Large families

[MadamMMA]

I have 3 kids and just manage to give them all the individual care and time they need, how do people with large amounts of kids deal with this or are they just processing them iyswim

I am breathtakingly well organised it has to be said [modest].

So anyway, I know a number of families where the older ones WERE expected to/made to wait on the family hand and foot, and look after the younger kids (especially pre 1980s) and some other large families where this didn't happen. I mean, they were asked to contribute with chores a bit, but it wasn't THAT bad...

Also, most of the big families I know/have known (I am talking 5 or more kids,) are almost ALL really close as adults now, and all have loads of nieces and nephews. (Often between 12 and 20...) So there is a big family circle........

Lots of people I know (all my age 40-55 ish) who have 4 to 6 siblings, and 10 to 20 nieces and nephews, have a great social life, because they are SO many family members, and at LEAST once a month there is some kind of celebration or family party or meal out.

A few of them have complained about the cost, and feeling like they are always chasing their tail, but it's great (in many ways,) that they have SO many family members.

Not everyone in a big family is going to get on really well, and there are sometimes one or two siblings that don't get on with the rest, and I have heard some people say they felt 'left out' as the 3rd/4th/5th child of 6 or 7 kids....... But by and large, I think long-term, a big family can be a good thing....... ....... As I feel there is almost always someone to turn to/rely on.

I'm second eldest of a big family and never 'looked after' the others. We played together and I probably did help, I was 10 yrs older than the youngest, but it didn't feel like drudgery/ slavery/ a burden at all because they are my siblings! We had fun and are all really good friends.

I don't think every child necessarily needs their own bedroom, there is something to be said for having the company of a sibling. If you have 10 plus children I don't see how you can do anything other than 'process them' if that makes me 'horrible' then so be it!

I think if people are really honest with themselves there are sacrifices their kids are making. They might do less extra curriculars or holidays or whatever but there are things that you compromise on.

But then they benefit from having siblings. Which is pretty awesome. So I think it balances out.

I do get the processing thing, in a way. Sometimes it does feel like a conveyor belt line of bums to change and teeth to brush and dinners to plate up. But that's when your not paying attention properly to how amazing and unique children all are. Just like anything, you can go onto parenting autopilot and of course that's more likely to happen when you have more responsibilities to meet. But you could be a crappy disinterested autopilot parent to one child, and take a conscious and constant interest in every one of your 10 kids. Not everybody is up to being a parent to that many kids, it's a lot. I find 3 kids is full on tbh.

Belated congratulations to @pinkvoid on the baby, I should've been clearer when I said large families I should have stated extremely large

That's exactly what I meant by processing @Freyasmum, I think we all have days where we think we only processed our kids that day. Yes 3 is a lot and pretty full on. That is very true

@MadamMMA

I don't think every child necessarily needs their own bedroom, there is something to be said for having the company of a sibling. If you have 10 plus children I don't see how you can do anything other than 'PROCESS them' if that makes me 'horrible' wink then so be it!

WTF is wrong with you?

Just stop FFS.

Gosh there’s so much assumption around this!! I have seven, admittedly with fairly large gaps between some but very short between others, none have ever put others to bed, fed them, done their homework, anything that is MY job as the parent. I don’t get older ones to babysit either, ever, as I chose to have the younger children and will not palm them off to siblings and cause resentment. They have all had my time as I am not lazy (many parents I know of 1-2 kids seem to spend more time on devices themselves than any child) but they have also all had the fun and laughter that their relationships with each other bring. They know they have each other, always - as somebody who sadly has no family left I’m very glad my children will not experience that loneliness.

Yes I don't recall processing my eight apart from the bathtime shift tbh, which doesn't seem to have lasting negative consequences.

I was the eldest of 4 and the only reason mum could ‘give’ the younger two a good upbringing is because my sister and I did most of the actual upbringing. That’s usually what happens in large families where there is more than a 3-4 year age gap - the eldest kids grow up too soon, and the parents don’t even realise that the reason why their younger kids are so ‘easy’ to raise is because they are going to the older siblings for their emotional needs.

This.

Nonsense Jaxhog, it's much more likely to be because everything is easier with practice.

I had a family member who had a very large family in double digits.
Not one of those children have gone on to have a large family. Only one has over 2 and another has none.
Clearly none of them felt it was so great they wanted to replicate it for their own families.

Society has changed across those two generations Don'tsweat. That will have a major impact too.

I am on the other side of middle aged and all bar 2 of these children are older than me. I oldest is over 70 and the youngest in just over 50. So it is not a case of generational change. In fact all those who had children are now grandparents.the whole extended family is pretty large but none have gone on to have a large family. The largest was 4 children who have each gone on to have two.

I know a mum of 2 with a 10 year age gap and her eldest helped a lot with the younger one. Is this only a bad thing if you have 4 or more kids?

You'll never get parents on here admitting they had too many kids. It's something I worry about though. Is my desire for DC2 going to make me a worse parent to DC1 (the answer is yes), is it going to balance out by the benefits of having a sibling (only time will tell). Too many kids can turn a good parent in to a shit parent.

Fwiw, my dad fully admits 5 was too many and that by the time 5 came along he was done. He loves 5, but he wanted to enjoy his time, not go through nappies etc all over again. He believes 5 was too many for my mum. My mum will not admit that there were too many of us or that it impacted her ability to parent.

Its a lot to do with each family set up. I am a lot closer to my 4 than my friend with 2 is. She even outright says that she feels this way.

I know mine are better behaved than the single kid next door who may get a lot of 1 on 1 time but gets from what I can see zero lessons in behavior and manners.. I have told him outright to not speak to me the way he did once he came to get a ball from the garden (now his dad comes for the balls)

They are Similar behaved to my niece who is a single and had all of my sisters attention.

I am more comfortable with what my 4 are capable of doing compared to my friend who has 2 both seems incapable of doing anything for themselves expecting mum to do it all.

I have a friend with 6 (and her husband as a 7th ) they are a close and tight family who lives in a 3 bedroom house.. Personally that would drive me crazy (we live in a 4 bedroom and I think that is tight for 6 of us) However my friend loves it and they are well mannered lovely and polite children (she has 3 who are similar ages to one of mine and who were in school together so I have had them over a fair bit)

I have another acquaintance with 6 where 1 of them is completely off the rails (in trouble with police skipping school has been expelled from 2 schools ) 1 won a scholar ship to a very prestigious boarding school. He is doing well for himself and 1 is just middle of the road normal sort of child you meet (she is in year 7) I don't know the younger 3 very well so can't comment too much there.

I don't feel I have not given mine 1 on 1 time and they now (late teens early 20s ) will come and say they would like some time if they feel the need. However its rare they do they usually want to be around their siblings and enjoy it...

I don't think it is as easy as to say " Large families = they dont get 1 on 1 attention) and single children = spoiled brat.. As It is simply to do with each set up and it will be great for 1 and not so great for another..

At my maternal grandmother funeral my mother said as we drove to it that she had been her favourite.. Made me ask each of her siblings " who did you feel were her favourite?" 7 siblings in total and they each answered with a sheepish laugh" "me"
Isnt that amazing?

That is lovely @Enko

I'm one of six. I never felt that I had to bring up the younger ones. Sometimes we might be asked to keep an eye on the baby or to babysit while Mum went to the grocery store. There was a time when I had to start dinner once a week because Mum was taking my sister to her piano lesson and my brothers had Scouting in the evening. (Mum taught me to make simple meals.) When I got older I was asked to help with some of the driving. But that's about it.

My sister did help a fair bit with our youngest brother, but that's largely because she likes babies. (She is certified as a nursery worker.)

We were homeschooled and Mum made sure we all got individual time with her. Mum taught me how to cook and sew. She supervised and helped with our music practice (all of us played instruments - piano or violin).

You make the time. We never felt it was "assembly line" attention - at least I didn't.

I have 4, which I believe is the absolute limit for being able to give children the individual time and attention they need. There is a big gap between my first 3 and youngest 1. My older DC most definitely did not help to bring up the youngest - the absolute most they did when she was small were things like watching her when I went to the loo or passing me baby wipes during a poo explosion. They weren't left to babysit while I went to the shops or did chores.
But I have mostly been a sahm, I have very supportive parents living close by who were happy to help me and babysit when I asked. I think these are the reasons I had time to tutor my oldest DC through GCSEs and A Levels and why I am able to drop everything and help them out when they need it.
If I had been working ft I think I would have had a smaller family. I don't in all honesty see how parents can raise massive families without passing on a lot of the childcare to others. Maybe if they are super rich and can outsource laundry, cleaning and cooking!

FTR - as far as baby-sitting, Mum's practice was that if you had to babysit because she went to get groceries or something, that was an expectation. If you were asked to baby-sit because she and Dad wanted to go out for the evening or something, you were paid. We were allowed to babysit other people's children, too, but Mum didn't want us to feel we HAD to because she wasn't paying us.

I'm the eldest of 4. Our DF had custody, and he was, and is, brilliant. There's just under 5 years between us all. I never felt like I missed out. I understood the younger ones needed Dad more in a practical sense but he made sure I knew I wasn't any less important and loved by him as much as my siblings. Bedtime used to be a wild fantastical story our dad made up then he'd carry the younger 2 up to bed while DB 1 and I followed up. He's settle them then come in and settle us. Never any jealousy.

You cant give multiple children the same attention you can give one or two, its just logistically impossible.

Most larger families Ive come across tend to rely on older siblings looking after the younger ones to some degree whilst the mum is busy concentrating on the new baby.

That's so lovely @jenesuisplus