To be miffed about this?

[Whyhaveidonethis]

I took a call today from my (nearly 10 year old) DS's class teacher. She called me to tell me that my son had had a discussion with another child at lunchtime and the conversation went along the lines of: child a "xx is really a girl", child b then replied "is he going to kiss xx?“ to which DS then added" are they going to do sex?“. That's it. That's the full conversation.

Well apparently this has now resulted in him being given a lunch time detention. Apparently he shouldn't use words that he doesn't understand.

Totally prepared to be called unreasonable about this but that sounds like absolutely normal 10 year old stupidity and talking. I'm honestly baffled as to why the school rang me to tell me this? I had been in a meeting at work and had to step out of the meeting to take the call so I didn't actually ask any questions but I've been mulling it over ever since as to the point of the whole thing?

The school themselves held an assembly last year on LGBT (without asking parental permission, much to the disgust of some parents —not me) and how some people love the same gender, and to let them know that a boy who was going to come back the next week as a girl, was to be treated like a girl. Surely they can't expect kids not to learn about sex and relationships. I agree it is probably not appropriate to talk about it in the playground, but surely the school should have just dealt with it by telling him off. Not sure hwy they called me at work to inform me of my DS being a typical 10 year old? AIBU? Have I missed something? They were clear that it wasn't a safeguarding thing so it's not that?

Completely normal; they’ve done sex education by then and I imagine even the most naive child has asked where babies come from by then.
School completely over reacted; haven’t they just taught him that sex is something naughty and not to be talked about? That’s a great message to send as he goes into his teenage years.

As a teacher I would have told him not to talk about others in that way as it could upset someone else. I would have also said that adults can have sex not children. They over reacted. Kids do talk about sex and actually it is part of growing up to do so. It is not detention worthy. I am guessing they are seeing it more as gossip about the trans child and are trying to stamp this out quickly. I think you should open up a discussion with him, explain why this kind of speculating about others is a bad idea and move on.

Have they not had some form of sex ed? I only know one 10 year old but she had a sex and relationships class recently and came home talking about how willies go into vaginas and girls bleed out of their vagina (but she wasn't putting anything in hers, ever!).

I thought at that age they vaguely knew what sex was and talked about it - it's a normal part of existence and humans are obsessed with it. Kids see it everywhere (music, tv, movies, adverts, games) they are going to discuss it, we are naturally curious animals. The school way over reacted imo. They had a perfect opportunity to discuss what is and isn't appropriate.

DM1209 in the nicest way do you think these children really understand what they’re saying? Kids like saying that they know are “naughty” and I don’t think we help that by making a big deal of it as it makes it more of a thing for kids. Same theory for teenagers; make something forbidden and they’re far more likely to want to do it.

Kids at 9/10 do need to be aware of sex. Girls start periods at that age sometimes. I assume boys go through puberty at a younger age as well occasionally. And if we don't discuss sex with our dcs how are we supposed to explain puberty? How do we explain same sex relationships? Where babies come from etc.

It sounds as though the 2 boys were just trying to work out what happens after someone changes from 1 gender to another and who that person may be attracted to. And they also may have a vague idea that sex is penis in vagina, and trying to work out what happens when it's 2 vaginas or 2 penises.

Complete over reaction by school and I would be emailing or calling to discuss with them how they are going to support the other children in school, apart from the child who has gone away as a boy and come back as a girl.

It's absolutely normal for kids that age to be curious about sex and make comments like that. They're 10! My son hit puberty at 11.

Overreaction by the school, however I expect they are trying to ensure the trans child doesn't have any problems or anything that could be construed as bullying.

Not sure that detention is the best way to handle a child using a word he barely knows about. Way to set him up for issues down the line.

Yes indeed, girls can and do start having periods at 9/10. That’s a very good point. What do you say to that...the fairies sent them?

Soooo the school holds an LGBT assembly and yet a child is not meant to mention anything related to it. Ridiculous overreaction on the part of the school.

I love the way so many parents know what a child of X age should be talking about. So not anything to do with the assembly then.

The question is really why does your son think that a boy who is now identifying as a girl will have sex with a certain boy. Does he think all girls in his class have sex with a boy/this boy? The answer is no. Therefore him talking about sex in this context is the same as any boy talking about children in his class having sex. He is sexualising a situation that does not need sexualising. Do you think it would have been appropriate to say about any other member of his class? I assume not. Why is it any different because he said it about this child. It simply isn't.

Treat it as an opportunity to teach him that members of the LGBTQ are not perverts. Teach him that it is in appropriate to suggest any 9/10 year old is having sex!

I wonder how school thought it would play out, having a discussion about LGBT, how some people love the same gender, and in the same discussion, introduced the fact that one of the children was identifying as a different gender to the one they had presented as up until now.

I think, it is completely normal for children to have questions at this age and the response should have been to give the children the opportunity to discuss their thoughts making it clear that children do not have sex and that it is unkind to speculate about who has feelings for whom.

(though putting a real world slant on this, children are exposed to this from the adult world, all the time, I give you Love Island!! It is very difficult for a child to understand why some things are up for discussion for adults but not for children. )

DS is 10 and is currently having sex education in class.

We are in Scotland. May be that’s not taught in class in other areas but basically, yes the talk about it.

It's time for a talk to your DS about respect and boundaries, it's not ok to discuss people having sex at the age of 10.

I'd be making very sure he isn't being inappropriate often and this is the final straw with the teacher. Nip this in the bud now OP before he becomes one of those inappropriate teen boys (the type my poor DD15 has to endure making inappropriate comments and sexualising every conversation...I honestly don't know how these boys were raised to think this kind of if talk is ok)

Wow I'm shocked by the reaction of the school and some people on here. I think it's normal. I'm in my 30s and clearly remember in primary school having whispered conversations about kissing and sex. Saying equally stupid stuff, because we had no idea what we were talking about.

Anyone that says that kids of that age don't talk about that kind of stuff in the playground obviously don't know what their kids talk about. Just means their kids haven't been caught talking about it.

They've had sex ed most likely and then the assembly as well, so yeah they're curious. The school has dealt with both aspects in a piss poor way

I'm in agreement with the school. As long as in detention they are spoke to and explained at how inappropriate those comments are. Especially for a 10 year old.

Massive over-reaction by the school. Of course children of this age are curious about sex. If they watch any soaps on TV they will have seen plenty of references to this sort of thing.

It certainly didn't warrant a detention. I'm with you OP and also can't believe some of the reactions on here.

It's very silly indeed to say that it's a punishable offence for children to use words that they don't understand. That's an inevitable part of learning, and it would be absolutely stifling to try to prevent it. I have memories of coming out with the word "embezzle" at the age of around 8, having seen in a book; I didn't know what it meant and used it in the wrong context, so learnt when an adult explained it to me.

Punishing children for mentioning sex is not ok, especially as they are growing up. Shaming like this can warp young minds.

Kids that age talk in that way. Anyone who says they don’t arent being realistic.

They don't only talk about it in the playground. Last evening I was walking through the village behind a boy and girl from the local secondary school. I know from their tie that they are 11. They were talking about sex in graphic detail, in a very relaxed, conversational manner - not giggly or whispery, certainly loudly enough for me to hear, just as if they were discussing the weather. I crossed the road because I was and didn't particularly want to overhear any more.

dizzy my son is 10 and recently got into trouble at school because he made a comment about having sex. He's started puberty, has had sex Ed, has a book I've given and read with him about all this sort of thing and is currently reading a Wimpy Kid book aged at 9 year olds all about girlfriends and dating. You can't and shouldn't stop then knowing about this stuff and I an teaching him how and when to talk about it. But he's 10 and doesn't always get it right. Making comments about 'how they're raised' is really bloody offensive when I spend a huge amount of time researching, thinking and working with him about how to understand and deal with this. I wish I didn't have to for another 4 years or so but I do. If we're going to be so open about sex and not see it as something wrong or dirty, which is isn't, we have to accept that kids will know about it at an age when their maturity level isn't going to always let them make the right choices.

My sons incident resulted in a serious one to one chat and email home to me, not a punishment but a learning opportunity. I was mortified and if course took it up with him and there were sanctions at home but what worries me more is that v young kids are at risk of having far more sinister motives ascribed to their comments than they mean. My son is just twatting about, as a pp said, on a par with toilet humour. He's not actually trying to do or mean anything sexualised in the way we understand that word. It's like a 5 year old describing someone with dark skin and having a note made about a racist incident. It's not, they'll learn, and hysterical OTT reactions don't help.

DS1 will be 10 in February. He doesn't have a clue what sex is...I'm not even sure he's aware of it as a word.

I'm not sure if the school overreacted or not. Kids are notorious for trying out new vocabulary so it could be nothing.

And yes, would like to add my voice to those expressing incredulity at some of the reactions on here to this normal behaviour.

These people are unreal.

I don't think they should be dissuaded from talking about kissing and sex and it's natural they should be a bit silly about it as these are new concepts to them and they're probably aware they're a bit taboo.

I think the teacher should have had a discussion with the kids about how the other child might feel and why it's important to be sensitive. She could have explained that sex is something that happens between adults not children. I think just giving them a detention and blowing it up into a huge deal sends the wrong message that they can't talk or think about these ideas.

I used to be a lunchtime supervisor many many years ago. I can tell you that Primary 1 children were known to have discussions that referenced sex, where they clearly understood what was going on, though they could not phrase it correctly. Why anyone is surprised that a 10 year old child might mention sex is beyond me.