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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be resented by my husband?

105 replies

Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 09:17

I will try and keep this brief whilst giving as much background info as I possibly can.

I'm 30, DH is 39. Four kids (12, 6, 3 and 6 months). When I was pregnant with DC 4 I developed a blood clot, which turned into a pulmonary embolism, which turned into heart failure and pulmonary hypertension Sad.

I was able to look after the children during the day until November but then my health rapidly declined and we decided that DH would have to take a career break. I have made arrangements to be assessed for care for myself and the children because DH is keen to go back to work full time.

DH has been very obviously unhappy about being a stay at home dad right from the start, so I've felt pressure to put in other arrangements. Anyway, last night I said I was worried that we weren't going to get the care help we needed and I was worried that he'd resent me if he could go back to work until DC 4 was at school (he's allowed up to a five year career break).

After I said about being worried DH said absolutely nothing to which I got upset asking him if he was even going to deny it to which he said "Would you rather I lied to you?" Then he kind of put it that we both had our crosses to be and being resented by my husband was mine Shock

Am I being unreasonable to not want to be resented for being poorly?

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 06/06/2019 09:39

Surely being ill is yours!? Flowers

It sounds like he’s not on board with the situation so you need to sit down and talk about all the options, so that even is this is the best one, he knows that it’s a decision that you’ve come to together.

I imagine it’s quite a change going from a career to being a SAHD at his age, and just like many of us have done when we become full time carers to children, he’s struggling with the change and taking it out on you. As mums we’ve always had the possibility in our mind that we’d take some time out of work to care for our DCs - most dad’s never even have to entertain that idea.

It’s ok for him to feel frustrated, it’s not ok for him to blame you for that. Sounds like you need a proper talk and for him to get his resentment out in the open - it might not be easy to hear but let him say it, shine a light on his unpleasant feelings and see what comes out of it.

Sirzy · 06/06/2019 09:43

Your not unreasonable but at the same time neither is he really.

Life has dealt a shit card and it has made life tough for both of you. Sometimes though the carers are forgotten about and there is an expectation of “just get on with it” and any mention of how tough it actually is can be turned around to resentment.

I think you both need to accept that it’s shit for you both and that the worry about not getting a suitable care package will be sitting heavily for both of you

blackcat86 · 06/06/2019 09:45

Its ok for you all to find the situation hard but its not ok for him to be so overtely resentful and just expect you put up with it without him offering any solutions. Does he earn a good wage? If he wants to go back to work then as the only worker he needs to be funding childcare. Are you claiming everything that you're entitled to? Have you contact adult social care to ask for support?

bridgetreilly · 06/06/2019 09:51

I think it would be better phrased as resenting the illness and the situation, rather than resenting you. But I don't think it's unreasonable for him to feel resentful of the situation. It's crap for all of you and he should be allowed to feel that and express that as well.

IsabellaLinton · 06/06/2019 09:51

No, you’re not being unreasonable for not wanting him to resent you - but he’s not being unreasonable either. He can’t help his feelings.

He resents having to take a career break. It’s not what he really wants to do. And he’s allowed to feel that way. There are a lot of people who don’t enjoy being a SAHP. He’s not resentful of you, but the situation you both find yourselves in. It doesn’t mean he won’t step up to the plate when needed and do what needs to be done, but he’s allowed to feel unhappy about it. You resent him for feeling that way, and then being truthful. As he said, would you rather he lied to you?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/06/2019 09:54

I don't know if I'd cope with having to be a SAHM, honestly. I'm not at all proud of that, and if I needed to be, I'd step up and do it to the best of my ability with no question... but I can't say that inside I'd be happy.

It is absolutely not unreasonable to expect your husband to step up and support you, and it sounds like he has...
But it's also not unreasonable for him to be sad about it, to wish it wasn't happening and to acknowledge that a five-year career break will have a big impact on his career progression, and he may well be quite out-of-date when he goes back.

He doesn't resent you. He hates the situation. You're doing your best to find a compromise.

All the best Flowers

Pinkvoid · 06/06/2019 10:00

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

It’s obviously not your fault you are ill, it was completely out of your control. If you rationalise and remove yourself from your situation though, it’s understandable why your DH feels frustrated. Obviously neither of you planned on him becoming a SAHD of four children at any point or your carer. He has a career and I can understand why he feels a certain amount of resentment (although obviously not nice for you and it definitely isn’t your fault!)

thegreatcrestednewt · 06/06/2019 10:03

You could have died! Then your h would ,have had to step and look after his dc...

He is allowed to resent the illness/the situation, but I'd say he's not allowed to take his resentment out on you.

Bluntness100 · 06/06/2019 10:07

Maybe resent is the wrong word. I would guess he just hates the situation he's in. As do you. He didn't phrase it nicely to say that to you.

It's a shit situation all round really and difficult for both of you in different ways. You need to be kinder to each other and try to understand the others point of view.

Is there no way no afford private care or help for you?

Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:12

I can completely understand how he feels as we are both part of the same shipwreck and I have told him time and again to express his feelings but everyday he tells me how shit things are but there's literally nothing I can do about it. I can't magic it away.

@IsabellaLinton I don't resent him for feeling that way. I'm fully accepting that he'd resent the situation we are in because who wouldn't? I'm just hurt that he didn't even attempt to spare my feelings and say that he resented the situation but it didnt he said he resented me and that's tough to hear.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath You make valid points. I too was hoping to go back into work when our youngest DC was one but DH was adament that I should be staying at home to look after our two youngest as he didn't like the idea of someone else looking after our kids but it seems like now he's the one facing looking after them he doesn't want to. But it was OK for me to put my career on hold?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:17

@thegreatcrestednewt Hmm that's what my Mum says.

@Bluntness100 I think that's what I find the hardest and said to him last night that I am actually trying everything in my power to help us and I have contacted all the right people to try and sort out help so that he can go back to work full time but he never tries to see life from my point of view at all Sad

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 06/06/2019 10:18

I too was hoping to go back into work when our youngest DC was one but DH was adament that I should be staying at home to look after our two youngest as he didn't like the idea of someone else looking after our kids but it seems like now he's the one facing looking after them he doesn't want to

That might be what’s driving his feelings about it - he knows that the only sensible thing to do is pay for childcare but it goes against what he said he believed in. He’s probably feeling like a massive hypocrite at the moment and battling with himself because he knows that what you said here is true - it was ok for you but not for him!

If you can try and see his behaviour and his negativity as being about his own demons, his own situation and not personally about you, it might help. I know it’s not easy to do in the midst of all the upset, but after the event, reframe it from his POV and it might be more understandable. Obviously he should be doing the same for you, so maybe talk to him about your own frustrations, and then give each other a pass to have a moan maybe once a week about how you’re not where you wish you were. The rest of the time tell him to save it for Moaning Monday or something because you don’t need to hear it all the time unless he has a plan to change it!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/06/2019 10:18

he didn't like the idea of someone else looking after our kids but it seems like now he's the one facing looking after them he doesn't want to. But it was OK for me to put my career on hold?

Oooh that changes things, for me. It's fine to prefer working to being a SAHP. It's fine to prefer being a SAHP over working. It's not fine to force someone else to do the one you don't want to do...

Do you know whether your condition is likely to improve enough to go back to work at any point?

Would a nanny be an option, if he's so unhappy? Combined with care for yourself, which I hope they sort out as quickly as possible?

It might be worth seeing if talking to someone helps, too - probably individually, because you can both be honest then, and then work together to make sure that the relationship stays as unaffected as possible.

I can't imagine how hard this is Flowers.

Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:19

@blackcat86 DH won't use full time childcare. He doesn't agree with it. As I said before, I was planning to go back to work but DH didn't want our two youngest to go to nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:22

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I think that's what hurts me the most, is that it seems like it's OK for me but not for him? I'm hoping that with the right treatment that I will get better but heart failure is unpredictable Sad. I want to go back to normal too.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 06/06/2019 10:22

Then you need to try and move past the guilt and see that he is the issue. He doesn't want to look after the DC but he doesn't want someone else to do it either. He either needs to buck his ideas up and be a SAHD without moaning and making you feel bad about it, or he needs to utilise childcare. He seems very good (as so many men are) at saying what he doesn't want, not what he does

Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:25

@RagingWhoreBag

That all makes sense. Like I said, I'm happy for him to tell me how I feels, of course I am but do I want to be made to feel guilty all of the time? No Sad

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 06/06/2019 10:27

He is not happy with the situation but is doing his best. As are you. Its not your fault you are unwell. At least he is sticking around. When I got very ill last year my charming husband had an affair and left. Told me later he was worried I might not work again and he then would have to pay the mortgage (he paid nothing for years). A prince among men! Good luck with everything op - I hope your health improves

Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:29

@blackcat86 The annoying thing is, is DH hasn't actually tried to put ANYTHING in place as so that he can go back! His way of thinking was that I would get well enough to manage things minimally with the kids and then he would return to work full time. He didn't seem bothered that I wouldn't be able to do anything with them Confused

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 06/06/2019 10:29

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I can't imagine how tough it must be.

now he's the one facing looking after them he doesn't want to. But it was OK for me to put my career on hold?

In his eyes you're not his equal, you're there to enable him. That's why he resents you - when this horrible situation is not remotely your fault - instead of resenting the situation.

It was hurtful and cruel to tell you it's you he resents.

he didn't like the idea of someone else looking after our kids

This is just the acceptable way controlling men spin it when they are using children as a way to stop their partner going out to work. They know saying "I don't want you working" won't go down as well and will set off alarm bells, so they give it a "caring" facade of being all about the children's wellbeing.

Hence why he objects to being the one home with them - because it was never about them and their care, it was about getting you to do what he wanted. This horrible situation has just revealed his true feelings and intent.

He resents you because he's lost some of his power and control over you.

Original poster
Brokenhearted30 · 06/06/2019 10:32

@Purplecatshopaholic I'm really sorry to hear that

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 06/06/2019 10:34

He didn't seem bothered that I wouldn't be able to do anything with them

Because he doesn't care. It's all about him. Sad

blackcat86 · 06/06/2019 10:34

He doesn't sound nice or caring. I would really recommend you contact your local adult social care team and let them know the situation as they will no doubt move you up the list for assessment. He is lording your illness over you and not actually helping the situation. He actually sounds quite sexist to. Do you any support from family or friends? I would be worried about him isolating you.

Teddybear45 · 06/06/2019 10:34

I would suggest you need to lay out the cards for him. He can go to work if he chooses but if he does he has to pay x thousands of pounds for cleaners / gardeners/ childcares / taxis for pick ups and drop offs etc. If that isn’t doable on his salary then he doesn’t earn enough to make working worthwhile.

He’s being a class A arse right now, as no doubt he believes his manhood has shrunk a few inches by being a SAHD. The truth is that if he truly loved you this wouldn’t even be an issue.

Windygate · 06/06/2019 10:38

Broken you've had a life changing and limiting illness that has in turn directly affected your whole family.
You and DH must have been through every emotion possible over the last few months. DH faced the very real possibility of losing both his wife and his unborn child. He is now having to come to terms with a wife with a significant disability and altered life expectancy alongside becoming a SAHD to four children.

You would both benefit from counselling either individually or as a couple.
If you haven't already please contact Adult Social Services and request a whole family assessment under the Care Act to ensure you all get the support you need.

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