To be miffed about this?

[Whyhaveidonethis]

I took a call today from my (nearly 10 year old) DS's class teacher. She called me to tell me that my son had had a discussion with another child at lunchtime and the conversation went along the lines of: child a "xx is really a girl", child b then replied "is he going to kiss xx?“ to which DS then added" are they going to do sex?“. That's it. That's the full conversation.

Well apparently this has now resulted in him being given a lunch time detention. Apparently he shouldn't use words that he doesn't understand.

Totally prepared to be called unreasonable about this but that sounds like absolutely normal 10 year old stupidity and talking. I'm honestly baffled as to why the school rang me to tell me this? I had been in a meeting at work and had to step out of the meeting to take the call so I didn't actually ask any questions but I've been mulling it over ever since as to the point of the whole thing?

The school themselves held an assembly last year on LGBT (without asking parental permission, much to the disgust of some parents —not me) and how some people love the same gender, and to let them know that a boy who was going to come back the next week as a girl, was to be treated like a girl. Surely they can't expect kids not to learn about sex and relationships. I agree it is probably not appropriate to talk about it in the playground, but surely the school should have just dealt with it by telling him off. Not sure hwy they called me at work to inform me of my DS being a typical 10 year old? AIBU? Have I missed something? They were clear that it wasn't a safeguarding thing so it's not that?

@MyGastIsFlabbered my parents didn't think I knew what sex was at that age, I did, I just didnt want to tell them, I bet your son does as well, he probably knows lots of things he doesn't want to tell his mother

I wonder if the school would have taken the same stance if they'd been talking about a 'biological girl'? Sounds like positive discrimination to me - 10 year olds with a basic knowledge of biology are bound to be curious and confused on how someone can change gender and what it means. This conversation just sounds like a clumsy attempt to articulate this. School can't just announce that the boy is now a girl and not expect the kids to talk about it!

I think the school have handled this badly and I would want to know what happened in the detention, ie was it purely punishment or was it an opportunity to talk to your son?

I think punishing children for using words that they don't fully understand is totally bizarre. How does it help?

Yanbu OP.
I agree with child psychologist poster up thread (I am a psychotherapist for full disclosure). Sounds entirely normal to me for children to be exploring concepts around sex and bodies and who does what to whom, especially when one of their male classmates is now apparently identifying as a girl. That is complicated for a lot of adults to make sense of let alone primary age children.
Weird overreaction from school in regard to normal curiosity imo.

Seeing that those children will have some sex education at school that will go in much more details in 6 months time, the school
1- is naive to think children don’t know about sex
2- is giving the wrong message - you can learn about sex in class but don’t you dare ever talking about it.
3- seeing that 50% of children will have seen porn before. Leaving primary,, their focus is out of line.

MyGast if this is the case, your child will struggle next. Year with the sex Ed class. And even more in less than 18 months when they will. Start secondary.
When are you planning to talk about sex to him?

I think the school have completely over reacted too, in fact, I'd be tempted to have a conversation with them, to find out exactly what they consider the problem is, that needs such a harsh punishment. Kids talk about things they've heard of, often getting the context wrong. Its how they learn. It seems ok to me that a 10 yr old boy has heard about sex and is trying to make sense of it, particularly in relation to a child who has changed gender.
If a teacher has overheard the conversation, I'd expect them to step in and correct the boy's misunderstanding and explain that speculating about specific people is inappropriate. I'd also expect that to be done in private so the boy is not embarrassed in public. Conversations about sex should not be shameful, or a punishable offence.

Oh it does make me laugh when people think their darlings don't know about/talk about sex.

As a Year 6 teacher, I can assure you that they both know about and talk about sex. It's very normal. They also talk about gender, sexuality etc.

DS1 will be 10 in February. He doesn't have a clue what sex is...I'm not even sure he's aware of it as a word

Your son is both curious and confused and how is this confusion and curiosity handled, with disdain. In this instance the school’s response was terrible and your response is well punish him but don’t bother me about it.

He’s 10 for crying out loud, he’s getting his information from left right and centre. The school and his parents should be guiding him not punishing him.

The school had a golden opportunity to educate and they chose to shut it down instead. I agree, this was an overreaction and a really sad choice made by the school.

They were likely trying to protect the trans child but actually ended up stifling a discussion which could have lead to better understanding. I'd be upset too OP!

It's totally normal for ten years olds to discuss sex, they should be guided in these discussions with insight and knowledge instead of left to fumble their way through the topic alone. Only through education can we reach acceptance, understanding and avoid things like teenaged pregnancies.

Your school seems to have a bizarre attiotude.

The school held an assembly last year on LGBT (without asking parental permission) and how some people love the same gender, and to let them know that a boy who was going to come back the next week as a girl, was to be treated like a girl.

If they're happy to teach that it's possible for a boy to become a girl then they should be happy to teach sex ed??

Is the 'xx' they were talking about the transgender child? Sounds like they're trying to process information they had been given and only partly understood. Teacher could have said that (a) it's not kind to talk about other peope like that, (b) sex is for adults, not dc. Overreaction imo.

I'd have thought just telling the child not to talk about things they don't fully understand, especially when it concerns someone else. Detention is a bit OTT. Kids pick up all sorts at that age and come out with some gems. A bit of firm talk is all that's needed.

I have a 10 year old dgs and I can imagine him having a conversation like this. I also can’t imagine the school taking such a draconian attitude. It sounds normal to me. I was teacher for over 30 years, have 5dc/sdc and 9 dgc. I have been asked so many questions over the years. The recent LGBT awareness is rightly tackled in schools and pupils will talk about what they have learned.

Good to hear that most people think inbu. Obviously I intend to tell him not to talk about things that he doesn't understand fully and if he has questions to ask me. I think I'll call the school and ask what exactly their point is?

For the record, I'd normally have spoken to him last night but he was at his dads.

Awful reaction from the school

Educate your son that while curiosity is fine, there is a time and a place and school is not that place!
that school is an inappropriate setting for curiosity and discussion! Baffled at the posters that say 10 year olds do not or should not know about and talk about sex. Are these kids peddled the stork story when they ask how babies are made?! Or are they the type of completely incurious kids who have never thought to ask how babies are made? Either scenario is concerning to me. I would expect all 10 year olds to know what sex is and would anticipate them talking about it amongst their peers.

I’m totally baffled at the idea of not talking. About things you don’t know.
Does it also appply to adults or only children?
And in a school?

@HennyPennyHorror many many other 10 years olds talk briefly about sex. Everyone at my school did - we knew about it so we were curious even if we didn't fully understand it. We'd had sex Ed by then.

Stop being so accusatory.

The schools reaction is completely over the top and probably very confusing for your ds. So, they can have an assembly about LGBT, but the children are then never allowed to mention it again or ask questions? What message is that sending them?

I also find it quite hilarious that some people are adamant that their child knows nothing of such things/shouldn't have it inflicted upon them. By year 5/6 most dc have moved on from cbbc, some waaaay further. That's not to say it's right, but there's always one that will come out with some bit of "truth" that will make you splutter out your tea. Have had some very odd conversations trying to 'put my dc right' when they have been misinformed in the play ground, but think that it is important to do just that, rather than shut the child down and tell them to never speak of such things again. Dc are naturally curious, if they can't discuss these things or ask questions, well, then what?

I'd agree that your ds probably needs to have a conversation either with you or the teacher, but I think punishing him is not really going to be helpful to anyone.

What confusing messages we send out; we use sex as a commercial commodity, it's used as a selling aid; it's sung about, filmed, written about. It's a fundamental part of consumerism. Taught in schools (rightly so), and written about daily in newspapers and magazines.
Of course kids are aware of it and will be curious and talk about it.

But a child is punished for talking about it.... in a teaching establishment. YANBU.

@MyGastIsFlabbered I'd find it very unusual if your son really didn't know what sex was... I remember discussing what blowjobs were aged 8 ffs. Any of us who've grown up in the last 20 years have infinite information as soon as a classmate gets access to a phone or computer

This reminds me of a conversation I had when I was 10 with a girl of about 12 years of age who was trying to wrongfoot me. She asked me if I knew what a virgin was. Then she said not a virgin like the virgin Mary a VIRGIN.

I was confused, because I knew what the virgin Mary was and I knew why/how she was a virgin so I understood all that, but I had no idea how there could be a different kind of virgin and I was quite upset.

Much later I realised that SHE didn't know either and was just trying to make me cry.

But these conversations Are how children navigate sexuality and their bodies, and how to talk about it.

Huge overreaction by the school it was a learning opportunity for both your son and the school and it was handled very badly.

Echoing pretty much everyone else, YANBU.

The school made their first mistake in making such a huge deal of 'a boy coming back as a girl' and gave the kids no further information.
They're going to be curious!
You cannot just drop that on small children, with no further discussion, and expect them to take it on the chin.

The whole nature of small children is based around curiosity. By disciplining your DS for his curiosity they have managed to close any open conversation and make the situation taboo.
Sex education is part of the curriculum, they've explained that ' a boy is coming back as a girl' and your DS is trying to work out how that fits in with the knowledge he already has. He's now being punished for that.

I'd be furious. For the way they handled the transgender child and your DSs curiosity.