AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

[NotMyUsualNameNoSiree]

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

[herculepoirot2]

MorondelaFrontera

You have ignored my actual point, though, which is that a person who is comfortable leaving the house and going about their business without their 4 month old, could well be comfortable neglecting them. It isn’t normal. Having a shower while your baby sleeps isn’t the same thing and doesn’t raise the same red flags.

[merrygoround51]

I wouldnt have done it but there were many 10 minute intervals when I would have not been in a position to hear my sleeping 4 month old - hanging out washing etc
However on one occassion i had the radio on, my mum was in the kitchen chatting, the kitchen door was closed and my DD (about 15months) was crying upstairs. She was inconsolable when I collected her, the sort of crying jag that meant she was probably 20 minutes crying. I am definitely not a very soft parent but honestly i found that put me off being out of earshot for long

[BertrandRussell]

“You have ignored my actual point, though, which is that a person who is comfortable leaving the house and going about their business without their 4 month old, could well be comfortable neglecting them.”
It is a bit of a bonkers point, to be honest. Slippery slope arguments are often not sound.

Why is 10 minutes in a shower two floors away any differwnt? People quite often slip and fall in the shower. More often than they get run over on the school run, certainly.

[herculepoirot2]

BertrandRussell

Because the person is sticking to a principle: I stay in the house with my newborn. I may wander about the house, but I am checking on them and supervising them if anything bad happens. The person who leaves the house to go and do errands has crossed a line. What’s after ten minutes?

[herculepoirot2]

Bonkers? This place is hilarious.

What would SS make of it?

[MyNameIsRachel]

I must admit I have a shower when DH home, although I don’t think it’s neglect if people do.
What about the single mother with nonchoice

[MorondelaFrontera]

herculepoirot2

not agreeing with me doesn't make you right.

Some parents think it's ok to drink alcohol in the house where their child sleep. Others might think it's irresponsible.

Your line is completely bonkers.

I might start reporting to school any parent who leave their under 3 watch tv or play with a tablet. That's more than a concern.

[Lumene]

t should be absolutely fine, until it’s not. I know a woman who did this, got hit by a car (rushing across the road to the school without looking), and killed. It was a little while before someone thought to ask where the baby was.

I would absolutely not leave a 4 month old, but it seems in this case it happened to be lucky for the baby she did, otherwise they’d both have been hit?

[herculepoirot2]

MorondelaFrontera

If leaving a 4 month old child alone at home isn’t a concern, the woman will have absolutely nothing to worry about. I don’t mind if you don’t think I am right. In the OP’s shoes I would have a serious concern and, having that concern, would report it. SS could then decide I was wrong if they wanted.

[RickJames]

I remember feeling dreadful if I popped to the shop over our street to get bread when DS was 3 and asleep and DH was working overseas.

When DS was 4 months I used to check him every 30 minutes to see if he was breathing! I was a bit anxious though. I'm kind of amazed she had the confidence to do this. Babies are so vulnerable. It's not a good idea, is it?

[CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook]

I will try to be warmer with her, in case that helps - and offer to pick up/drop off DS, as their house is between mine and school

Well that's nice.

I have to say I really hate the judgement mothers come under. There's this neuroticism around parenthood reflected in society and then people question why so many women get PND. Society literally expects you to think baby 24/7 and pounces with judgement instead of support if you slip.

Decent universal and emergency child care would free women up tremendously. I'm sure this is a good mum who perhaps is struggling a bit. It could be anything. When I was a new mum school mornings were murder due to severe sleep deprivation. Falling asleep at 5 then getting up at 7:30 was sometimes impossible.

But from the outside no would give a fuck about any of that.

[MorondelaFrontera]

If leaving a 4 month old child alone at home isn’t a concern, the woman will have absolutely nothing to worry about.

but wasting everybody's time and distracting from real cases is right?

See how you'd feel if someone reports you every time they disagree with a parenting choice you make.

[Oakmaiden]

...But it definitely feels more neglectful to leave a baby behind than take one with you.

Basically people are shit at assessing how risky things are, and inflate the risk of some things (eg leaving a baby alone in a cot for ten minutes) while downplaying the risk of others (crossing a busy road carrying said baby). And then the echo chamber bounces back how awful you might be for considering risking action 1 whilst rewarding you for carrying out action 2, until it is too scary (both the potential risk itself and the additional risk of being judged) to do anything but follow the consensus. Never mind if the consensus has basis in reality or not.

[RickJames]

I mean check 4 month old who was sleeping. Not check him every 30 minutes in general. Although that would have been interesting! (Cryer, cluster feeder, cuddler)

[Dorsetdays]

I would rather leave my DC sleeping in their cot for 10 minutes than in the car whilst I went into school to collect older DC as a PP said they do.

I know which of those is a safer option...

[herculepoirot2]

MorondelaFrontera

People are welcome to report my parenting to SS. I have nothing to hide. I would be interested to know what they thought of this, though.

[CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook]

Basically people are shit at assessing how risky things are, and inflate the risk of some things (eg leaving a baby alone in a cot for ten minutes) while downplaying the risk of others (crossing a busy road carrying said baby)

^This. When you think of it that way....

[MorondelaFrontera]

It's not about what you have to hide, it's about what other people disagree with. That poor mum probably spends less time away than I did when I was chatting with my neighbour outside! It never occur to me put my baby in his buggy to keep an eye on him. How ridiculous would that be.

[stayathomer]

I don't know anyone who felt they had to stay in the same room at all time until they were 6 months

I did. With all four actually. People can ask wj ast you think will happen etc, it's more is it that much more of an effort not to and know you can look over and know tj e yre safe.

[Tavannach]

Put emotion to one side for a moment. What is actually, objectively wrong with doing this? (I wouldn’t/haven’t either. Just wondering)

As mentioned fire and choking are the obvious risks to the baby. There is also the message given to the older sibling - that the baby does not need to be protected at all times.

[stayathomer]

Sorry, phone gremlins!!

[herculepoirot2]

MorondelaFrontera

I’m unsure what you want from me here. I think it’s a concern. That’s really all that matters, because each of us has an individual responsibility to decide what we think when we come across something that might present a risk to a child. All I can say is that I think it does, and would report it. No argument necessary.

[freshstartnewme]

I would rather leave my DC sleeping in their cot for 10 minutes than in the car whilst I went into school to collect older DC as a PP said they do.

I always just took mine with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

On balance, I assessed that to be the safest.

[BertrandRussell]

“On balance, I assessed that to be the safest”

As most of us do. But we’rw Wrong!

[MorondelaFrontera]

herculepoirot2
and I am shocked that people could waste everybody's time because they can't agree that others make different choices.

Do you honestly report every single person you have a "concern" about in real life? If the reasons are as flimsy as the ones on this thread, you must be really busy.