To not want to be resented by my husband?

[Brokenhearted30]

I will try and keep this brief whilst giving as much background info as I possibly can.

I'm 30, DH is 39. Four kids (12, 6, 3 and 6 months). When I was pregnant with DC 4 I developed a blood clot, which turned into a pulmonary embolism, which turned into heart failure and pulmonary hypertension .

I was able to look after the children during the day until November but then my health rapidly declined and we decided that DH would have to take a career break. I have made arrangements to be assessed for care for myself and the children because DH is keen to go back to work full time.

DH has been very obviously unhappy about being a stay at home dad right from the start, so I've felt pressure to put in other arrangements. Anyway, last night I said I was worried that we weren't going to get the care help we needed and I was worried that he'd resent me if he could go back to work until DC 4 was at school (he's allowed up to a five year career break).

After I said about being worried DH said absolutely nothing to which I got upset asking him if he was even going to deny it to which he said "Would you rather I lied to you?" Then he kind of put it that we both had our crosses to be and being resented by my husband was mine

Am I being unreasonable to not want to be resented for being poorly?

Sorry, should have said 'Pish' not 'wish'.

I'm sorry @Brokenhearted, he is not a nice man.

Yes, life is tougher than before.
Yes, It's a shock to the system.

I was in a car accident 2.5 years ago. Coma for 3 weeks, hospital for 6 months, wheelchair for another 10 months. Slowly learned to walk and write again. I will struggle with walking my whole life and is classed as disabled.

My husband not only looked after me, but my youngest was in the car with me and is now a paraplegic! Yes, it was hard, but he got himself counselling in order to better assist us. And we have another 11 year old, who luckily wasn't with us, but still needed looking after. He did everything!

Whenever I express how sorry I am that he now has to look after us and our lives have changed so much, he tells me that he is lucky to have us to look after. He is just grateful that we did'n't die, like all the doctors said the first week.

I'm not saying it was easy, but he has never blamed or resented me.

Your husband is an arse. Please, please, when you have all the help in place, and you are getting better, please consider leaving him? You deserve so, so much more.

I really hope things work out for. Stay strong... but you're already doing that .

Would a full time nanny and a cleaner be a good start?

This isn't a nice man, or a caring one.

He's as selfish and unkind as his mother, it seems.

I am not sure what advice to give here except to start thinking of your life as something YOU get to have a say in.

And... to make damn sure you go back to a career. I have a feeling you will need it some day...

And tell him that there will be childcare. Either now, as you are too sick to do it all, or in the future, when you have a job.

The conversation goes like this, by the way:

'I'd rather you were at home with them'

'No, I intend to continue my career as well as be a mother, so - just like you - I don't intend to stay a full time parent and nothing else.'

'I'd rather you were at home!'

'Well, that's a shame, but you aren't the boss and it's not your decision. If you don't want them in childcare feel free to be SAHD'

Forgive me if I'm not understanding the situation fully but why can't he go back to work and get a nanny? Since you are at home surely the children can see you periodically throughout the day? So it's not the same as putting them in nursery if that's the idea he hates?

Mine is idiopathic primary pulmonary hypertension. Long story short woke up at 17 struggling to breath completely out the blue. Went to GP given heart monitor which shown abnormalities referred to local heart specialist had lots of tests eventually referred my nearest pulmonary hypertension specialist (Sheffield 90 miles away) had heart catheter had a very enlarged heart blood from lungs to heart far to fast narrow fluffy tubes it looked bleak to say the least like a say my life expectancy was poor.

After many medication trials it seemed i was facing the impossible. Eventually yet another medication started high dose got worse needed £120,000 funding for a viagra medication but the other medication kicked in once i lowered the dose.

My pulmonary hypertension is most likely hereditary although never been confirmed. My grandad died suddenly at 29 (50+years ago) so no other explanation into his death other than heart attack. I give blood and help with all research through cambridge medical studies into rare illness. The treatment is getting more and more advanced every year so there is ALWAYS hope.

We have some amazing doctor's fighting for us. Please please message anytime for any advice.

I'm 31 unable to have DC of my own but so happy to still being alive and living the most normal life i possibly can.

I will be more than happy to help and support you in anyway i possibly can

"You really think that’s helpful? Extrapolating wildly from information given?"

Unfortunately it's not "extrapolating wildly"

Divorce rates in marriages where one spouse becomes seriously disabled are high (around 1 in 3) and it's far more common for husbands to leave disabled wives or to leave due to a severely disabled child than the reverse.

OP'S not thoroughly explained her condition or prognosis either - op that is entirely your choice but I do think that is a huge factor and a massive concern for you and your family especially the children.

What's even more disgusting is that OP's DX mean that any additional stress is hugely ill advised and damn selfish of him to put on you!

Someone needs to give him the kick up the arse he so clearly needs!

He needs told, by someone he'll listen to, that he needs to quit whinging, grow the Fuck up and start actually being a carer - by caring!

There are some things you simply never ever say and saying you resent your partner for them developing a life threatening condition through no fault of their own is one of them!

I suspect I'm nearer your mums age than yours! My mum wouldn't need permission to let rip in this situation and I wouldn't either but yes give her the green light.

Frankly it sounds to me he has too much time to think! He should be far too busy caring for you and the kids and chasing additional support for you all and ensuring you're getting all the income you're eligible for. If he were actually being a carer he'd be too knackered to whine!

You say you're getting UC who advised you on this? Because I believe you might actually be eligible for new style ESA which may be higher and provide a gateway to other income. Have you applied for pip? Disability reduction on council tax? Reduced utilities?

There are also charitable grants and support groups who know how it all works inside out they can be invaluable in helping with finances, practical and emotional support (including for the children), counselling...

Who's advising you generally?

You seem to be only getting the basic govt input.

Don't be too proud to ask for help from family and friends. Most people are more than happy to help and actually like being useful rather than just awkwardly sympathising in these situations, it gives them something positive to focus on and they go away feeling "I helped I actually helped even if just for a little while"

@Brokenhearted30

FFS I bet you wish you knew when you married this arsehat, what an utter twat he is. So much for 'in sickness and in health,' eh?

Funny how some people MEN don't handle it very well, and resent it deeply when things don't go THEIR way. Looking after his own children is a chore is it? What a bastard.

You have my utmost sympathy OP. I would be getting my ducks in a row, and making an exit plan right now. No WAY would I be spending my the rest of life with this man. Sorry.

This all puts me in mind of a man I know who left his wife (when they were both 44,) and also his DD and DS when they were 12 and 10, and fucked off with another woman. Said OW was 29, slim, career-driven, and fun-loving (a bit like his wife when they met before the drudgery of 15 years being married to him and raising his 2 kids took over, and she gained 4 stone.)

He married the OW (after his wife divorced him for adultery,) and she got pregnant fairly quickly. She had twin boys. When they were 6 months old, she was involved in a serious car crash, and became quite severely disabled. Paralysed from the chest down actually, with very little use in her arms for the first 6 months after the accident, and she needed a lot of care.

So he went from having a cool and sassy younger woman who was very career orientated, a high earner, and very sporty, to having someone who needed help to shower, to be fed, and to go to the loo. Obviously she couldn't do anything either, like any housework or chores, or shopping, or cooking, or driving, or childcare or ANYTHING.

So his life was 100% caring for this new woman, and the twin boys. His career - and life - was put on hold indefinitely, and it put a massive strain on the marriage. A year and a half after her accident (when the twins had just turned two,) he left her (and the twins.) He just packed a couple of suitcases, and fucked off!

Her parents had to take her in (and the twins) to take care of them all.

The OP's DH sounds like someone who is capable of doing this, so I would be very careful OP!!!

Sheffield is a great start...they have a fantastic cteph unit there and a steady stream of referrals to Cambridge for surgery. Fingers crossed for you that you’re one of the patients that could benefit....

If she's interested in Dinosaurs at her ag I'd let her watch these cartoons, Dd loved them and it developed a long love of Dinosaurs in her

Sorry wrong thread not sure how that happened.

@unicornfarts I hope so. Its so deflating to know that I'm one of the unlucky ones to suffer with the aftermath of a P. E, I read all of the success stories "I took my pills and then I was whole again" stories and I hoped I'd be one of them . I thought I was just being lazy or not making enough effort to get better. I got fobbed off for months by various doctors telling me it was "just anxiety"

@crazyasafox Something similar happened with my mums first husband - he dumped he'd for someone "better" and then shortly after she became a bind and hd did a bunk. I'm glad he's not my dad!

@Graphista I'm not really getting any advice per se. I'm in receipt of PIP (only the lower amount unfortunately though) I think there's an ESA style element to the UC but I haven't heard anything back regarding that. I might chase them up tomorrow actually. DH's family are less than useless! They are quite self centered and like life to be all rose tinted glasses

@Daisydo48 My heart is enlarged too. It looked at first like there was only left sided damage but they've noted right side damage now too. Like you, I literally can't even move without feeling out of breath! Pressure in the head and chest. It's awful.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I agree. I don't see anything wrong with childcare either!

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit I'm really sorry that you've been through all of that. You and your husband sound immensely brave. I think some people on the thread have misread what I'm trying to say, I to want my DH to be a ble to talk to me but also I want to hear what your DH has said to you. I want to know that I'm special and he's glad I'm still around.

"I'm finding our new life really hard sometimes but I'm glad you're here with me". Sounds a hell of a lot better than "I resent you because your illness means I can't go back to work right now".

@Waveysnail and @Titsywoo I'm trying to sort something like that out but it's taking a bit of time to put everything into place.

"I'm not really getting any advice per se. I'm in receipt of PIP (only the lower amount unfortunately though) I think there's an ESA style element to the UC but I haven't heard anything back regarding that. I might chase them up tomorrow actually. DH's family are less than useless! They are quite self centered and like life to be all rose tinted glasses"

No ESA is separate to UC, there's a disability element in UC but it's not the same.

For advice and support there's

www.phauk.org

www.bhf.org.uk

I'd also recommend you contact your local welfare rights adviser - they're usually located within the social services dept of your local council and know not only the benefits system inside out but also local waiting times (and how to get things moving)

Local debt charities can also be hot on this. I'm fairly sure you've been poorly advised on this from what you've said.

Don't forget council tax disability reduction.

Forget dh's family more hindrance than help by sound of things.

But it certainly wouldn't kill dh to be making calls and appointments and finding stuff out - hardly strenuous for him.

@Graphista Thanks for all of that information :-)

I hope it proves useful to you

I know @Brokenhearted, I really wish he could've said the same to you.

I don't know if he is someone who can change? Only you do. I really hope you can get help put in place and move on from this.

Shout if you need more moral support. Unfortunately I can't be of practical help as I live in South Africa.

I think you knew the answer before you asked and were seeking reassurance.

It's natural to feel resentful about the situation he's in. It's not your fault, but your illness has created this situation, so it's impossible to fully separate the 2.

the amount of men who fuck off when faced with these situations is very very high.

Its not OPs fault she has become ill.

WOW @crazyasafox What a Grade A arsehole. I bet he doesnt pay any CM either.

And i bet he was on a dating site within months.

My husband sometimes get frustrated because of my illness and I really understand why. No it's not my fault as such, but nor is it his, yet he's the one bearing the financial burden and having to work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week to make up for my loss of income. Then he comes home and, for the last 3 months, has to do absolutely everything at happen - all the cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping plus help me in and out of the bath, take me to hospital appointments etc. Every night I am in bed by 8pm at the latest and he spends the evening watching TV on his own. What sort of life is he living? I had tests done at hospital yesterday and they made me feel really unwell - I was in a foul mood and I was horrible to my DH. In the end he told me how I was making him feel - and he was right. It wasn't his fault that I felt the way I did so why was I taking it out on him?

My husband's life is horrible right now. Would I blame him if he left? No I wouldn't.

There is also some kind of childcare support if ill and on these benefits. Was with tax credits anyway. If one parent is incapacitated and the other working I think. Yes a benefits check would be the best thing.

Also it is his decision, if he choses to accept they can go to nursery then he could go back to work. That is up to him isn't it. It's not your fault you are ill. I have been there too and thankfully mince got better. I got PIP and cont based ESA due to past NI credits / work...DC were able to get more nursery hours than the 15 given at the time...a bit older though and less of them. It was hard but it worked out OK as they gave a top up with Tax credits also if you get PIP. Things have changed though with UC. Also not sure if the number of children might affect it, as there is a new 2 child rule. I guess it depends when they were born.

DH could contact a carers cents for support and maybe they could help with a benefits check also.