Large families

[MadamMMA]

I have 3 kids and just manage to give them all the individual care and time they need, how do people with large amounts of kids deal with this or are they just processing them iyswim

I'm the second youngest of 8. Admittedly there's a large (18 year) gap between number 3 and 4, but the final five are all 1-2 years apart in age. My parents did it I think by my mum totally giving everything of herself. The eldest did not raise the youngest, we all had personal time with our parents and I never felt my mum didn't have time for me. I have no idea really how she did it, but she did. My dad retired when I was about eleven, he was 53 when I was born. He was very young in spirit though, so always had energy and patience with us all, he was an amazing dad - he died two years ago and I miss him every day.

Still, I think by having the energy to do it (it's not about age, my mum was 41 when her youngest was born and she was just as energetic with her as the rest of us), and the patience to not really have any time of your own then it's doable.

I sure couldn't do it! I stopped at two for a solid reason. That said though, I LOVE having grown up within a huge family. My siblings and I are all (mostly all) very close and are a great support system for each other.

Your parents sound awesome Damntheman

My friend's brother has eleven :D All within two years of each other. I have no idea how they do it! His wife is an energy rich hero, I admire her a whole ton. The older ones do not raise the younger, they all seem really happy. It's a very loving family, I think the pair of them were just sheer naturals and born to it. It's lovely.

Thanks OP!

How on earth do you afford 5 children? The logistics alone, you need a bigger house a bigger car, child care, then there’s uni, driving lessons when they get older. Holidays must be so costly. No idea in this day an age you could afford more than 2 children? Council houses don’t exist anymore?

I just think that logically parents only have a finite amount of time and energy and the more children you have, the more demands there will be on these resources thus reducing each individual child's share. This is especially true where babies/small children are involved as we all know how time consuming and demanding they can be.

Without using the older children to help with the demands of the younger ones then it's very hard to understand how these families can even function. It's incredibly challenging to keep numerous small children safe in public places and attending medical appointments or running errands would be seriously difficult with so many children in tow. The domestic chores and school admin associated with lots of children would be crazy too, let alone trying to devote enough 1 on 1 time with each child. All I can think is that the type of upbringing in these kinds of families would be very different even if it wouldn't necessarily be objectively classified as worse than a conventional family. Personally it's not the kind of childhood I would want for my kids.

I know that feeling :) Some of the larger families I've seen on documentaries seem really happy and others the kids say they don't get enough time and some of the parents just seem to be stuck with an obsession over the baby stage. I just always wonder how there can be enough hours in the day but yes it is age gap dependent and not every family will expect the eldest to do a chunk of the child rearing

I know some people would be horrified at the thought of 3 and for me it's my financial and emotional limit.

I was 1 of 4 and do recall my parents (who were loving and did the best they could) never having time for us. I do remember not being able to go to them with problems or discuss things like uni or career plans. And my mum was a SAHM. Father had a good career/income. But I definitely don’t resent them for it. They did their best and brought me up in a big loving (chaotic and sometimes a bit dysfunctional) family.
I love having so many siblings (even though relationships haven’t always been perfect) and love family gatherings to this day.

I have two DC. Would love more, but I think we need to take responsibility for climate change also. Although we stopped flying years ago, don’t drive and are almost vegan (maybe I could have another ).

I'm the youngest of 4. Siblings were 14, 12 and 2 when I was born, so my eldest brother was 18 when I started school. They were both off to university by the time I was 6.

My brother and sister were given a car in exchange for some light babysitting. My mum worked from home, and mostly actually usually had the neighbour's older kids around with us whilst they were at university (when I was say, 6, there'd also be my sister, 8, a friend, 9, and a 14yo). We'd either be at theirs or ours.

Mind you, this was a rural, semi-feral, out all day except for meals type upbringing. It's a wonder we all survived it.

From the many documentaries I watch they just get the older kids to raise the younger ones! (I do love large family documentaries)

thecatsthecats That sounds fun, you were lucky to have freedom like that growing up.

Leavesandgreentrees, yes I think you should :)

My parents have 5.
Despite having our own rooms, there was not enough time and attention for each of us and I still resent my mother for that. I was envious of other kids with only 1 sibling or no siblings at all.

My youngest brother was born when my mum was well into her 40s and thank God he didn’t have Down syndrome for example. Nothing against disabled or special needs children, but when my parents had ‘only’ 4 kids without special needs it was already impossible for my mum to attend my emotional needs and her answer was always the same when I complained about that: I have more kids to look after then just you! My mum refused any additional medical check ups during pregnancy to check if DB had Down syndrome as she wanted to have the baby regardless (which is obviously in her rights to decide ofcourse) but looking back, I think she could have thought a bit more about the needs of the kids she already had at that time.

I know one family who manage a large numbers of children well. mum is a sahp, dad involved, 5 kids with about 2 years between them.
i know 4 families who do indeed process their kids (4-7) - the oldest taking care of the youngest from a very young age, individual needs discouraged (e.g. all kids need to play football no matter if they want etc)
it seems to be possible, but requires full commitments and significant organisation talent (and 2 parents)

"I was more thinking 10-20 kids rather than 5"

Op, you should have made that clear from the start. We had no way of knowing you were referring to that.

I’m the eldest of 5. My 7 year old is an only child because I didn’t want him to have the same experience I did. I’m really close to my siblings as adults so there are positives.

I think there is a point where it becomes impossible to give the DC enough attention. DH was one of 12 and none of his siblings had so many DC ( rural North Africa - I suspect his DM had no access to contraception 50+ years ago).
DH and I have 2.

I was the youngest of 4 and felt pretty forgotten to be honest. I was pretty much left to my own devices.

I'm the 2nd of 5 and I was mostly left to my own devices. My mother was a SAHM and she meant well, but she was emotionally unavailable to me to a greater degree during my childhood. I understood why (even at the time) because there were younger siblings who needed more, but I envied my friends who came from smaller families. My father was always cold and distant and I soon learned not to even bother approaching him for anything.

I’m one of five. My dm liked babies. As soon as each of us got to three, she lost interest which is why there is 4 years between each of us

I have 4 and did worry how I’d give them all the attention they need. But now that I’m here I see that what they lack from us, they get extra stuff with having siblings. The balance is slightly different than if we had two but for every negative there’s a new positive too. They still get daily cuddles on their own with me, I make sure to give alone time to each one regularly. We are very comfortable financially so they’ve had a very engaged and involved nanny since birth of second who is a great team mate for me and DH who both work full time but me from home and strictly 9-5. Only the eldest is at homework stage but he is getting lots of support and the others will too. We cheer each other on and they have more people to play with and make up adventures with (all very close in age). There are expectations to cooperate and help being part of a bigger bunch of kids getting meals sorted and out of the house etc. but I see that as a positive thing (4yr old helps baby get shoes on, 3yr old gets a wipe for a spillage). If I’d only 2 they’d not need to muck in so much but I don’t want to raise lazy entitled kids so try hard to involve them all in the running of our lives and home. Pluses and minuses but like all these discussions, it’s never about the size of the family or the type of the child. It’s actually about the level of love and support and care that a family is based on. That is the decider of success of kids.

Thanks for this thread, it's really interesting. I only have the one DC and am envious of big families.
I'd have loved 3-6 children in theory so it's quite nice to hear the downsides of lots of siblings.

(In reality I think I'd have really struggled with that many but it seems so lovely)

Firsttimemama true, I was going to entitle my thread overly large families but thought I'd get stick for saying overly :)