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Original poster

Help me with my mum guilt!

102 replies

MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 13:57

Next week I'm going to a music festival for 6 days, leaving my 4 year old DD with my mum. It's my first break away from her since she was born, and the ticket was bought for me as gift as I've just finished my second year at uni. I know I deserve it but I feel so horrendously guilty for leaving her for so long, and her school have just rearranged her sports day so I'm now going to miss it Sad

Is there anyone who can share how they felt leaving little ones for so long? I've only ever left her overnight after putting her to bed at my mums.

OP posts:
LaMarschallin · 04/06/2019 15:22

Sorry - didn't answer your question.
I left my two for a week with PIL when they were 5 and 6. We had a lovely time as did they.
They're somewhat older now and seem unscarred.

If you want to go, go. But own your decision.

Celebelly · 04/06/2019 15:24

Have a great time! Honestly, this will be so good for both of you. It's important children spend time with grandparents and learn about adapting and sleeping elsewhere. And she'll be spoiled I'm sure!

dyouwantfrieswiththat · 04/06/2019 15:40

You wouldn't be asking the question if you didn't feel uneasy in some way about it. 2 days even 3 days fine but 6 days ...yes, I would feel guilty and would judge a mother who didn't for that long to be perfectly frank. But most appear to agree with you so I guess I'm odd in thinking that way.

Celebelly · 04/06/2019 16:00

It's six days, not six years. I see the mummy martyrs are out in force again today!

Echobelly · 04/06/2019 16:04

To be a good mum, you also need to be a separate person, IMO. She needs you to have your own life as well, and you're fortunate you have someone in the family at hand to look after her.

I think there's a lot of pressure on mums (and not dads, of course Hmm ) to feel guilty for going to work, for taking time for themselves, for going on a break as if not feeling guilty means they're not sufficiently loving of their kids. You can totally love your kids and give yourself a treat away from them

Benes · 04/06/2019 16:09

You wouldn't be asking the question if you didn't feel uneasy in some way about it. 2 days even 3 days fine but 6 days ...yes, I would feel guilty and would judge a mother who didn't for that long to be perfectly frank

Why would you judge? What would be the basis of your judgement? Would you judge a dad for doing the same?

I go away for work a couple few times a year. Due to the distance it i'm usually away for a week or so. Do you also judge me?

Benes · 04/06/2019 16:10

Oh and I feel zero guilt because I know my DS is well cared for.

Hollowvictory · 04/06/2019 16:11

Why do people 'deserve' time away from their children?

dyouwantfrieswiththat · 04/06/2019 16:23

Yes I would judge a dad...for a 6 day music festival! It's not a work requirement, business conference or a wedding or something this is purely for selfish enjoyment...not for one, two or three days but six! Of course your kid will be fine with your mum but it's not really the point.

dyouwantfrieswiththat · 04/06/2019 16:26

I go away for work a couple few times a year. Due to the distance it i'm usually away for a week or so. Do you also judge me?

No, no I don't judge you. Because that's for WORK. You need to work to provide food and shelter for your children etc etc. No one NEEDS to attend a 6 day music festival.

dyouwantfrieswiththat · 04/06/2019 16:26

Why do people 'deserve' time away from their children

This ^

MustardScreams · 04/06/2019 16:27

Fuck me. How dare op have a few days to herself after not having a single day off from parenting for 4 years?!

@doyouwantfrieswiththat I do hope you’re the most perfect parent who has never even taken 1 second off from being the perfect mother to enable you to be able to be such a judgy arse.

Benes · 04/06/2019 16:28

What is wrong with some selfish enjoyment? Providing nobody is getting hurt.

I travel for work but i don't really have to....i do it because it's a great experience and looks good on my CV. You could say that is selfish too. However, my life did not stop when i gave birth. Life is too short....enjoy it!

Of course your kid will be fine with your mum but it's not really the point

What exactly is the point then?

Hollowvictory · 04/06/2019 16:28

I think it's fine to go but I don't buy all this 'I deserve it' rubbish.

Benes · 04/06/2019 16:29

No one NEEDS to attend a 6 day music festival

No but people WANT to...and that's okay

Celebelly · 04/06/2019 16:31

Six days of 'selfish' enjoyment out of 365 days of the year. Are some people REALLY that much of a martyr that they would judge someone for that?
Bloody hell. How horribly sad and strange. Sometimes I think other women can be a woman's worst enemy.

I hope you have a bloody amazing time, OP. You do deserve it. Everyone deserves to have some time to themselves and to pursue something they enjoy. We don't shoot a kid out and suddenly cease to be people with our own needs and interests. 'Mummy' is a title, not a definition.

Hollowvictory · 04/06/2019 16:34

^I think it's the other way round, mummy is a defittion not a title

Celebelly · 04/06/2019 16:36

I feel sorry for anyone who defines themselves as just a 'mummy' when asked. I'm a person, being a mum is a big part of who I am but it's not the only part, thank goodness! I'm also a business owner, partner, daughter, history enthusiast, bookworm, and any number of other things. I have my own identity.

Benes · 04/06/2019 16:38

Being a mum does not define me.......there is so much more to me as a person and being a mum is just a part of that.

Hollowvictory · 04/06/2019 16:40

Mum is a definition, it's in the dictionary. Doesn't stop you being other things as well ffs it's not mutually exclusive 🙄🤔

Celebelly · 04/06/2019 16:41

Well apparently it stops you going away for six days.

Benes · 04/06/2019 16:41

Doesn't stop you being other things as well ffs it's not mutually exclusive

It would seem others on this thread would disagree

Celebelly · 04/06/2019 16:43

But then I'm even worse as I'm leaving my six month old DD for three days while I go off on a jaunt Grin

Original poster
MonstranceClock · 04/06/2019 16:52

I'm definitely more than a mum. My ex MIL was one of those mummy martyrs who's life revolved around her son. Now he's grown up and gone she literally has no purpose in life and its very sad. I would hate to be like that.

I deserve it because I've been working my ass off doing my degree, while single handedly raising a child and trying to work part time around it. Just because I know i deserve something, doesn't mean I'm not going to feel a little bit guilty about it.

OP posts:
Pinotjo · 04/06/2019 17:00

Do you think you will be sobbing the whole time, you'll go to the festival, enjoy the music, have a few drinks and I'll bet you'll enjoy it, then when you're wrapped up in your tent you'll feel guilty cos you've enjoyed yourself and not sobbed/worried every second of the day, welcome to mum guilt! Shell be fine and so will you Flowers

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