not by blood, mum's best friend since they were at primary school) was one of 14. FOURTEEN!

She is only close with one sister and one brother, they basically split into packs. And yep, the oldest kids had to look after the youngest. There are some siblings she's had no contact with for 30+ years. I don't think you can expect to be close with 13 siblings!

EssentialHummus · 07/06/2019 13:57

It's something I often think about as an only. The point about helping with childcare and how it's seen as a negative is interesting - DH was raised in a tough environment and he and his brother were expected to help out at a young age. Not "help" in a staged way, but quite practically getting on with tasks at home or in the garden. And his brother (4 years older) was expected to mind him at times. DH now sees it as an inevitable but positive thing. I guess the difference is in degree and need?

Millie2018 · 07/06/2019 13:57

When I had one child I didn’t know how anyone could possibly have the time or energy for two. Now I have two and I think the same about anyone who has three... I’ll stop at two.
I was one of four. I often wondered why my mum had so many. She was stretched to the brink - financially, mentally, physically. It felt like every day was a struggle. She took on the majority of the load and went back to work full time once the youngest started school. She got ill in her 50s and died before retirement. I often wonder if working so hard and looking after 4 children contributed to her illness.

KindnessCrusader · 07/06/2019 14:01

It depends on the parents. Disinterested or lazy parents will be poor parents to 1 child or 10 children.

WinkyWoo3 · 07/06/2019 14:02

My DS’s best friend is 1 of 4 kids. The mum is a SAHM and it’s too much for her to manage. He’s quite a naughty little boy (I think to get attention) and he copies words and actions from his older sisters that are inappropriate in a younger group and he doesn’t get pulled up on it. Added to this, he’s the only child in the class whose mum doesn’t write Christmas cards for him to send to his little friends. And at class birthday parties they invariably try to dump him on another parent as they rush off to pick up one of the older girls from ballet or swimming or something. For some reason, they’ve just had another baby. I feel sad for the little boy who gets barely any of their attention as it is.

Fundays12 · 07/06/2019 14:02

My hubby is in the middle of 6 kids and basically says him and the other middle one got ignored (his sibling says the same too). The oldest 2 were the golden kids then the next 2 just left to get on with it. The youngest 2 who were a good few years younger were spoiled.

I am 1 off 2 but my parents worked 12 hour days 6 days a week and were to tired of busy to spend time with us so even with 2 kids we got no time.

We have 2 soon to be 3 kids but I am pretty much a SAHM (work one day a week but dh has them then) and feel anymore than 3 kids means some would miss out. We won’t be having anymore for this reason. However my kids get a lot of time with me and dh too. My eldest has actually commented how lucky he is that his mum and dad are always around and have time for him.

KindnessCrusader · 07/06/2019 14:04

@WinkyWoo3 that just sounds like they are poor parents full stop.

Damntheman · 07/06/2019 14:06

Oh I don't know about not being able to be close with 13 siblings :) My friend (the one whose brother is dad to 11) is one of 12 and they're all pretty close. Admittedly there are only ten of them now due to a horrible road accident a few years ago but they are still pretty tight.

It must depend on personality. Some large families will remain tight knit their whole lives, others will break off ASAP because that's just the way they prefer it.

troppibambini · 07/06/2019 14:07

I'm an old not child and hated it.
I'm a Sahm to four dc.
I love it and they most definitely get the attention they need but and this is a huge but it's because they are pretty much all I do. I don't work we are financially well off and although I don't have a cleaner at the mo I do have a gardener and help with ironing. My dh is very hands on and takes them out for a good few hours on his own at the weekend and also baths and does bed with the three younger ones.
I also have i very strict homework timetable and the kids have to keep their bedrooms tidy and help out with jobs when asked.
I'm completely aware that this is not normal for most people though and is about as far removed from my own childhood as possible .

mabelsgarden · 07/06/2019 14:07

Trying to ignore the fact that the OP is horrible and judgy (are people just processing children? WTF?!)

I know a bunch of 'big families....' Some where the kids were born in he 50s and 60s, and some where the kids were born in the 1990s/early noughties. Some

mabelsgarden · 07/06/2019 14:07

Posted too soon sorry! I will continue.........

troppibambini · 07/06/2019 14:08

*im an only child

Pinkvoid · 07/06/2019 14:09

Yeah I don’t think that’s anything to do with having four children winky, they’re just poor parents.

goodbyestranger · 07/06/2019 14:09

I have eight DC aged 29 down to 17 and the older ones have never looked after the younger ones nor done excessive amounts of household chores (unless voluntarily, for pay). They did share bedrooms but as they've grown up that seems to translate into being very flexible and easy going with uni and subsequent house shares; they can all also work in a noise more readily than most. Obviously there are downsides but those are probably equalled by the upsides of plenty of siblings. I taught all of them to read and did that each night from the age of three to whenever they could each read independently but I've never ever helped them with any homework - that's for them, not for parents. I think it's very likely to be the case that intervening with homework holds DC back, rather than aids them.