To not want to be resented by my husband?

[Brokenhearted30]

I will try and keep this brief whilst giving as much background info as I possibly can.

I'm 30, DH is 39. Four kids (12, 6, 3 and 6 months). When I was pregnant with DC 4 I developed a blood clot, which turned into a pulmonary embolism, which turned into heart failure and pulmonary hypertension .

I was able to look after the children during the day until November but then my health rapidly declined and we decided that DH would have to take a career break. I have made arrangements to be assessed for care for myself and the children because DH is keen to go back to work full time.

DH has been very obviously unhappy about being a stay at home dad right from the start, so I've felt pressure to put in other arrangements. Anyway, last night I said I was worried that we weren't going to get the care help we needed and I was worried that he'd resent me if he could go back to work until DC 4 was at school (he's allowed up to a five year career break).

After I said about being worried DH said absolutely nothing to which I got upset asking him if he was even going to deny it to which he said "Would you rather I lied to you?" Then he kind of put it that we both had our crosses to be and being resented by my husband was mine

Am I being unreasonable to not want to be resented for being poorly?

Being a carer is monumentally hard. That's why there are things like respite care (though woefully inadequate I know). As a carer he is entitled to a carer's assessment with his GP to make sure that he gets the support that he needs too. Does he get a break away from the home?

You also need to have your needs assessed to make sure that you are getting all of the help that you need and are entitled to.

Your husband might be an arse. He might not be. Whether he is or isn't it doesn't change the fact that suddenly becoming a full time carer to your spouse and four children on zero income is not easy.

OP you've said a few times that you want him to tell you how he feels - but really you don't want him to do you because what he feels is hurtful. I think he needs to talk to someone that isn't you so that he can vent his feelings without worrying that he will upset you. None of you need resentment bubbling up under the surface on top of everything else.

OP - he is being unreasonable. I don’t think he realises the seriousness of the pulmonary embolism, heart failure and hypertension. Does he attend clinics with you? Perhaps you can explain this situation to a specialist respiratory nurse so he/she can explain this to your husband. This is one of the risks of pregnancy (which he had an equal role in undertaking when he decided to have sex). You do not blame him for causing your medical problems, so why should he blame you?

He needs to stop being perfectionist about childcare. If he wants to go back to work, he should sort out/pay for childcare. You risked your life and health to give birth to your children. He should step up and do his part. He may be suffering from depression which may be why he is being unreasonable, but he should seek medical help and counselling as you are doing for your health issues - because he is very very unreasonable.

Does it have to be all or nothing or could he work part time to keep his hand in, and get a good care package for the rest of the time? Being together 24/7 will be difficult and suffocating for both of you.

@ssd I think he viewed me as lazy/getting the easier ride by being the one at home with the children but now he has seen that it certainly is not easy!

@unicornfarts I'm just under cardiology and respiratory now until I have a Cardiac MRI and then I think they are looking at Sheffield?

@HouseName I always told him that I would like to go back to work after having the children and assumed that childcare would be fine as to me I've always seen that as the norm and he never once vocalised that until I was pregnant with our youngest two. That was when the whole "I'd rather you were home with them" came about.

@thegreatcrestednewt Yes I've been trying to sort out everything which is hard work when you already feel like crap! DH does loves the kids but he's not very hands on. He doesn't enjoy playing with them or teaching them things etc

@FizzyGreenWater That made me a little sad because even before I got sick I felt a bit like I was being made to fit around what was best for him.

@Sewrainbow He's not being paid at the moment. We are on UC at the minute and have rainy day funds.

@HomeMadeMadness I think I find that frustrating sometimes that he never says "X Y Or Z would help" it seems to be only "If you weren't ill.." which isn't helpful nor is it something I can control

@RubberTreePlant My mum would like to .

@carrotflinger DH has always deliberately wound himself up. He can make a mountain out of a spec of dust! I have actually just had my care assessment with SS and there are going to try and come up with something to help with the kids.

@timeisnotaline Thats what I don't get and makes me think that I just wants ideals because I have posed the question to him "what if I died..." and he's basically said he'd have to get work to work around it . Although I think what he actually means is he'd utilise childcare/his god awful mother

@PennyStocks All of our DC were planned and he was in charge of contraception lol so no trickery.

DH does loves the kids but he's not very hands on. He doesn't enjoy playing with them or teaching them things etc

Sorry, but he sounds pretty useless. What's the point of having kids if you don't spend time with them and put them before yourself?

@Daisydo48 I am glad you're doing so well and that's really given me some hope :-). How strange that there was no known cause though 🤔

@SnappedandFartedagain His idea of part time was doing Mon-Fri 10.00 until 4.00 - which to be is not part time!

@Namenic The seriousness doesnt seem to phase him at all. When they told my parents they sobbed and now clutch to me like a delicate glass vase lol. DH view is more like "Well they caught it" or "it's treatable" . The P. E was a very nearly and was my quick thinking by calling myself an ambulance that saved my life.

@DecomposingComposers He does get help and time away. I go and stay at my mums with the kids regularly so he gets time out and he goes upstairs for naps/time on his xbox.

@thegreatcrestednewt That's more or less what I've just been talking to the assessor about. The kids and their happiness and safety is so important to me. Even when I'm feeling my worst I'm still laughing with them or pretending to be cats with my 3 year old 😂

OP, I'd let your mum loose on him.....

@MulticolourMophead I'll give her the green light

Op. I have had a similar experience in a different way. I am so glad you are getting stronger, and I can only say that having your eyes forced wide open to the kind of person you are married to when the shit hits the proverbial fan is not a pleasant experience, at all.

When you are dating, married, and all is good there is not always the opportunity to see what happens when the bad times roll in.

You are now married, four children deep and with very little options but to put up with his selfishness (for now) Which makes it all the more galling that it is the moment you most need him, he lets you down in such a way.

You can try a number of ways to get around the fact he is a selfish self absorbed s*bag, that only cares for himself:

My tried and test tips are:

• Don't make it worse by organising ANYTHING. This is just allowing him to continue to feel resentful. Tell him he must sort out the childcare, children and arrangements. If you had died, he would have to, for the rest of his life, so now he has to step up and be a man.

• Don't indulge him in any more chats about 'how hard this is for him' if he starts whining ignore him. Do not feed his poor me routine. Consider a firmer line along the lines of ' You have always been such a great organiser I know I can count on you to do this' or ' I know you love your kids how about you take them out for the day' Keep throwing the ball back to him, at some point he will have to try harder.

• Get some family roped into the family arrangements to help as much as possible, relieve the pressure as much as you can. Your parents sound supportive, ask them for more help.

• A list of fun things you can do with your kids, for yourself, and with friends will help no end. Do you have friends to help?

The bottom line in the end for me was having to deliver with both barrels that I was seriously ill, and he was damaging our marriage beyond repair by not caring for me or the dc enough. That my respect for him was haemorrhaging, and if he didn't pull his socks up immediately, it would be game over as soon as I was well enough. I couldn't imagine staying with a man that couldn't even help me through the darkest moment of my life.

It was only then that he really understood.
I meant business, and was not taking anymore from him. I have to say he was a new man after that, no more complaints, helped out no end with the dc and worked day and night to get us through it. It is the only reason we are still together today.

I am sending you the biggest hugs, it is so so hard to be in this position

It must be very difficult for the whole family to adjust. I think it is a waste of energy to start turning on your husband because he is not behaving in the way you want. It will simply make him more resentful. As for the suggestion that you turn your mother loose on him, I have saved that in my 'unreasonable suggestions' MN folder. How would you feel if he turned his mother on you?
It is a learning curve for everyone and is not a time to chuck blame around but a time to pull together.
Don't alienate your husband. Have a read on the life limiting illness board for some practical suggestions about how both of you can cope and how to manage your expectations of one another. You are a team and it will help if you both treat one another with love and respect.

I think he worded it the wrong way, but he is understandably stressed. He is carrying for four children and an adult and that must be exhausting. That is not to say your suffering or struggling is not valid, but he is suffering also. I think he is likely burnt out and not responding in the way you'd hoped. The problem is if you want him to tell you how he feels, you might not like his responses. It sounds like he could use some therapy and support as well, so hopefully counselling can be made available for you both.
Is his mum able to help out? You clearly don't like her but if she help support him and the kids it sounds like that is needed right now.

What happened to in sickness and in health? You're not sick for fun. He has to sucks it up. What does he expect you to do exactly? What would he have done if you hadn't made it?

@Rachelle11 He isn't doing everything though. Everything that I can physically manage to do for myself and the kids I do. He doesn't even have to make their lunches because they have them at school. He doesn't have to do their laundry because I do it. Up until he's become too heavy the last two weeks or so, I have been feeding and changing the baby. I think when I say he's off work they think he's doing everything but he isn't, in fact there are some days where he does nothing!!
My parents help out loads - his aren't interested as they favour my SIL's DD and dislike me for getting in the way of DHs career.

If possible, this is not a time for sniping and snide comments. It is difficult for everyone and the last thing you all need is a bad atmosphere. Do value one another and show each other that you care. Try to be positive and understanding if you want things to work.

@mrsmuddlepies His mum already hates me and DH already dislikes my mum He thinks she's too involved but all she's ever tried to do is help out!

To be honest OP, it sounds as if you resent your husband and his family. It can't be good for anyone to score points and carp at one another. The only way you will get through this is as a team. Be there for each other.

@mrsmuddlepies I do not resent my husband. His mother is a vile woman who yes I do resent as does DH. She has been openly cruel to me over the years.

Brokenhearted - if that's really the case you need to stop doing those things and focus on your recovery. Let him take over.

Why can't he go back to work if that's what he wants and he can arrange childcare for the kids and you can arrange your care, OP? If he can take a 5yr career break then surely the field is moderately well paid? You would only be paying for one child place as 3yr old gets their free hours now and other two are in school? If you're eligible for carers allowance then wouldn't that go towards it too?

I mean it would be difficult but would it be any more difficult than now?

@MoodLighting I have tried but they just don't get done 😢. The laundry piles up and the kids would never have their P. E kits for school!

@WhiteRedRose I haven't said he can't I'm trying to arrange help so he can...

Does he not realise that things for you, are far more 'shit' than what's happening to him.

Sounds like a selfish arse who should be spending more time considering his wife and dc rather than whinging about himself.

Thanks for clarifying about income. I thinking sounds like he is in denial at the moment about the seriousness of the situation and how to practically sort it. He is hoping you will " just get better" a d things can go back to how it was. It's nogodd saying "if only you weren't I'm..."

If money is an issue that can cause anxieties for both of you, but he needs to think practically. Either he does childcare and things stay as they are OR he goes back to work but has to accept that things change like paying for childcare or your mum helping more/ being part of your lives.

It must be hard but it seems until he addresses his issues you wont get far.

DH won't use full time childcare. He doesn't agree with it.

Wish. Doesn't 'agree' with what? Sorry but he is being unreasonable.

Something has to give here.

You CAN'T do full-time childcare and he doesn't WANT to.