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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me with my mum guilt!

102 replies

MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 13:57

Next week I'm going to a music festival for 6 days, leaving my 4 year old DD with my mum. It's my first break away from her since she was born, and the ticket was bought for me as gift as I've just finished my second year at uni. I know I deserve it but I feel so horrendously guilty for leaving her for so long, and her school have just rearranged her sports day so I'm now going to miss it Sad

Is there anyone who can share how they felt leaving little ones for so long? I've only ever left her overnight after putting her to bed at my mums.

OP posts:
FleetwoodStorms · 04/06/2019 13:58

You could always cancel it?

Benes · 04/06/2019 13:59

Don't feel guilty! You child is in a safe place with someone who loves her.....she'll be fine!

Enjoy every second!

MustardScreams · 04/06/2019 14:00

Would her dad feel guilt like that at leaving her for 6 days? Most likely not. This ‘mum guilt’ stuff is because women aren’t meant to have fun and have to be nurturing and a mother FOREVER.

Go and have fun! Don’t feel bad for one millisecond. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong at all.

namechange6678 · 04/06/2019 14:00

Don't cancel - she's not a baby, but I can completely understand where you're coming from!
My DS is 2 and I still turn down trips away (even overnight ones) because there's too much guilt.
But I'd say go, she'll be fine and at that age, you can explain it!

Nquartz · 04/06/2019 14:01

My just 7 year old would prefer a week with my mum over Me any day, she'll have a blast and so will you. Enjoy!

Benes · 04/06/2019 14:01

Would her dad feel guilt like that at leaving her for 6 days? Most likely not. This ‘mum guilt’ stuff is because women aren’t meant to have fun and have to be nurturing and a mother FOREVER

This ^^^^

Original poster
MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 14:02

I'm definitely not going to cancel, but I don't want to be sobbing the whole time Grin

OP posts:
DuchessAnnogovia · 04/06/2019 14:10

Don't cancel, go and have some well deserved fun. Your DD is in safe hands, she's with your DM. She'll have a whale of a time. I left my DS with my Aunt when he was 5 for 3 days. I initially felt very guilty and thought he would be pining for me. How wrong I was! When I picked him up he wanted to stay with her as he had so much fun.

Original poster
MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 14:12

I think it's an accumulation of guilt as I've been so stressy with exams that I've been quite irritable and a bit shit. I know I need the 6 days off to recoup but I really wish I could bring her with me!

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 04/06/2019 14:15

I'm actually sitting looking at breaks away for me and dp for next year for 3 nights and I feel terrible because my youngest is so clingy. He's 5 will be 6 by then, and my mum has already said its absolutely fine, but I know he will be really upset. My older ds is completely different he won't care. I feel your pain OP, but we all need some time for ourselves. Go and have fun.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 04/06/2019 14:15

Yep, go, have fun! Mum guilt is terrible though, me DC and DH were out with some friends and their LO and we got to talking about mum guilt. We asked the husbands if they ever got dad guilt and got a "no" in unison!

mmgirish · 04/06/2019 14:15

Go! Enjoy yourself. I think parents need time away from their children so they don't lose themselves in the craziness of parenthood. You'll come back refreshed and delighted to see her.

DifferentDrum · 04/06/2019 14:17

Presumably your DD feels happy and safe with your mum, in which case I'm sure she will be absolutely fine. 6 days feels like a long time but in the scheme of things, 6 days out of 4 years is nothing, it's a one off, and will go quite quickly. Also I think sometimes worrying and feeling guilty in advance about leaving your DC is worse than actually leaving! Once you're actually there you'll probably feel less guilt. Lots of parents have to miss sports days eg if they are working and hopefully as long as your DD has her DGM or someone else to support her, she'll be fine. Overall, I'm sure it will be harder for you than your DD and she will probably have a great time with your mum!

dyouwantfrieswiththat · 04/06/2019 14:22

A 6 day music festival? Seriously?!

dyouwantfrieswiththat · 04/06/2019 14:23

I'm definitely not going to cancel

But you're looking for approval of your decision? Hmm 🤔

Original poster
MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 14:25

Where have I asked for approval? I've asked how others coped with leaving their children for the first time. And yes, a 6 day music festival....

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 04/06/2019 14:26

But you're looking for approval of your decision? Hmm 🤔

She isn’t. She is asking for help with the guilt...

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 04/06/2019 14:34

You could always cancel it?

Hmm

OP, you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Your DD will have a lovely week with your DM and the break will do you good. Can your DM or another family member go to her sports day? As long as she has a familiar grown up there it won't matter who it is.

Laura221 · 04/06/2019 14:47

Sports days are shit anyway 😆

Go enjoy yourself!

Straightomyhead · 04/06/2019 14:50

Is it Download Festival Wink If it is then you'll have the best time and it'll fly by.

And you'll both have the best stories to tell each other

StCharlotte · 04/06/2019 15:04

My Mum and Dad buggered off to the other side of the world when I was three and left us children with various friends for six weeks. I was about three (in their defence, my parents did have to be persuaded).

Fifty years on, I appear to have been unharmed by the experience and I only know about it because I've been told about it, I certainly don't remember it.

Go! Enjoy your festival without guilt and I hope the weather behaves!

ItchySeveredFoot · 04/06/2019 15:07

Don't feel guilty! My dp also goes to Download festival every year and doesn't feel guilty. He does miss the kids obviously. I'm sure she'll have a nice time with your mum.

FriarTuck · 04/06/2019 15:11

She is asking for help with the guilt...
Which is basically the same as looking for approval. If you feel that guilty don't go. As you've no intention of cancelling you obviously don't feel THAT guilty, just a bit guilty. Accept it, own it, do what you can to mitigate it (get someone to video her part, ring her afterwards to hear how it went, text her (via DM) good luck before so she knows you're thinking of her). You could go to just part of the festival, since it's 6 days long?

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/06/2019 15:16

Go, and don't feel guilty!

I have come to the realisation (nearly 7 years after becoming a parent) that we need time out to re-charge. Also a little bit of time away always makes me miss them and fully appreciate how lucky I am and reminds me of who I was before I was Mummy. My DC do act as though the world is ending though so I always get a good dose of mum guilt as I am walking out of the door but seeing as they are either left with their Dad or loving family members I know that they will be fine!

LaMarschallin · 04/06/2019 15:19

@FriarTuck

She is asking for help with the guilt...
Which is basically the same as looking for approval. If you feel that guilty don't go. As you've no intention of cancelling you obviously don't feel THAT guilty, just a bit guilty. Accept it, own it, do what you can to mitigate it (get someone to video her part, ring her afterwards to hear how it went, text her (via DM) good luck before so she knows you're thinking of her). You could go to just part of the festival, since it's 6 days long?

Yes. That.
Wish I'd been able to express it so well.

Yes, OP, you deserve it, like you said.
Have a great time, knock yourself out...

But......

Don't go if you think you'll feel awful about it afterwards.
Go and have a lovely time if it's what you want.

If you need validation from a message board to make you feel ok about going, don't go.
Bet you don't want to hear that.