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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what age you started to feel invisible?

106 replies

goodluckandgodspeed · 06/06/2019 12:15

Having never been very attractive anyway I found that basically once I hit 30 I became basically invisible, once the dewy glow of youth had gone.
Now I’m 36 and totally invisible, although being a sahm probably doesn’t help because I’m adding nothing of any use to society either!
I feel nothing is aimed at you once you get older - music, tv, fashion. It’s all for young people.
Is this just me that feels like this?

OP posts:
familycourtq · 06/06/2019 12:41

I have felt like this most of my life - but actually I quite like it most of the time.

caperplips · 06/06/2019 12:45

You sound a bit down, possibly the grind of young kids?
I am 49 and don't feel invisible at all so far.
I have gone back to work full time in a role I love, my dc are young teen so getting far more independent. I have a good social life and a better relationship with dh than the younger kid years.

Life feels good right now (mind you, might not feel the same when I hit 50!)

Is there anything you can change about your situation to give you more time to be you again - or is this even the problem?

moomoogalicious · 06/06/2019 12:49

I'm nearly 50 and I don't feel invisible. Like caperplips my dc are teens so are much more independent and I work, so perhaps that makes a difference.

Not all clothes/music/TV is aimed at young people although I don't shop at the same places as my dds.

How old are your dcs? Can you go back to work or volunteer?

Provincialbelle · 06/06/2019 12:53

The best moment for me was at some point in my 30s when I realised almost everyone was fighting the same battle as me, they weren’t more clever or contented or whatever, so I stopped worrying anything like as much

BlueJag · 06/06/2019 12:56

I'm 50 and I feel fantastic. I do make an effort to be in touch with things as we have a 13 year old.
I watch movies that he likes and music.
I'm not as young or thin but my mind is sharp.
I do make a lot of effort to see my friends.
My husband finds me attractive that's all I need.
I think what makes us visible and attractive is our personality. I try to be happy and positive. Smile

RosaWaiting · 06/06/2019 12:57

"although being a sahm probably doesn’t help because I’m adding nothing of any use to society either! "

I think this is a strange mentality, though I do understand why you feel it. You could have my job pushing paper around - am I really contributing anything to society with that?

sorry, that's not your question but I couldn't help but notice it.

Onemorecrisp · 06/06/2019 12:57

I can’t believe you are classing 36 as old

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 06/06/2019 13:03

I’m 38, kids are in university and doing GCSE’s. I feel fab. Actually someone said to me yesterday ‘you are the same age as my mum!!! I thought you were about 22’ Grin I do way more stuff now then when they were younger, we have a brilliant relationship and I’m enjoying life. I feel far from invisible!

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 06/06/2019 13:04

42, SAHM and had never heard about the invisibility of women past a certain age until recently on here.
I find myself looking at people looking at me and thinking "wtf are you looking at?" at men in cars/vans. I'm definitely not invisible but I live in a relatively small town so maybe I would be somewhere bigger. I'm not sure I'd care. Being invisible would be great as long as those you love don't think of you that way.

ihave2naughtydogs · 06/06/2019 14:00

I'm 46 , I left my abusive ex nearly two years ago and I'm certainly not invisible . I look so much better now than I did for the 25 years I was with the dickhead Smile

NameChangeNugget · 06/06/2019 14:00

Mid 40’s

PenelopeHolmes · 06/06/2019 14:07

What do you mean by becoming invisible?

VisiblyOver25 · 06/06/2019 14:08

Late 40s. Love it.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/06/2019 14:10

Who said that?Grin

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 06/06/2019 14:10

Only kidding OP. You are temporarily invisible but your best years are coming!

teyem · 06/06/2019 14:12

although being a sahm probably doesn’t help because I’m adding nothing of any use to society either!

Can I just stop you for a moment here? To think you are not adding anything of use to society you need to have a notion of contribution which is incredibly narrow and lodge purely in an economic model. It suits some people, a lot of people, that you might think that way but it is of no value to yourself.

You spend your time in the day nurturing your children. You live among other people who value your time, presence and wisdom. Ok, you're not rescuing people from fires or performing surgery but most people aren't. Would you consider that you had value if you were nurturing other people's children for 50 hours per week for a wage?

You need to start challenging some of these ideas that you have about yourself but this idea that you have, that you have no value to society, is just toxic.

Floralnomad · 06/06/2019 14:14

I’m in my early 50s and have never felt invisible , I also only worked very pt (11hrs) and gave up work to be ‘self unemployed’ a couple of years ago . I think it’s your outlook OP , sorry .

kmammamalto · 06/06/2019 14:20

What @teyem said! I think you are contributing very deeply to society but supporting and nurturing the next generation! It takes a lot to stay at home. I did it and I'm sending this from work because I couldn't do it any more! Go you!

goodluckandgodspeed · 06/06/2019 14:25

I guess by invisible I mean irrelevant? I feel irrelevant.
I’m going back to work in September when dd starts preschool so maybe that will help.

OP posts:
steff13 · 06/06/2019 14:33

42 and not yet. To be fair, I'm told I look quite a bit younger, so maybe that's why?

SpamChaudFroid · 06/06/2019 14:34

I was making public drunken disgraces of myself a 36 OP! In fact being invisible might have been useful then...

I did notice the invisibility around mid 40s, I'm now late 40s. I have to walk with a stick at the moment (sciatica) and that seems to make me yet more undetectable. Excellent age for shoplifting I expect.

HennyPennyHorror · 06/06/2019 14:38

Invisible at 30?? No you're not. You're just low in confidence. I'm 46 and still notice men looking at me. And I don't think it's because I'm weird looking either! Grin

anothernotherone · 06/06/2019 14:41

On that linked thread people are talking about the age at which strange men stopped hassling them - if that's invisibility it's a good thing! It's a bloody strange and twisted take on the word though!

There is a kind of invisibility some people suffer from - they are overlooked, not served at the bar/ in any non obvious queue service industry situation, overlooked generally for promotion, for invitations, just generally not noticed. It's a timidity about them though - and yes, women who used to rely on looks for confidence probably experience it as part of the aging process, but men who are mostly socialised to just intrinsically believe that they are important or women with more general confidence probably don't.

I used to be pretty ish in the way pretty much every confident, slimmish young woman is, and am less so now I'm in my mid 40s. I don't seek male attention, I wear a wedding ring, I don't get leered at in public or from "men in vans and cars" [boke] like I did in my teens and 20s but that's good . I wish no teenage girl had to deal with that misogyny and objectification.

I don't feel invisible in any way, but I've never been shy or retiring. I do tend to be remembered - it's not necessarily a good thing! However invisible I don't think I'll ever be. My mother's in her 70s and quite - erm - marmite. People remember her though. Some find her charming, some find her overwhelming or a bit odd, but not invisible!

I don't know what to suggest if your feelings of invisibility are upsetting you except to get out into the world more. Fake it til you make it with confidence - talk to people, volunteer in a context you can (toddlers group? Primary school? How old are your kids?)

I was mostly a sahm for a few years, (though I always taught a few evening classes which, btw, makes you incredibly visible in the wider community) and although it felt very worthwhile when I had children under 3, especially when they were all small, I had a bit of an existential "what's the point of me" crisis when the youngest started preschool. I'm prone to this - previously left a very well paid job that didn't contribute anything to society for similar reasons - if I wasn't doing it ten other people would bite the employers hand off and it was utterly pointless on a human level, what was the point etc. So I went back to work - in a socially useful job - and began studying for a further professional qualification when the youngest child was nearly 4. This has increased my self esteem and stress levels pretty much equally...

If you're unhappy, do something about it. You might feel better if you worked doing something you see as valuable, if your kids aren't very tiny.

teyem · 06/06/2019 14:42

In your op you mention music, culture and fashion. It just sounds like you've outgrown your go-to sources of music, culture and fashion. They have become irrelevant to you. They don't speak to you anymore but other sources exist - you need to switch channels, do different things, shop elsewhere, at the risk of sounding trite - find your people.

Going back to work might help, it might not. It depends on what's actually niggling you.