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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed about this?

91 replies

Whyhaveidonethis · 06/06/2019 20:25

I took a call today from my (nearly 10 year old) DS's class teacher. She called me to tell me that my son had had a discussion with another child at lunchtime and the conversation went along the lines of: child a "xx is really a girl", child b then replied "is he going to kiss xx?“ to which DS then added" are they going to do sex?“. That's it. That's the full conversation.

Well apparently this has now resulted in him being given a lunch time detention. Apparently he shouldn't use words that he doesn't understand.

Totally prepared to be called unreasonable about this but that sounds like absolutely normal 10 year old stupidity and talking. I'm honestly baffled as to why the school rang me to tell me this? I had been in a meeting at work and had to step out of the meeting to take the call so I didn't actually ask any questions but I've been mulling it over ever since as to the point of the whole thing?

The school themselves held an assembly last year on LGBT (without asking parental permission, much to the disgust of some parents —not me) and how some people love the same gender, and to let them know that a boy who was going to come back the next week as a girl, was to be treated like a girl. Surely they can't expect kids not to learn about sex and relationships. I agree it is probably not appropriate to talk about it in the playground, but surely the school should have just dealt with it by telling him off. Not sure hwy they called me at work to inform me of my DS being a typical 10 year old? AIBU? Have I missed something? They were clear that it wasn't a safeguarding thing so it's not that?

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 07/06/2019 02:36

It is absolutely not "typical" at all and it's vastly inappropriate for him to discuss another child in this way.

You ask if you've 'missed something' well quite frankly, it seems you've missed talking to your son about appropriate boundaries and respect.

When does it stop being "Typical" and become a problem for you? When he's 13? 15?

AlphaBlocks · 07/06/2019 02:54

Seems typical to me. School were overreacting

Beautiful3 · 07/06/2019 03:18

Think thats not right what your child said. My daughter is 9 and if she said this I'd explain why it was wrong and support a lunchtime detention.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/06/2019 03:44

10 year olds talking about sex is just not ok. Other children don't do this. Why should they be exposed to that? It's disgusting from a child.

They might know what sex is but they should NOT be speculating on other CHILDREN "doing it"

Aveeno2017 · 07/06/2019 03:56

Sad reflection of today's children I'm afraid they know far to much. At 10 no they should not be discussing sex..in year 5 they are only learning the basic stuff.

Dvg · 07/06/2019 04:03

I'm very 50/50 as he obviously doesn't understand what sex actually is but at the same time he should know it's inappropriate to talk about it.

And why does he feel that because a kid is now a girl that means they will have sex?

I do feel it is a normal thing for a kid to start mentioning unfortunately, in a lot of schools sex education is taught at age 6 and above but I also feel he should be taught that it's not something you discuss.

StoppinBy · 07/06/2019 04:05

It sounds like the school have not dealt with the other child 'coming back as the opposite sex' in the right way. Of course the children will be curious and I think more so if there has been a big deal made of it with half facts handed out.

I actually don't think the school had the right to give the children all that information in the first place without parental consent.

I think they need to go back to the drawing board and come up with a program with the in put of parents before bringing it in to the classroom if something like this happens again.

In your child's circumstances I think they should have taken time to first discuss it with both of the children's parents and then with the children to clear up any confusion/questions before issuing punishments.

Flyingkites123 · 07/06/2019 04:09

I'd say at 10 kids are starting to get curious about sex and their bodies. Lots of 10 year olds really are starting to discuss sex with their mates and they're also navigating their way around how to appropriately discuss it.

Would have been much more helpful to explain to your DS that other kids might get upset if you suggest they're about to have sex with someone. He really isn't a bad or immoral kid here, he's just learning and figuring stuff out.

Now the teacher has only taught the kids not to get caught talking about sex around adults. Which is a shame because it would be far better for him to believe he could have an open dialogue with adults about such an important topic.

Bigmango · 07/06/2019 04:41

Sounds totally normal to me as a year 6 teacher. I would have dealt with it in school. Probably not given a punishment, but would have made him squirm a bit by telling him I knew what he said and that it wasn’t appropriate. May have told mum but just as an FYI and to say to maybe have a convo at home. Kids pick up stuff from everywhere. This is not a shocking reflection of today’s children. 10 year olds have been using words they didn’t fully understand in the playground forever.

Lovestonap · 07/06/2019 04:55

I think YANBU. 10 year old boy saying something silly and inappropriate about something 'rude' they don't fully understand. Sounds normal. I think a simple 'sex is something for adults and not something to talk about in the playground' should have sufficed from the teacher. I knew (a bit about) what sex was at 10. Not from inappropriate exposure, my mum had bought a Claire rayner body book.
If there's a safeguarding issue by all means get a parent out of a meeting, otherwise wait til end of school day and have a 'word'.

redcaryellowcar · 07/06/2019 05:37

I think school have handled it very badly. Seems to me like a brilliant opportunity to clear up some basic facts, if they aren't sure what sex is, they ought to be told, just like any new words children will try them out during play, (not suggesting they should 'do the sex??') But I think just issuing a detention and not allowing them to talk about it is missing a huge opportunity to develop understanding.
I have s 5&7 year old and whilst we have not discussed the full mechanics of Sex, as soon as they ask any questions I will answer them as honestly as possible, I think whilst they are young, they will far more likely ask questions without embarrassment and that can only be a good thing.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/06/2019 05:40

Completely over the top reaction by the school. Kids say that sort of stuff - it's normal at their age. Punishing him for doing so sends out entirely wrong unhealthy messages about sex.

I can remember by two sons (now well adjusted men aged 18 and 20) saying stuff like that around a similar age - no-one was punished, the world did not end and we all moved on and forgot about it. The school are making a huge issue over nothing.

Antigonads · 07/06/2019 05:43

Total over reaction by the school.

WaitingForMyFabric · 07/06/2019 05:45

weird over reaction from HennyPennyHorror goodness kids do talk about such things, it’s on all mainstream TV programmes.
It’s not the end of the world, and I’m sure they have already forgotten about it, as it wasn’t important ( the boys)

Nanna50 · 07/06/2019 05:58

Over the top reaction from school. Detention is a punishment not a good way of educating and helping the child understand that their actions are inappropriate.

A child receives detention for using words he doesn't understand, but is expected to understand that another child at school has identified as the opposite sex?

At 9 I may not have been asking if someone was going to do sex but there was a whole lot more I wasn't asking or trying to understand. Children are now exposed to far more at an earlier age.

Databreachnamechanger · 07/06/2019 05:59

Child psychologist here: think this was entirely normal for the child to have spoken about in the context that he did. Sounds like he was working through the information that he had and that he had been wondering about sex, when this happens, and who does and doesn't have sex. I think the reaction of the school is disturbing and is likely to give your son difficulties in being able to talk about new ideas about relationships. Talking through is our process of working out, and the school have implied that this process is wrong and that the subject is different and dangerous. What a shame. It'll be hard to normalise talking about this sort of thing now.

cantfindname · 07/06/2019 06:04

BIGMANGO agree fully.

This really isn't a whole lot different to the ghastly stage of toilet humour they all go through. The school are making a huge issue over something that would have been forgotten in five minutes. How on earth can you punish a child for saying something he didn't even understand?

Yes it was inappropriate but he and his friend should have been quietly taken to one side and told this. I fail to see how they could go through the 'gender change talk' and not expect some chat of this nature.

The boys would have forgotten it in 5 minutes, as I said before, now though, they will remember it as being the cause of their detention.

AguerosAngel · 07/06/2019 06:10

Total over reaction by the school.

YANBU.

pictish · 07/06/2019 06:11

It’s normal for a 10 yr old to be aware of sex and the vague notion of it, yes.
Those who think it denotes something unusual are wrong. It isn’t unusual at all. They have awareness of the world around them and they all pick up on different things. Sex, of course, is everywhere. We use it to sell everything. It’s kind of a big deal.

Think it’s good that the school want to take a stance on respectful and appropriate behaviour but I think punishing him was the wrong tack to take. Shaming kids into silence only compounds the confusion and lack of understanding. Poor management of the situation in my opinion.

justilou1 · 07/06/2019 06:16

If school decided to “educate” the kids on the subject, they should have also taught them how to deal with this socially, including how to speak about it and what NOT to say. Yes, your kid was being silly. If your kid’s school hadn’t brought it up in the first place, I’ll bet your kid would have been oblivious because you don’t sound like the type of parent that would have been making a giant fuss about this kid at home or at the school gate.

pictish · 07/06/2019 06:19

10 year olds talking about sex is just not ok.
It’s very common.

Other children don't do this.
I can assure you, they do.

Why should they be exposed to that?
It’s all around them everywhere they look. We’re culturally obsessed with sex and like to factor it in to just about anything.

It's disgusting from a child.
No, it’s not. It’s normal curiousity.

They might know what sex is but they should NOT be speculating on other CHILDREN "doing it"
Speculation is part of how the learn to make sense of the world. How else are they to learn but to ask questions?

You sound scary Henny. I wouldn’t like to make an unintentional gaff in front of you.

AphidEater · 07/06/2019 06:21

I don’t think it’s the biggest deal in the world - I agree it’s a daft / exploratory conversation from your 10yo. but your son does need to learn that speculative conversations of this type are inappropriate, and a detention seems like a sensible consequence. I would hope that along side it they would explain to your son that speculating about others having sex, particularly when it’s not something you really understand, is a no no.

bugaboo218 · 07/06/2019 06:30

A total overreaction by the school!

DM1209 · 07/06/2019 06:34

I have an 11 year old DC and this is not normal or appropriate to be talking about at school! Cannot stand patents that normalise such things as 'usual playground stuff' it isn't! School have taught what they have in an informative and educational context, this is not! My DC asks me questions about this stuff a lot as things by children like your son get said and passed off as 'it's just talk' the latest being a 10 year old asking her if she would like to have sex with him!!! And this is a naice school in a very naice area! It always seems to be boys that are overtly sexual and her questions have included asking me what is a wanker? Is a prostitute able to work as a teacher and rumours that x girl is having sex with x boy!!!!

Educate your son that while curiosity is fine, there is a time and a place and school is not that place!

b0bb1n · 07/06/2019 06:35

A boy coming back as a 'girl'. Announced in a primary school assembly. I despair

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